The Mormon Church is Toxic

 Today, I'm angry. No, it's deeper and more intense than just that. I'm furious. I'm not going to sugarcoat what I'm feeling, what my lived experiences have been, or what I think. 

So what's got me so fired up? The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 

Part of why the anger is so strong is because it is against an institution and not an individual, which means that there is no opportunity for discussion, resolution, or restitution. I can fight with my husband and have really hurt feelings, but we can also cool down, reassess, talk things out, forgive, and move on. I can't do that with the organization that brainwashed me for 50 years. I can't go to the women's group leader, the bishop, the stake president, or even the prophet and have my voice be heard, my feelings validated, and my concerns addressed. I already know what would happen if I attempted that with any of those individuals- plenty of excuses, gaslighting, sympathy (without real understanding), and counsel to just have faith, believe, and keep doing what they think is "right." That doesn't help.

They can't help to undo the years of brainwashing, manipulation, and controlling tactics that the church has used on me. I can already hear the denials by active members that the church doesn't do any of those things, and that I'm just deceived or my perception is skewed or I'm just an angry ex-member. I'll gladly admit to the latter, but my eyes are open and I'm seeing the church clearly for the first time in my life. Although there are some positive aspects to it, overall it is toxic. (Show me a Mormon, especially a Mormon woman, who doesn't have some depression, anxiety, or more serious mental illness. And read this entire post and tell me the church isn't guilty of many of the tactics...)

Taken at face value, many of the church's teachings seem helpful, common sense, or at least harmless. But when you look at how they are applied, the expectations (implicit and explicit) that are put on people, and the general culture that has developed, it is not healthy. For example, I was taught that as a woman I should be humble, meek, submissive, loving, nurturing, and selfless. I was expected to serve others, set the right tone in my home, teach my child, support and respect my husband, give deference to authority figures like bishops and stake presidents, and stay at home rather than have a job. My "job" was to bring more spirits into the world by having children and then raise them to be righteous members of the church. These were just the explicit expectations. Then you add the cultural ones that had me thinking that I also needed to know how to cook (from scratch, preferably!), be creative and make cute stuff, decorate a home, dress stylishly, speak softly, be friendly, be well-spoken and intelligent, be able to do public speaking and teaching, and be feminine. Do you know anyone who could do all of this (and maintain good mental health?!) I don't. And I wasn't able to. Instead, I spent 50 years spinning my wheels trying to measure up and keep up. 

Unfortunately, I took many of the teachings and pressures to heart (because that's what a "good" Mormon does.) I made many life decisions based on what I had been brainwashed into thinking was the "right" thing for a woman to do. I didn't realize I had real choices. I was told what was "best" and set aside what would have been considered (to the church) "good" or "better." To have that much control over a person's thoughts, sense of self-identity, and behavior is not healthy. You could say that I was just weak or took things the wrong way, but there are literally millions of women who have followed the same path as me, and it wasn't because we are all naturally inclined to. You can't fight against programming from birth if you don't even know it's being done. You don't know that it can be okay to follow a different path if you are always taught that you should aim for one specific one.

That's messed up. I should be 25 years into a career right now. I should have a stable sense of self-identity, the self-worth to know that I am good enough just as I am, and more life skills than just what is necessary to run a household. I should have been taught how to make decisions by weighing the pros and cons, listening to my intuition and moving forward, rather than being told that each choice could have eternal consequences (yikes!) and that I should seek guidance from a male (God, holy ghost, father, husband, bishop, etc.) I should have been taught critical thinking skills, and encouraged to question, research, test things, and come to my own conclusion. 

Seriously, being in a high-demand religion is so damaging to normal human development. It requires constant mental gymnastics to deal with the cognitive dissonance of what I "know" (believe) and facts about church history, issues, and even basic psychology, sociology, etc. It necessitated setting aside my inner compass so I could "follow the prophet," even though a 90+ year-old-old man knows nothing of my particular situation. It meant repeating such stupid phrases as "the people aren't perfect, but the church is," "love the sinner, hate the sin," and "God's ways are not our ways, just have faith." Each of these was thought-stopping phrases meant to keep me from looking any deeper into issues that would come up. 

The church is very good at disguising their control mechanisms as something desirable or normal. Steven Hassan, a former member of the Moonies cult and mental health counselor (including cult deprogramming), created the BITE model, which demonstrates some of the methods high-demand groups or cults use. Look at what his research has determined:

Any one of these by itself could be innocuous, but when multiple methods in each category are put to use, undue influence is being used to control a person. 

I'll quote now from a book that goes into the methods used by high-demand groups, including the Mormon church. My comments are in brackets. 

There are actually "31 specific mechanisms high-demand groups use to recruit, convert, control, and retain members:

Love bombing- friendliness, flattery, praise, and affection are used to entice participation and attendance... 

Destabilizing the Self- ...includes those who have already been destabilized by life situations and the indoctrination of children who have not yet formed a sense of self. [Missionaries have actually been encouraged to seek out those who have been through destabilizing events in their life, because they are more vulnerable. I have personally experienced this one.]

Deception- Lies, omissions, and "front" activities cover flaws or unusual aspects of the group, doctrine, leadership, and history. [It doesn't take much searching to uncover the massive deception by the church about its history, finances, etc.]

Sacred Science (Closed System of Logic)- The ideology and leader have the one and only truth. Members should only seek answers in group teachings. The leaders are above criticism... [100%]

Mystical Manipulation- Forces exist which are more powerful than the self. The group strives to fulfill a higher purpose. Ends justify the means. 

Milieu Control- Information and environment are tightly controlled. ...Access to outside information is tightly regulated, especially that which might raise doubts or be critical of the group. [Members are strongly encouraged to avoid "anti" literature and information, as well as any websites or persons who speak against the church.]

Demand for Purity (Perpetual Inadequacy)- Lofty moral goals are set. At first the goals seem achievable, but the standards for achievement grow ever more impossible to meet, keeping the follower perpetually inadequate. [Strive for perfection, but never come close.]

Dispensing of Evidence- The individual's literal or figurative existence is threatened as a consequence for impurity, doubt, or leaving the group. 

Doctrine Over Self- The individual is subordinate to the group, leader, and teachings. When personal desires, goals, and values conflict with group values, they become selfish or immoral. [There is very little room for development or expression of self within the church. Only those who are exceptionally strong and not bothered by disapproval generally do so.]

Loading the Language- Existing words are loaded with new meaning. New words are added. Other words are banned or dropped from usage. This affects ability to think, as well as ability to communicate comfortably with those outside the group. [There's a reason Mormons have their own jargon, which has to be explained to non-members.]

Totalist Reframing- Situations, thoughts, or feelings are reinterpreted in a way that suits the goals of the organization. This is used to continually prove the ideology correct, to squelch doubts, and to silence outsiders.

Thought-Terminating Cliches- Short phrases, pat answers, and emotional reactions are pre-established to frame doubts. Doubt and questions are automatically shut down. [Think of your favorite hymn or scripture when tempted; doubt your doubts; if you feel uncomfortable with new information it is probably Satan tempting you, etc.]

Social Pressure- Social acceptance and rejection are used to reward and punish. A member becomes driven with a desire to conform. [Much of this is implicit. There is constant judgement of others on things like clothing (immodest), not wearing garments (or wearing them improperly), doing things on Sundays, appearance, etc.]

Belief Follows Behavior- Action generates the associated belief. [Fake it till you make it; bear testimony and you'll gain a testimony; obey and then be blessed with a belief in the behavior]

Public Commitment- Commitments are expressed aloud. Public statements reinforce belief and dedication to the group. [Baptism, testimonies]

Creating Dependency- A member comes to depend on the group for physical, emotional, social, spiritual, or other needs. The member has a high stake in continuing to stay loyal to the group. [Many members' entire social network consists of other members. This creates serious issues when a person decides to leave, because they lose their social support and often even family support. This can also include requiring members to pay tithing when they don't have enough for their own needs and then providing them with food or assistance.]

Black and White Thinking- Broad spectrums of thought and morality become reduced to two options: Good vs. Evil, Love vs. Hate, Weak vs. Strong, Humble vs. Proud. [100%]

Elitism- The members of the group are chosen people, exalted, righteous. Members are made to feel special when compared to outsiders. [100%]

Us-Versus-Them Thinking- ...a form of black and white thinking wherein outsiders, ex-members, and those critical of the group are dehumanized and labeled as evil, apostate, vicious, hateful, prideful, blinded, deceived, etc. A persecution complex may exist whereby reasonable criticism is reframed as an attack. [Yep, I'm an apostate now. I must be deceived or blinded.]

Indirect Directives- Certain restrictions or demands on behavior are implied rather than express. ...Leadership remains innocent of issuing any unseemly teachings. 

Identification and Example- Those who behave correctly or incorrectly are used as examples. Suggested behavior can be inferred from these stories without direct commandment. [Go read some conference talks and look for these types of stories. They're there.]

Emotion Over Intellect- Emotion is emphasized as the preferred decision-making tool. The value of using reason is down-played. Doctrines are often taught in emotional contexts, such as through stories told in tearful or gentle tones. [Rely on the spirit, not your own intellect. "Lean not on thine own understanding." The church actually uses music as a tool to manipulate emotional responses.]

Induced Phobias- Fears are instilled which are either imaginary, based on real or exaggerated consequences, or on artificial effects created from group pressures. [Fear of hell, fear of family not being together in the celestial kingdom, fear of shunning, etc.]

Trance Induction & Dissociative States- Critical thinking skills are reduced through regular encouragement of receptive mental states. Altered states can be mild and seem normal, and include concentration, fatigue, boredom, and hunger. [Fasting, general conference, early-morning seminary, etc.]

Time Control- The member has little time or energy to question beliefs, associate with outsiders, or examine life too closely. Time spent on group-related activities is strongly encouraged or enforced, and usually fills every spare moment. [The church requires so much time and energy!! Church every Sunday, weekday activities, Stake Conference, general conferences, youth trips, ward activities, seminary, institute, callings, choir, etc. You could spend as much time at church or on church-related activities as you do at a part-time job!]

Double-Bind- The member is "damned if you do, damned if you don't." She must betray the group or betray her own integrity. [My integrity said that I couldn't continue to pay tithing to an unethical organization with no financial transparency... so I could either pay tithing to the church to maintain a temple recommend but betray my own integrity, or pay it to other charities and betray the group.]

Blame Reversal- The leadership, group, and doctrine are above reproach, so any failed promises and bad situations are always the fault of the member. [If you aren't given specific blessings, it must be because of something you did or something you should have done but didn't. No way it was because of the rigged system.]

Guilt & Shame- A cycle of guilt and shame comes from repressed doubts, social pressure, and failure to meet impossible standards. [So much shame!! Shame is toxic, unhealthy, and creates a lot of mental and emotional distress. Shame is not a good tool for any organization to use, but it is used in spades in the church.]

Confession- The individual surrenders to leaders through confession, which reduces privacy and boundaries. Successful purification can grant temporary relief from guilt, which increases trust and dedication. Members are motivated to obey to avoid confession. [Go talk to your bishop about your sins; be publicly humiliated by being denied the sacrament; attend disciplinary hearings about your sins, etc. And unfortunately, your private confession becomes a topic of conversation in bishopric meetings, ward councils, and even within the ward when one person shares private information with others. That's not safe or healthy.]

Euphoria Induction- The euphoria of group participation and fulfilling the member's ideals motivates good behavior and reduces doubts while proving the validity of the group. [congregational singing and testimony bearing induces feelings of the spirit]

Proselytizing- Members are encouraged to propagate teachings to outsiders. This not only maintains or increases the size of the group, but also soothes cognitive dissonance, consumes time, and provides opportunities for public commitment. [100%]

(From Recovering Agency: Lifting the Veil of Mormon Mind Control by Luna Lindsey Corbden)

Like I said, if a church or other organization only used a couple of these, it could be harmless or unintentional. But when you start to see the big picture, you see a very unhealthy and controlling system that creates extreme devotion and denial of self. Many of these tactics have been pointed out to church leaders over the years, so it's not like they aren't aware of what they are doing. Since their number one priority is to keep the church going and keep members active, they aren't likely to make many healthy changes until it benefits them somehow. 

So yeah, I'm livid that I fell prey to a high-demand religion that molded me from the time I was an infant. Actually, it goes back beyond that. My dad, my grandparents, my great-grandparents, and even my great-great-grandparents were sucked into this. And because much of the information and facts that are easily available on the internet today were hidden, unavailable, or treated as "anti," there was little chance of any of my ancestors getting out before I was born. I had no choice. I also came from a highly dysfunctional and even abusive family, so I was primed to seek out the church's promise of happiness and blessings through obedience and compliance. I didn't know there were other ways to create a happy or healthy family. My options were dysfunction or the church fairy-tale. So I went all-in on the Mormon Plan of Happiness. 

I don't think it's wrong to teach children about god, or even the "gospel," but I do think it's wrong to hide the truth about a religion's history, past teachings, and current manipulative methods. I think children should be taught critical thinking skills, boundaries, consent, personal safety, autonomy, and that it's okay to not fit in. There are other churches and organizations that are able to do these things in a healthy way, so it's not impossible. But the Mormon church is not one of those. I am glad that my  grandchildren will not be raised in it. I am thankful that they can grow up without the undue influence and control of such a dishonest and manipulative religion. I am just sad that I have wasted 50 years in it, that my daughter is struggling with the after-effects of it, and that my family has lost so much time, money, and mental wellness to it. I know it still works for some people, and I wish them the best. I sincerely hope that those who stay in do it in a much healthier way than I was able to. But as for me and my family, we're out.