Thursday, May 7, 2015

Learning from Dale Carnegie

    I've started reading Dale Carnegie's "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" and even with only being 40 pages in, I'm deeply impressed. This is stuff that I needed a reminder about right now. I've struggled with anxiety for most of my adult life- sometimes it's just lurking in the background and I'm able to ignore it enough to enjoy life, and other times it seems to almost consume me, robbing me of sleep, peace of mind, and the ability to make decisions or live my life.

     I love the solutions Carnegie proposes and think they're worth sharing (in condensed form) here.
1. Analyze the situation [that's causing you to worry] fearlessly and honestly. Figure out what the worst-case scenario is- what is the worst thing that could possibly happen because of the situation?
2. Reconcile yourself to accepting the worst-case scenario if it were to happen.
3. Calmly put your time and energy into trying to improve upon the worst-case scenario that you've already accepted in your mind.
     I think this is basically the same as "expect the worst, hope for the best." If we can take ourselves down the path to the darkest outcome possible and come to terms with that, then work to make sure that particular outcome never comes to fruition, we're able to more fully enjoy whatever the outcome does end up being. And even if the worst is the outcome, we've already come to terms with it and won't be blindsided by it.

     The next part that really grabbed my attention was this quote by Andre Maurois, "Everything that is in agreement with our personal desires seems true. Everything that is not puts us into a rage."
You could also substitute the words "funk, depression, bad mood" in place of rage and it would still be true. A lot of our disappointments, worry, and unhappiness in life come from not being able to step outside of our own desires and the way we think things "should" be. The problem with this is that if we can't open ourselves to answers that may not be in line with our desires, we may be missing the very things that we need to solve our problems!
     As Carnegie puts it, "Is it any wonder, then, that we find it so hard to get at the answers to our problems? Wouldn't we have the same trouble trying to solve a second-grade arithmetic problem, if we went ahead on the assumption that two plus two equals five? Yet there are a lot of people in this world who make life hell for themselves and others by insisting that two plus two equals five - or maybe five hundred!"
     When we can acknowledge that our reality isn't the only possible reality in this world, and start honestly searching for new ways to look at or think about things, that's when we're most likely to experience growth and find solutions to those things that cause us the most grief.

     I'm looking forward to gaining more insight from Mr. Carnegie's study of worry and the wisdom he's gleaned from many smart and successful people. I may never be fully rid of anxiety, but when I open myself up to knowledge from new sources, I almost always find something that can help...and that's certainly been the case with this book!

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Loving Our Differences

I haven't had much time to blog lately but I did have the opportunity to write a talk for church so I'm sharing that here. It gave me a lot to think about...and to work on. 

God made us all different. If He had wanted us all to be the same, He very easily could have created us to be so. Instead, He created each of us to be precious and unique individuals.

Elder Wirthlin gave a talk once that spoke about the differences we all have, and how we are all valuable because of them, not in spite of them. He said:" Some are lost because they are different. They feel as though they don’t belong. Perhaps because they are different they find themselves slipping away from the flock. They may look, act, think, and speak differently than those around them and that sometimes causes them to assume they don’t fit in. They conclude that they are not needed.

Tied to this misconception is the erroneous belief that all members of the Church should look, talk, and be alike. The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole…" 

Heavenly Father also gave us enough in common that we should be able to relate to and have compassion for one another. There's not a soul alive who hasn't felt hunger, pain, fear, or disappointment. Conversely, we all have experienced some form of love and joy in our lives. You would think that with these shared emotions that we'd have an easier time putting ourselves in someone else's shoes and trying to understand why they act the way they do. But we don't. We're basically self-centered, self-righteous creatures. We are fallen mortals, and that gets in the way of recognizing and appreciating that we're all in the same boat, that our differences are what make this life interesting and worthwhile. Just like in an orchestra, we need each of our different personalities, talents, and even weaknesses to make this life the rich symphony it's meant to be.

Have you ever thought of the fact that we NEED other people with their weaknesses? Wouldn't life be better if we were all perfect? On the surface it would seem that way, but if we were all perfect there would be no need for love, compassion, service, forgiveness, or any of the other qualities that help us grow into who we need to be. We need the broken around us to remind us of our own imperfection. And the moment we start judging someone else for not being enough- for not being smart enough, not being pretty enough, faithful enough, or strong enough, talented enough, or "with it" enough…in that moment we show our own lack. We show that we aren't enough. We aren't compassionate enough, understanding enough, patient enough, or loving enough.

We should be united and pulling together for a great common cause, especially here at church. There should be no gossiping, back-biting, criticizing, and judging. This is where we all come together as imperfect beings to learn how to become better human beings. We can't do that when we're focused on what other people need to work on, how others need to change, or how others need to be. Before we ever open our mouths to comment about someone else's shortcomings, we should stop and take an honest assessment of ourselves. I don't know of anyone who is perfected enough already to be able to say that they have nothing left to work on. And if you aren't done with the process of perfection, you have no need to worry about where someone else is in the process.

David and I read a book called "The Lord Looketh on the Heart" and the most profound section was one where the authors explain a game they play in their family, which I think would be helpful in most families. It's called "What's Their Secret?" and the rules are simple. 1. When you meet  or see someone who is doing something that causes you to react in a negative way, stop and ask yourself, "What's their secret?" 2. Once you have asked the question, then make a list of possible answers. It's possible that none of the answers will be the real answer, but they may stop you from making a quick, unfair, or wrong judgment.

They go on to demonstrate how this "game" can work: One festive Christmas morning the author and his family piled into their car to make the 100 mile trip to Grandma's house. The highway was busy and they passed several gift-laden cars full of college students making their way home and other families driving down the road, obviously anticipating their family get-togethers. The radio filled their van with Christmas carols. Their singing faded as they noticed the blue and red flashing lights of two highway patrol cars several hundred yards ahead. They said a silent prayer that the happiness of Christmas wouldn't be ruined by tragedy. As they approached, they were relieved to see an old, rusty car in front of the patrol cars, fully intact. They noticed a disheveled  man at the front of the car, where he stood by the officers. His head was down, and one officer was writing on his ticket pad. It didn't take them long to put two and two together as they saw an open beer can next to a case of beer on the hood of the car.
At first, they were thoroughly disgusted. Imagine, driving drunk on Christmas Day. They wondered what kind of man would put other lives in peril on a holiday. That question still hung in the air as they began to ask "What's his secret? Why would someone be alone on Christmas Day? Why would he be drinking?"
The sad choices of possible answers to those questions changed their thoughts of anger and disgust to ones of sympathy and compassion. They didn't have the chance to ask the man why he was pulled over that Christmas afternoon. They just thought of the possibilities. They concluded that his drunk driving was wrong, but their reaction changed from one of condemnation and judgment to one of charity and understanding. Seldom is a life changed by harsh judgment or condemnation, but charity and understanding can become a life-changing habit.

What if, next time we catch ourselves jumping to conclusions about something we see someone doing, we stop and take the time to play this game? Imagine how much more compassion we could show to them if we stopped and tried to understand what might possibly make them act that way, or why they made that particular choice. Isn't this the kind of mercy we all hope others will extend to us?

Patricia Holland has said "Isn't it sometimes discouraging to see just how easily the adversary uses such earthly issues as vanity and worry, envy and pettiness to distract us from our divine mission and the unity we could enjoy in the Church? We all get discouraged and distracted-- caught up in the thick of thin things-- no matter how good we are. But do we have time, energy, or emotion to waste on what dress to wear or whose living room is the loveliest? We have real things to think about, things of the kingdom of God. We need to drink more deeply and be filled more fully for the work that lies ahead of us."

When we're busy pointing out others' imperfections, we're not focused on the things of God. We're not focused on being united and in doing the work of the Lord. We lose sight of the purpose of this life, which is to learn and grow. We can't be as effective in the kingdom of God if we're focused more on tearing down than on building up those around us. And really, when we're looking around us and comparing others to the standard of ourselves, aren't we placing ourselves above the only true standard: That of Jesus Christ? If we spent more time comparing ourselves to the standard of Jesus Christ, and humbly acknowledge how short we fall of that ideal, we might be more inclined to work on the stumbling blocks in our own life rather than worrying about the shortcomings of someone else. The Lord has said "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." It seems to me that if Jesus Christ Himself has told us that the two greatest commandments are to love God and love others, it must be pretty important for us to do so. We often find that when we follow the first great commandment, to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind, that it becomes easier to follow the command to love others.

We can very easily know how close we are to God by how compassionate we are towards others. Is our first inclination to judge, to condemn, to tear down? Or is it to try to understand, to be merciful, to give someone the chance to be imperfect but loved anyways?

We can't become who we need to become without God's grace in our life. And we can't really experience that grace if we aren't willing to extend it to others. The command to forgive others is just the tip of the iceberg. To err is human, to forgive is divine. But to love is the culmination of everything that Jesus ever taught.

In President Hinckley's book "Standing For Something," he says the following: "Each of us is human, subject to the problems that afflict humans. We should not tolerate laziness, dishonesty, or betrayal. But neither should we condemn others for such apparent lapses. Instead, we can reach out to help them carry the burdens of sickness and financial difficulty, and even the weaknesses and shortcomings with which they are grappling. None of us needs someone who only points out our areas of weakness and the ways in which we have fallen short. We need someone who encourages us to go forward, to try again, to reach a little higher this time. Excellence is difficult to achieve in a vacuum." 

Often the need we feel to criticize others comes from an emptiness within ourselves. It's not so much a reflection of that other person's lack, as it is an example of our own. C.S. Lewis has said "We are born helpless. As soon are we are fully conscious we discover loneliness… Our whole being by its very nature is one vast need; incomplete, preparatory, empty yet cluttered, crying out for Him who can untie things that are now knotted together and tie up things that are still dangling loose."

It's this longing for God that we often mistake for a desire to have the things around us perfect. We crave God's perfection in our life, but instead of turning to Him and drawing closer to His perfection, we often turn away and focus on the imperfections of others in a feeble attempt to make our own imperfections seem less severe. We attempt to make ourselves feel better through tactics that are guaranteed to only make us feel worse. Heavenly Father wants us to share in His love, His grace, and his glory. He needs us to look up to Him, not sideways at the people around us. It's only when we draw closer to God that we can come closer to creating a heaven on earth. We must look to Him to see how to model our homes, our relationships, and our lives.

President Hinckley encouraged us to rise above ourselves. He said "Let us bind up the wounds- oh, the many wounds that have been caused by cutting words, by stubbornly cultivated grievances, by scheming plans to "get even" with those who may have wronged us. We all have a little of this spirit of revenge in us. Fortunately, we all also have the power to rise above it. "

He went on to say that the willingness to forgive is a sign of spiritual and emotional maturity- one of the greatest virtues to which we should all aspire. To quote him again: "We have need of forgiveness, mercy, and compassion. The whole world has need of them, for they are the essence of goodness. We need these qualities in homes where tiny molehills of misunderstanding grow into mountains of argument, and where parents and children sometimes hang on to an old grievance for years and even a lifetime. We need them among neighbors whose insignificant differences lead to undying bitterness. We need them among business associates who quarrel and refuse to compromise or forgive when, in most instances, a willingness to sit down together, exercise compassion, and speak quietly one to another could resolve the matter to the blessing of all. Too often, too many people spend their days blaming others, nurturing grudges, and planning retribution."

Imagine if Jesus had treated others the way we often treat each other. The woman caught in adultery likely would have been stoned, Matthew would have been shunned as a despicable tax collector, the sinners would have been left to suffer. But that's not how He was or is. And it's His example that we are told to follow. We can take comfort in the knowledge that our Savior loves every one of us, and wants us to be happy. He wants us to be united in good purposes, and one of those purposes is helping each other grow in love and testimony. He wants us to reach out to those who we might naturally avoid or who annoy us, or who aren't like us. It's only when we realize that every single man, woman, and child on this earth has divine potential and unlimited value that we begin to understand how and why Jesus lived and died for all of us.

The question is: how can we move past the pettiness and mortal inclination to criticize and compare ourselves with others? Patricia Holland again has some wise words of advice: she say's "Seek to position yourself prayerfully in some solitude and serenity to receive the mind of God. Stop what you are so frantically doing. Shut the door, turn out all earthly lights, set aside all earthly sights. Position yourself calmly and quietly in humble serenity until your prayer flows naturally and lovingly. When you feel God's presence, when you feel he is with you, you will be filled with a wonderful strength that will allow you to do anything in righteousness.

Thus filled and strengthened, we can return to the battle, to some inevitable noise and commotion and yes, even some drudgery. But we do it more happily, more hopefully, more optimistically because we have communed with God and been filled in those quiet moments with his joy, his charity, and his compassion, and we bear something of his light as we return. And because we are filled and strong, we can be a source of light, life, and love for others.
When we connect with God, then we will connect with others honestly and compassionately. When we pay the price to see God, we become aware of how closely connected we are to each other."

The closer we are to God, the more we are able to see what He sees in others. We're able to appreciate how each of us contributes to this world and how we are all in this life together.
Sheri Dew pointed out that "we live in a connected world. Today, in every country of the world, men and women, boys and girls, ride subways and jeepneys and bicycles with cell phones in hand, many of them sophisticated enough to send and receive calls, text messages, email, and downloads any hour of the day or night. We want to be connected and go to extraordinary lengths and expense to be so."

The questions she then poses is one we should all ask ourselves. "Do we make even a fraction as much effort  at connecting and staying connected with the heavens-- with immersing ourselves in the word of God and experiencing for ourselves its power, with seeking to learn the language of revelation and how to hear the voice of the Lord? The ultimate connection is conversing with our Father, in the name of Jesus Christ, through the ministering of the Holy Ghost. And that connection comes as a result of diligently, earnestly, steadily seeking, the reward for which is great." 

How many hours do we spend playing games on our phones, tablets, or computers? Do we come close to giving a tithe of that time to the Lord? Who can say that they give even 10% of their free time in devotion to God? It's a sad statement about our society that most people can quote sports stats, tell you all about the latest episode of a TV show, or brag about what level of a game they're on, but they often don't know the most basic scripture stories, can't tell you what Jesus taught, and don't understand why the golden rule is even important any more.

"One of the greatest challenges we face in our hurried, self-centered lives is to follow the counsel of the Savior… to take the time and make the effort to care for others, to develop and exercise the one quality that would enable us to change the lives of others-what the scriptures call charity."

Charity, or the pure love of Christ, is something that we can all be blessed with. It's this love that will enable us to look on others with more kindness, compassion, and mercy. It's love that will help us to let hurtful comments pass without taking offense, or help us forgive when others have hurt us. Love will help us bind up the seen and unseen wounds of those around us, and love will be what enables us to see the beauty and greatness in our differences.

Monday, February 9, 2015

A Day in the Life of a Primary President

I know my experiences are just one example of how a Sunday can be, but I thought I'd share a Sunday in the life of a Primary president in a small ward:

Yawn. Is that the alarm already? Why is it that my body perversely wants to wake up at 6:30 on a Saturday morning but feels like it needs 3 more hours of sleep at 7:00 on a Sunday?! Time to get up and get a move on. I'll get some breakfast and see my hubby out the door (glad I don't have to go to any extra meetings this morning!) Time to check my phone and see if any teachers have called off for today. Got a text yesterday from one of them, but they weren't scheduled to teach today anyway. So far, so good. No new messages. Time to look over the presidency message I'll be giving today and try to get some inspiration from my scriptures. My mind is already going through everything I need to make sure gets done.

I made it to church. That's half the battle, right? Not exactly. That's the easy part for me. Now to get the chairs set up, check that the conducting sheet is on the podium and everything is in place. Yep- good to go. One more thing checked off my list. I'm looking forward to third hour. I love being with the children. Their enthusiasm, love, and faith make my day.

Ah...sit down in the chapel and enjoy the peaceful feeling. Time to start already? Yay- the opening hymn is one of my favorites! What did the bishop's counselor just say? Did I miss an important announcement? I hope not. It's hard to focus when someone keeps trying to whisper to me.

Here's my favorite part of the day- the sacrament. I love how quiet I feel, even when it's not perfectly quiet around me. I love my Savior. So glad He hasn't given up on me.

Now it's time for the talks. I wonder what they'll be on today? Hmmm...looking around, I'm starting to get a sinking feeling. I see one of our teachers. No, two. Um...where are the other two? Are the nursery leaders here? I see one...and that's it. Uh oh. Not again. Now my mind is anywhere but on the talks. Which class will I need to teach now? Who else can I get to teach another? Who can I ask to help in nursery? Suddenly the peaceful feeling of a few moments ago is lost in the anxiety of realizing that we're going to be short-handed and unprepared.

Well, this is an awful song. I guess I shouldn't be so honest about it, and really, it's just that it's a difficult tune. I think there are a total of five people who can actually sing it. Ugh. I miss singing some of the energetic songs. Something to make me feel hopeful and encouraged.

I like this talk. I'm glad I decided to just worry about the classes when it's class time so I can focus on what this brother is saying. Ouch, that admonition hit home. So many reminders that I've still got so much progress to make before I'm really a "saint." Love that he adds little bits of humor though.

Ah, the closing hymn is a good one. I love this song. I'd say it's one of my favorites, but I think I have about 40 of those.

Sacrament meeting is over already? I don't know what people are talking about when they say 3 hours is a long time at church. Oh, wait...once I've spent 2 hours in primary it does kind of feel like 6. Not because it's not enjoyable. It's just very busy and tiring.

Let's see- if I ask Stephanie to cover that class, I can teach the Sunbeams, and nursery only has one child and the leader is comfortable being by herself. Not ideal by any means, but it'll have to do for today. Problem solved. Kind of.

Who's in my class today? I see N and A and M. I love these little ones. Gotta go grab a manual and copy a page for coloring. I hate not having had time to prepare. Had I known, I would've read through the lesson and had an activity for them. Ugh. It feels like we're cheating the kids when we have to put together a lesson "on the fly." Uh oh... is it a full moon or something? Where are my smiling, sweet sunbeams? Why is everyone so cranky??! Sigh. Let's see if we can get them to smile. Yep- pretending to be super grumpy teacher caused a smile or two. I hope it lasts. Nope. Bigger sigh.

Well, I survived that hour. Too bad I didn't have treats to bribe them with. Tough crowd today. Let's hope things go smoother for third hour.

Cool- look at how many children are here today! That makes me smile! I love each of these kids. All so different in personalities, but all so great in their own ways. This is why I keep giving 110% on Sundays. All for them.

Oh, dear. Another meltdown for M, and I have to sit with N on my lap or she wants to go to momma too. Hard to conduct with a little one tagging along, but I'd rather have her be my shadow than want to leave. Wow, it's noisy in here today. The older kids seem to be having a great time visiting with each other. Love to see their friendships. But...we really do need to get started!

I love listening to the children pray. You never know what they'll say. Sometimes it's so sincere and heartfelt. Other times (especially with little ones) they'll just talk to God about their doll. Makes me smile. Now it's time to share my presidency message. I'm going to try to help the children learn how to prepare a talk for Primary. Not a fun subject, but I think our kids are capable of so much more than just reading a talk out of the Friend. I hope this will help them want to search the scriptures and check out the resources on the church's website. They're just spiritual giants in the bud- wait til they bloom!

Sweet N just put her hands on both sides of my face (like I did during the lesson, to show them how Jesus would hold their face and tell them each how much He loves them.) So glad she remembered something good from the lesson!

Wasn't the full moon last week? Really, I don't know what's going on in here. Why are the older kids being so noisy? Oh, wait...that's some adults in the back of the room being that loud. That's not good. I can't leave "my" class though. Good...Tanya just sat behind me to try to get the Valiant boys to behave. I'm shocked by how disrespectful the older children are being today. Not their finest hour.

Poor Stephanie. Singing time really should be fun, and these kids are just NOT settling down. I'm so glad she's not a quitter.

Sharing time went better. Tanya did great. Probably helps that the older boys got to act out a man being stranded in a pit and a second man coming to his aid with a ladder. Quite entertaining, actually. And such a great object lesson. Hmm...I think we're going to have to separate some of the friends on the back row. Love that they enjoy coming and seeing each other, but it's not cool to have the big kids giving the little ones such a bad example.

Time for the closing song already? Thank goodness!

Whew. Survived two hours of Primary. Sure wish I had had time to talk to our newest teacher. She looks shell-shocked back there, and I know how lonely it can be serving in Primary. I wonder where the other teachers were today? Are they okay? I know there's been a lot of sickness going around lately. I hope Britney got the assignments passed out- A was eager to know what her topic is for next week.

Time to get things put away and take a few minutes to chat before heading home. What? M didn't sleep at all last night? Sure wish I had known that when he was in class- gives me a whole different perspective on his meltdowns. Poor little guy. And his poor mom.

Ah. Home. I'm wiped out. It's exhausting enough to give 110%, but when you give your all and it still ends up like a train wreck, it's draining. I feel like crying. I don't understand why so few people want to serve in Primary. I don't understand why teachers don't let me know when they won't be there. I don't know how to help new teachers when I'm busy subbing for others. I don't understand why other adults don't see Primary as being the important foundation that it is. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

But then I remember N putting her hands on the sides of my face and I remember that Jesus loves me, too.

And...the children are so worth it.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Thoughts on Ecclesiastes Chapter 7

Here are some thoughts I had while reading Ecclesiastes Chapter 7 today:

Verse 4: "The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth."

I have to admit that I was stumped when I first read through this. How could it possibly be better to be in a house of mourning? Mourning conjures images of pain, sadness, and loss, and it would be a stretch even for someone of great spiritual strength to say that they want to be there in the midst of mourning. Then I realized that I was taking it too literally (again,) After more thought, here's how I understand it: a wise person thinks of the end of their life (the time of mourning) and recognizes that there has to have been more to their life than just pleasure and laughter. They keep their eyes fixed on God and their eternal destination. Fools, on the other hand, live in the here and now. They seek out pleasure and distractions, and waste the time they do have. They pay no heed to their final destination.

Verse 14: "In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of adversity consider: God also hath set the one over against the other, to the end that man should find nothing after him."

Again, I think it's being emphasized that man should learn to live in the moment and enjoy what has been given, but not to lose sight of the eternal. It's a reminder that even if we enjoy prosperity, the temporal wealth isn't what's going to last. ("You can't take it with you.") What will remain after the riches are gone and we are dead and buried? If we are wise, it will be the influence we had on the lives of others, the impact we had on the world around us, and the love that we shared. It reminds us that even if we were to lose everything, God will still be there.

Verses 21-22: "Also take no heed unto all words that are spoken; lest thou hear they servant curse thee; For oftentimes also thine own heart knoweth that thou thyself likewise hast cursed others."

It's good counsel to not take offense if you hear someone speaking badly of you. Nobody likes to hear someone else saying mean things about them, but if we are honest with ourselves, we'll admit that we've done the same thing to others. We should probably look for truth in what the person has said in case there is something we need to change, but then let it go. After all, we've all said things when we were hurt, angry, tired, or upset that we likely wouldn't have said otherwise. We usually don't know everything that contributed to a person's comments, so it's better to err on the side of mercy and work to forgive what's been heard than to hold onto it and let it fester. It's what we'd want when we get caught saying something we shouldn't.