Leaving Mormonism

 I am a rather private person, often keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself. But sometimes, I feel the need to express myself, to let my voice be heard, and to speak up. My faith transition journey is one of the things that I have been fairly quiet about, but I feel the need to write about it, to not only record some of what I've learned and gone through, but also to try to counter the many posts I made on this blog encouraging others to believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I don't feel right leaving this personal space as one that mostly advocates for that church without now also encouraging readers to dig deeper into the history and actions of the church so they can make truly informed choices about their participation in it. 

In late February of this year, I learned about the SEC's fine against the LDS church. I thought it was weird that the church which had always taught me that I had to be honest in my dealings with my fellow man could have done anything that resulted in the largest fine ever given by the SEC, so I started looking into it. What I found was disturbing, to say the least. (See my previous post about this here.) Part of what bothered me was the complete lack of accountability from the leadership of the church. There was zero admission that what they did was wrong, no apology, no attempt to make things right. That made me start wondering what else they might be hiding or lying about.

Well... turns out there is a lot. The LDS church is good at spinning the stories about their history and giving partial truths to make things more palatable for their members and the general public. Problem is, if you are really curious, enjoy research, and actually read footnotes, you start to see a much different picture than the one they present. (I started with the Gospel Topics Essays on the church's own website. Gotta read the footnotes and follow where they go!) 

I get it. Every organization exists to perpetuate itself, and that often involves some sketchy tactics, ranging from mild dishonesty to straight-up corruption and fraud. I never expected the LDS church to be perfect. I know it's run by humans, and humans make mistakes. Unfortunately, the church itself promotes the idea that it is infallible, always correct, and the only true church on the earth. That sets a really high standard, especially when you claim to have 15 "prophets, seers, and revelators" who get direction directly from God. That does give the impression that members should be able to fully trust the top leadership to live the same standards they expect of everyone else.

What I've learned is that the leadership of the church has been dishonest and deceptive from the start. The very foundations of the church itself are built on lies, fraud, and charismatic story-telling. What I was taught in my 50 years in the church was only the sanitized story, leaving out many of the details that change the narrative significantly. 

I won't go into each of the issues here because there are others who have put a lot of time and effort to elaborate on them, and my attempts would just be repeating work that's already been done. If you want to get a feel for what I'm talking about, check out the CES Letter (a letter written to the director of the Church Educational Service per his request so he could address the writer's doubts and concerns), Letter to My (Mormon) Child, and What I Wish I Had Known. These are excellent resources that show that there aren't just one or two questionable issues with the LDS church- there are so many that any open-minded person learning about them can't help but see that the common narratives of revelation, inspiration, and translation don't hold up. Joseph Smith was a charismatic con man, who was a genius at story-telling, compiling many of the available answers to doctrinal questions of his day, and creating new rituals and ordinances to solidify his authority and influence. 

I don't say these things lightly. I have been a faithful member of the LDS church for decades, serving in leadership callings, attending every possible week, following the doctrine and teachings as if it came straight from God (because I was told it did.) I wasn't a fair-weather member, or one who had serious doubts or problems. I had questions and some doubts, but I was really good at putting those on a "shelf" and telling myself that God would have all the answers I'd need after I died. I cannot stress enough how much I was NOT looking to doubt, question, or give up my faith. I had always seen and appreciated the good the church had done for me. It gave me certainty, answers, guidance, and structure at times when I needed it most. I will never deny the positive aspects of the church, nor the benefits that I gained through it.

But I can no longer pretend that it didn't cause a lot of problems also. I was vulnerable to the church's methods and teachings because of the trauma I had experienced growing up, as a teenager, and even as an adult. I am a pro at dissociating, masking, gaslighting myself by only looking at the positives, and living within my own little "happy" facade. I spent all of my time trying to do "good works," serve others, sacrifice myself, and do all the things that would get me to the highest level of Mormon heaven. I didn't have the knowledge or awareness to know that it was extremely unhealthy to spend so much of my time and energy living someone else's rules, giving so much of myself without even knowing my own needs, and parroting all of the dogma I had been fed.

Dealing with the betrayal of the church that I had dedicated my life to has been hard. As the following quote explains, it hasn't affected only my relationship with the church. 

I am not only dealing with the mental, emotional, and spiritual fallout, but also reexamining my entire belief system. Finding out the truth about Mormonism collapsed my ability to believe in God or Jesus in any form similar to what I had been taught. I am still figuring out what my new beliefs are, but so far I can say that I believe in a higher power/creator/source, I believe in spiritual experiences, and I believe in love. I know that everything is made of energy, that energy doesn't die (it just changes form) so I believe that our energy continues after our body is dead. I'm okay with not "knowing" and not being certain about God and the afterlife. 

There are so many things I'm having to learn, unlearn, and reconstruct. I don't think people realize just how invasive the Mormon church is in daily life. From what I don't eat/drink, to what underwear I wear, what I do with my time, how I speak, what I do with 10% of my money, and even who/what I listen to or read (avoid the "anti" stuff at all costs!) to the many hours of constant indoctrination I endured on Sundays and conference weekends. Everything is calculated to keep their dogma front and center in your mind, to keep you from questioning their "truth" and to keep you attending and doing all the things they know will keep you committed. They do surveys and studies to find the best methods to do all of this, so it's not like it's incidental. It is part of the organization's plan to pursue their purpose to continue to exist. It's some real mind-fuckery once you understand the psychology of it all. 

I had really hoped that I could manage to be a nuanced member, to set aside what I had learned and still participate for the community, but I quickly realized that the church can no longer be a part of my life. I can't unsee what I've seen, I can't pretend that I am okay with it any more. I have too much integrity to continue giving my time, money, energy, and self to an organization that does just as much (or more) harm than it does good. I won't live old white men's standards that they themselves don't also live up to. 

So here I am. It's been 8 months since I've attended an LDS service. It was really hard at first, to not be living in my comfort zone. Within the church, I had my routines, I knew what I needed (or should) do with my time, I had certainty about knowing what God wanted and that I was one of the "elect" that would most likely be in the celestial kingdom. It felt good to be that sure of everything, and scary to admit that I really wasn't. But the further I got from Mormonism, the better it felt. I no longer feel the weight of so many man-made expectations. I feel free to be me. Not the faithful, selfless, always-loving Mormon woman facade, but the real me. The one who can admit that I mess up all the time, the one who is allowed to be happy, sad, mad, discouraged, and anything else a normal human being feels, the one who chooses when and who to serve, the one who enjoys a cup of coffee in the morning and living in the moment. I feel so much lighter. 

I never had a single thought in my life that I would ever leave the Mormon church. I was born and raised in it. I have pioneer heritage. I was as "all in" as a Mormon could get. I haven't been misled by anti literature, I haven't been led astray by the devil, and I didn't lose my testimony because I wasn't doing all the things I was supposed to. Anyone who knows me knows that I look at all sides of things, that I love learning, and that I don't make big decisions "on a whim." If you know me, and you have read this far, you should be asking yourself what I could have possibly learned to get me to leave the church. I left because of the overwhelming evidence that what Joseph Smith said, did, and taught was either a) taken from something else around him, b) made up entirely or c) done to maintain his own position and authority. I left because the history of the church has been hidden and lied about. I left because the church protects child abusers and creates more trauma for the victims. I left because the church holds hundreds of billions of dollars in investments but balks at helping members in need. I left because the positives of membership in the church don't outweigh the negatives. I left because it isn't worth the pain, the effort, the energy, and the sacrifice to stay. 

Some days I still wish I could go back. I love the people, and no one does instant community like the Mormon church. But then I think of how much happier, content, and at peace I am, and I know I can't go back. I wouldn't fit in any more, and I have no desire to try to. I'm learning to create a new community, one that is more authentic and based on something more than a similar belief in doctrine. Leaving the church has also propelled me to get into therapy, and the combination has turned out to be life-changing for me. I love myself. I love life. I love making the most of every day and every moment. I don't know what will come after this life (if anything) but I'm good with not knowing. I am embracing the possibilities.