Lessons from 2023

 Things I learned in 2023

1) This moment, right now, is the only time I have. The past and the future are only in my mind, they are not what I am experiencing at the moment. This is a very liberating realization. I am learning to focus on being present and living in the now, rather than ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. It's important to me to be present with the people I'm with, to experience the moment I'm in, and to live each moment fully. I am not guaranteed a single breath beyond the one I just exhaled, so I don't want to waste any time I am given.

2) Self-sacrifice is not noble- it is slow suicide. There is no need for me to give and give and give in the name of love, service, duty, or anything else. It's okay for me to take care of my own needs, to say "no," and to pay attention to what my body and soul are saying they need. I shouldn't put myself last in some misguided effort to overcome the "natural man" tendency towards selfishness in me. Balance is necessary.  

3) Other people are responsible for their own thoughts, emotions, and getting their own needs met. It's not my job to anticipate others' emotional responses or to step in and try to solve their problems. If someone communicates clearly what they want or need from me, I can choose whether or not I can provide that. I love helping others, so this is a hard one to put in practice, but as I learn to step back and allow others to step up into their own personal power, it's better for both of us. 

4) Boundaries are healthy and important. I am allowed to decide how much of my time and energy I give to any person or entity. I am allowed to say "no," and I can have specific limits on what I will or will not tolerate in my relationships. 

5) High-demand religion is not healthy. The levels of codependency, enmeshment, and dysfunction can lead to serious mental illness. Lack of consent, lack of transparency, dishonesty, control, and coercion are horrible tactics to use in a spiritual setting, but are easy to get away with when the congregants are used to obeying "God's" authority.  

6) We can be complicit in our own brainwashing, but we won't know it until we are on the outside looking in. Participating in constant indoctrination, ignoring cognitive dissonance, doing everything that is "required" of us without really questioning the reasons behind it and who is really benefiting, and listening to the counsel to avoid outside sources that speak negatively of the institution are all choices I made (albeit mostly unconsciously.) When you are indoctrinated from a young age, it's especially hard to open your eyes and see things as they really are, but once you do, you can't unsee it. 

7) I need to listen to my body. I was conditioned to ignore my body and my needs, and that has led to a lot of physical pain, trauma, and disconnection from self. As I am learning to reconnect with my body, I am starting to understand that my physical form holds its own form of wisdom. I am learning how to recognize emotions in my body, and to accept them as signals that are trying to bring my attention to my own needs. 

8) I am becoming more and more comfortable with not knowing. There is a lot that is unknowable, uncertain, and mysterious in this life, and that can be really scary or uncomfortable. I used to think that I "knew" where I came from, what I was supposed to be doing, and where I would be going to, and having all of that disintegrate was disorienting. I know a lot of people struggle with this, but somehow I mostly feel a sense of freedom. I am now free to accept what feels right and good and let go of what doesn't. If there is a God, either he/she/it is all about love and so I'll be all right as long as I try to love, or he/she/it is punitive and has stacked the deck against humans and so I'll be screwed anyway, or there isn't a God and maybe there's nothing after this but I won't be a sentient being so it won't matter, or maybe it's one of a million other iterations of an afterlife, but there's nothing I can do to know for sure so I'm just going to live my life, be a good human, love others, and try to live so that I won't regret when my existence ends. 

9) I feel like the one universal truth is the golden rule, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Almost all cultures and religions teach some version of the golden rule and that's something that feels right. It's in everyone's best interests for humans to love and help each other, and detrimental when they hurt each other. So for me, the only sin is to purposely hurt others. I don't need to follow a bunch of made-up rules in order to qualify for a God's love. I think humans have created these additional rules in efforts to gain power, control, and wealth, and I'm done with enabling that. 

10) The universe sends you what you need when you need it. I have found so much information, knowledge, connections, and new relationships that have been just what I needed this year. Step by step, I am being led to the sources I need, as long as I keep my mind and my eyes open. I trust in whatever source or creator is out there to continue to guide me.

11) I don't need a God that fits in a box of my own or someone else's making. To try to say that God is a male father figure that is concerned with what I wear, what I drink, what I do with my Sundays, what societal role I play, or who I love is to make him far too mortal, too egotistical, too patriarchal and misogynistic to be an all-powerful and all-knowing being. I can't believe in a God that would answer the prayers of someone who needs help finding their keys or getting a better job, while ignoring the pleas of millions of his other children who are starving, in abject poverty, being abused, or even being slaughtered. I know that life isn't fair, but that's not a god that I can worship.

12) I want for others what I want for myself: the self-confidence to believe that I can face and overcome the challenges that come my way, enough self-love to do what is best for me, a sense of self-worth that enables me to feel good about myself without the approval of others, the ability to take care of myself, the reciprocal love and support of good friends, a sense of connection with the "divine" and with all living beings, and a sense of peace and belonging within myself.

    As I head into the new year, I feel that I am approaching it with a lot more peace than in the past. I am not worried about doing enough to measure up to ecclesiastical standards or to gain God's approval. I am content with figuring out who I am, what I like, what I want, what I can contribute, and how I can love. I know I will still grapple with the anger, pain, and sadness of my faith transition, and with the fallout of years of serious trauma, but I feel stronger and more ready to face these challenges. I could never have imagined this time last year that I would be where I am. So much of what has happened was unexpected and life-altering. So I won't make any predictions on what 2024 might bring. I am just going to try to be open to whatever experiences and challenges come my way. I am open to learning, growing, and becoming.