Sadly, this also means that the people around me have to get to know and adjust to this version of me. I feel bad, in a way, because I thought I was being authentic and I want to keep being what they have come to know and expect of me. But the effort of fighting to suppress my true self is not worth it. The benefits I received (some real, some that I only convinced myself of) just don't compare to what I am experiencing now. So I have to apologize. Not for growing and evolving, but for wearing so many layers of masks, for trying so hard to be what a church thought I should be, for burying my self in order to serve others, and for not even being capable of deeper connection because I was too busy trying to fit into an eternal ideal of perfection.
I learned from a young age to suppress my energy, enthusiasm, and personal desires. It was more important to be "reverent," selfless, and obedient. I had to fight against the "natural man" within me, and overcome my "sinful" tendencies. Act sweet, rely on prayer for everything you need, listen to old white men who have all the answers, leave all your questions on a shelf and hope that God will give the answers in eternity, and if you are depressed or anxious, just read your scriptures and read General Conference talks and pray even harder, because obviously there's something lacking within YOU. It didn't sound so bad when I was neck-deep in the indoctrination. In fact, it brought some "comfort" to feel like there was some divine formula for receiving the blessings I wanted ("And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated." D&C 130:21.) That meant that if I could just crack the code, I should be given those blessings, right? And if they never came, well, it must be the will of God, or maybe I'll just receive them in the next life. That's a great way to get people to keep striving for an ideal, while making them question what they are doing wrong to not be receiving certain blessings. So I put my all into being obedient. I pushed myself to do all the things, in a valiant effort to make up for my past sins, to "qualify" for blessings and eternal life, and to make sure I helped my family to do the same, so they could be in the celestial kingdom with me. I convinced myself that the heaviness, depression, and anxiety I felt were just personal flaws, or trials and challenges I had to endure. I learned to put a smile on my face, "put my shoulder to the wheel," ignore my own thoughts, feelings, and needs, and build a facade of competency and happiness.
I wasn't alone in this. I have met many other women who are also awakening, and realizing that the church's formula for "happiness" is actually toxic to mental health. The number one benefit for them in leaving the church has been an improvement in their mental health. I also know of many, many women who suffer from depression, anxiety, discouragement, low self-esteem, and unhappiness inside the LDS church. It's astounding and sickening when you step back and look at the bigger picture. I advocated for the LDS church for 50 years of my life, and I regret it. Now I want to spread the word about how unhealthy many of its dynamics and teachings are. I'd love to shout what I've learned about the church from the rooftops. But I won't. Because I love the Mormon people. The people at the local levels are not the ones creating these doctrines and practices. They are victims of a long history of deception and control. I also don't want to thrust someone else unwillingly and unwittingly into a faith crisis, even when I think it would ultimately be what's best for them. Besides, I know what it's like to be on the inside and to hear things like what I'm saying. I know how easy it is to dismiss or ignore it, to chalk it up to me apostatizing, or to think that I've been poisoned by "anti" stuff. When you're in, you literally cannot see it. (And that's okay. If members find some happiness or contentment in it, and it's right for them, they should stick with it.)
There's so much that has gone into my faith deconstruction. So much information that has come to light. So much pain from betrayal. So much dismay at the realization that I had been programmed and conditioned to fit into a mold that I was never meant to be in. The LDS church provided me with structure, certainty, and growth for many years, and for that I am thankful. In some ways, I wish I could have ignored what I've learned and just stuck with it, even if just for the community. But I can't. I can't unsee the "wizard" behind the curtain. And honestly, I wouldn't trade where I am for anything that the church promises to provide.
So, yeah, I'm becoming a "new" person. I'm becoming ME. And I love who I am for the first time in my life. I love who and what I am. I am enjoying getting to know myself, learning to connect with my feelings, and becoming whole again. Some friends and family will adjust, some will fade away, and some probably don't care one way or the other. I'm okay with that. I'm okay with me, and that's what matters.
1 comment:
I'm happy for you.
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