My mind is eerily quiet these days. It's unnerving at times, but also somewhat peaceful. I've traded racing thoughts and sometimes profound insights for a silence that makes me wonder if I've gone brain dead or if I'm just readjusting to life and enjoying a period of calm.
My journey lately has focused on regaining my mental and physical health and I'm curious to see where it takes me. I've been on wellbutrin now for about 6 weeks and it has made a huge difference. I have so much more energy than before and I wake up feeling happy and optimistic again. (I am normally a cheerful person in the morning.) Not only do I not feel depressed any more, I now feel calmer and more balanced.
This has really helped with the other phase of improving my well-being: the health challenge. It feels good to be in control of my body, to not be giving in to emotional eating and being far more careful about what I'm putting into my body. Every time I make a good choice for my body I feel smarter, stronger, and more confident.
I suppose it's asking too much to see weight loss also. This part is really discouraging me. I am eating less, eating almost no junk food, exercising 6 days a week, not eating after 8pm, not eating sugary treats or desserts- basically everything we've always been told we should do... and I'm not losing weight. I've been doing this for at least 4 weeks now and have lost a grand total of 3-5 pounds (which doesn't even stay constant.) What else can I do?? I'm trying to tell myself that I really do want to keep living a more healthy lifestyle and that I feel better when I eat better, but honestly, in the back of my mind I've got this little devil saying "What's the point? You weigh the same either way. Your health is good, you have perfect cholesterol and blood pressure... why not just go back to eating the "good" stuff and learn to accept your body the way it is?" NOT HELPFUL!! It's a daily battle to fight these thoughts and tell myself that it will be worth it in the end.
I've also been reading Dr.Phil's book "The Ultimate Weight Solution" which has some really good points like "food is not a fix-it-all" or "...your interpretation-the meaning you assign to a situation- is what triggers your emotional response, as opposed to the event that has actually taken place. Your emotions flow from the meaning you attach to situations." I'm hoping to gain some insights into why I'm not losing weight but the book will be worth it either way.
Now onto Valentine's Day. Wanna know my take on this "holiday?" I think it's something that was created solely for Hallmark and florists. I am terribly unromantic (the practical side of me wins every time) so I'm not impressed by flowers that will wilt, die, and stink after a week, or candy that's going to taste good for a moment but will send the scale in the wrong direction. (Is it love to try to make your significant other fat??! They're supposed to be significant in your heart, not in size!)
I know this is an important day for many ladies out there, but I just can't get into the spirit of it. I would rather have someone show me love in a thousand little ways over the course of a year than get a dozen roses and a mushy card that someone else wrote one day in February. I guess you can call me the Valentine Scrooge. But I can guarantee that it meant more to me that my hubby got up and did the dishes last night without being asked than it would for him to walk in the door with roses and candy tonight.
And when did it become a holiday for women?? Have you noticed that everyone expects men to treat women special on Valentine's Day but there's hardly a mention of ladies doing something for their men. I know women are more naturally inclined to do special things on a regular basis, and some guys need a nudge in that direction... but is it fair to assume that of all men? I think there are a lot of really good guys out there who don't get enough credit for what they already do- don't they deserve to be taken to dinner also?
Okay, so maybe my mind isn't completely thought-less lately. I'm just not thinking of anything particularly profound or inspiring! But I'm enjoying life again, trying hard to stay motivated to take care of myself, enjoying every opportunity I have to do something nice for someone else, and occasionally ranting on silly topics like Valentine's Day. That's just the way I roll. :)
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Life
It's almost 10pm and I really should be heading to bed. After all, I need to be up around 5:50 tomorrow morning. And going to bed would mean that I can ignore feeling hungry. You see, I started a "health challenge" two weeks ago, (you earn points for each healthy behavior you do for each day) and one of the rules is that you can't eat after 8pm. Sigh. You know how the munchies hit around 9-9:30 as you're finally unwinding from a long day? I no longer have the comfort of food to bring on the happy sleep coma. But... I feel better. Not only am I no longer snacking late at night, but I'm not snacking on junk food at all. No more cookies, cake, muffins, (can you tell I love baked goods??!), chips, chex mix, etc. Now it's ants on a log, baby carrots, applesauce, apples, bananas, and sometimes some granola/nut mix or a granola/protein bar. (Very few of the latter... they're too high calorie!)
It's been an interesting journey so far, and I'm only two weeks in. I've already learned some important lessons:
a) It's okay to feel hungry. Really. I'm not going to starve to death (no laughing, please.) What I feel is nothing compared to what many people experience as a daily fact of life, and they don't have the comfort of having a fully stocked pantry downstairs.
b) Food can't make my hurts go away. I now have to come closer to facing the reasons I overeat. Often it's been because of boredom and easy access to delicious foods. But I also eat when I'm stressed, tired, or wanting to reward myself. One of my favorite pinterest sayings is "You are not a dog. Do not reward yourself with food." So true.
c) It's really hard to deny yourself all the goodies in the house when everyone else is eating them around you. BUT... after two weeks it's getting much easier. I can stop and think it through.. Is that particular junk food worth losing a point? Is it going to make me healthier? Do I really want to put that into my body, or do I love myself enough to "just say no?"
d) Drinking 64+ ounces of water everyday means a lot of trips to the bathroom. I'm learning to get more of it in earlier in the day so hopefully the 4am call of nature will soon be a thing of the past.
e) Vigorous exercise is a lot different than comfortably plodding along on the elliptical. The "walking" video I bought is getting me moving a lot faster than I normally do. (Boosted walking is just another way of saying JOGGING.) You know how in nature some animals are built for speed and some aren't (think cheetah and hippo)? Well, I'm not the type that's built for speed. Never have been, don't think I ever will be. But I'm giving it my best shot, and it feels good to be challenged.
f) I feel good every time I practice self control. Whether it's saying "no" to unhealthy foods or saying "yes" to 45 minutes of exercise every day, I feel empowered and in control of my body and appetites. And I don't feel nearly as guilty when I enjoy some goodies on my "free" day (one day a week when the rules don't apply.) I've also learned that too much junk food on the free day only equals a tummyache, not complete and utter satisfaction.
I'm not sure I would have taken on this challenge even a month ago. Fortunately, I finally gave in and talked to my doctor and was prescribed wellbutrin for depression/seasonal affective disorder. Honestly, I don't know if it's just the seasonal blues or the depression that's been building over the past year, but it feels good to be interested in life again. My energy level is still lower than it should be, but I feel a lot more hopeful and engaged in life. And this is at the lowest dose! (My doctor just upped the dose today, but that also doubles the cost... so we'll see how long I can keep it up. Darn high deductible health insurance with no prescription coverage.)
So that's where my life is today. I'm tackling my food issues, depression, and some personal stress but at least I'm facing it head on. That feels good. I'm going to give myself a pat on the back. And then I'm going to bed. :)
It's been an interesting journey so far, and I'm only two weeks in. I've already learned some important lessons:
a) It's okay to feel hungry. Really. I'm not going to starve to death (no laughing, please.) What I feel is nothing compared to what many people experience as a daily fact of life, and they don't have the comfort of having a fully stocked pantry downstairs.
b) Food can't make my hurts go away. I now have to come closer to facing the reasons I overeat. Often it's been because of boredom and easy access to delicious foods. But I also eat when I'm stressed, tired, or wanting to reward myself. One of my favorite pinterest sayings is "You are not a dog. Do not reward yourself with food." So true.
c) It's really hard to deny yourself all the goodies in the house when everyone else is eating them around you. BUT... after two weeks it's getting much easier. I can stop and think it through.. Is that particular junk food worth losing a point? Is it going to make me healthier? Do I really want to put that into my body, or do I love myself enough to "just say no?"
d) Drinking 64+ ounces of water everyday means a lot of trips to the bathroom. I'm learning to get more of it in earlier in the day so hopefully the 4am call of nature will soon be a thing of the past.
e) Vigorous exercise is a lot different than comfortably plodding along on the elliptical. The "walking" video I bought is getting me moving a lot faster than I normally do. (Boosted walking is just another way of saying JOGGING.) You know how in nature some animals are built for speed and some aren't (think cheetah and hippo)? Well, I'm not the type that's built for speed. Never have been, don't think I ever will be. But I'm giving it my best shot, and it feels good to be challenged.
f) I feel good every time I practice self control. Whether it's saying "no" to unhealthy foods or saying "yes" to 45 minutes of exercise every day, I feel empowered and in control of my body and appetites. And I don't feel nearly as guilty when I enjoy some goodies on my "free" day (one day a week when the rules don't apply.) I've also learned that too much junk food on the free day only equals a tummyache, not complete and utter satisfaction.
I'm not sure I would have taken on this challenge even a month ago. Fortunately, I finally gave in and talked to my doctor and was prescribed wellbutrin for depression/seasonal affective disorder. Honestly, I don't know if it's just the seasonal blues or the depression that's been building over the past year, but it feels good to be interested in life again. My energy level is still lower than it should be, but I feel a lot more hopeful and engaged in life. And this is at the lowest dose! (My doctor just upped the dose today, but that also doubles the cost... so we'll see how long I can keep it up. Darn high deductible health insurance with no prescription coverage.)
So that's where my life is today. I'm tackling my food issues, depression, and some personal stress but at least I'm facing it head on. That feels good. I'm going to give myself a pat on the back. And then I'm going to bed. :)
Monday, January 9, 2012
Feeling Like an Outsider (Again)
Do you ever feel like you don't belong? Does it seem like you're always on the fringe of fitting in but never quite part of the group? Do you ever think that there's no one out there who really wants to be around you?
I do.
A lot lately.
And it stinks.
I went from feeling like I was a real part of a group, as if I finally "fit in" somewhere, to feeling as if it was all just an illusion (or maybe delusion?)
I know part of this is my fault. I had been arrogant in thinking that I had been completely healed of social anxiety disorder. I should have realized that the ability to push myself so far out of my comfort zone was a temporary blessing that was needed while I served in such a visible role. Unfortunately, as soon as I was given a new challenge all of my energy went to overcoming that and I no longer made as much of an effort to reach out to others. It doesn't help that the one place I always counted on to be around the people I know (church) is now a place where I have so little interaction with any of the adults that it adds to the feeling of isolation. Don't get me wrong- I love being with the children, but I miss having the built-in opportunity to visit with friends and meet new people. It's almost impossible to get to know someone in the 10 minutes before church starts- and after that all of my time is spent with the children.
I still try toget together with some of the people I think might like me. But there have been many invitations made for game nights, and 99% were turned down. We no longer have "friends" coming over to spend an evening with us. (With the exception of the Smiths. I don't want to dismiss their much needed and appreciated friendship.)
This leaves me wondering if it's me. I know I suck as a friend. I'm not very outgoing or lively. I don't want/need constant contact so I don't want to talk on the phone every day or hang out for hours on end a couple times a week. (This doesn't mean that I don't want any contact though. I enjoy conversations with friends and getting together to do things or just to visit.) I don't do scrapbooking or crafts, and I feel awkward going to playgroup when I have no young children and don't really relate to the life stage that the other ladies are at. I just don't fit in. Which is okay if you still feel accepted and wanted. But I don't any more.
What makes it worse is that I hate whining. I hate feeling sorry for myself. So most days I just try to stay busy and not think about it. Other times, I make the effort to try to reach out again.
Unfortunately, no matter how much I hate feeling sorry for myself, those feelings are real. I can't pretend that I'm not hurt when I hear about other people being invited over for games, celebrations, dinners, etc. and no one ever invites my family. (*Note: Not to be rude, but please don't suddenly invite us over because you feel sorry for us or because you think you should be charitable. If you didn't want us over before, don't invite us now.)
I know that I need to make the effort to reach out to others again. One of our family goals is to have game nights on a regular basis again. I want to get better at being social. I'll go to every activity offered and push myself to keep trying. Maybe this year will have miraculous results and we'll find a core group of friends who want to get together with us. Or maybe we'll continue living on the fringes. Either way, I've got to do my part to try.
If anyone has ever wanted to join us for a game night but hasn't been able to- let me know. Or if you've come over before but haven't made it back again and would like to- let me know. I'd be happy to have the company. And if you're not interested in being my friend but can relate to how I feel- at least we know we're not alone.
I do.
A lot lately.
And it stinks.
I went from feeling like I was a real part of a group, as if I finally "fit in" somewhere, to feeling as if it was all just an illusion (or maybe delusion?)
I know part of this is my fault. I had been arrogant in thinking that I had been completely healed of social anxiety disorder. I should have realized that the ability to push myself so far out of my comfort zone was a temporary blessing that was needed while I served in such a visible role. Unfortunately, as soon as I was given a new challenge all of my energy went to overcoming that and I no longer made as much of an effort to reach out to others. It doesn't help that the one place I always counted on to be around the people I know (church) is now a place where I have so little interaction with any of the adults that it adds to the feeling of isolation. Don't get me wrong- I love being with the children, but I miss having the built-in opportunity to visit with friends and meet new people. It's almost impossible to get to know someone in the 10 minutes before church starts- and after that all of my time is spent with the children.
I still try toget together with some of the people I think might like me. But there have been many invitations made for game nights, and 99% were turned down. We no longer have "friends" coming over to spend an evening with us. (With the exception of the Smiths. I don't want to dismiss their much needed and appreciated friendship.)
This leaves me wondering if it's me. I know I suck as a friend. I'm not very outgoing or lively. I don't want/need constant contact so I don't want to talk on the phone every day or hang out for hours on end a couple times a week. (This doesn't mean that I don't want any contact though. I enjoy conversations with friends and getting together to do things or just to visit.) I don't do scrapbooking or crafts, and I feel awkward going to playgroup when I have no young children and don't really relate to the life stage that the other ladies are at. I just don't fit in. Which is okay if you still feel accepted and wanted. But I don't any more.
What makes it worse is that I hate whining. I hate feeling sorry for myself. So most days I just try to stay busy and not think about it. Other times, I make the effort to try to reach out again.
Unfortunately, no matter how much I hate feeling sorry for myself, those feelings are real. I can't pretend that I'm not hurt when I hear about other people being invited over for games, celebrations, dinners, etc. and no one ever invites my family. (*Note: Not to be rude, but please don't suddenly invite us over because you feel sorry for us or because you think you should be charitable. If you didn't want us over before, don't invite us now.)
I know that I need to make the effort to reach out to others again. One of our family goals is to have game nights on a regular basis again. I want to get better at being social. I'll go to every activity offered and push myself to keep trying. Maybe this year will have miraculous results and we'll find a core group of friends who want to get together with us. Or maybe we'll continue living on the fringes. Either way, I've got to do my part to try.
If anyone has ever wanted to join us for a game night but hasn't been able to- let me know. Or if you've come over before but haven't made it back again and would like to- let me know. I'd be happy to have the company. And if you're not interested in being my friend but can relate to how I feel- at least we know we're not alone.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Christ Crucified Mortality
It hit me the other day as I was taking the Sacrament- Jesus Christ not only took upon Himself all of the sins and heartaches of this world, but as He died upon the cross He took mortality and crucified it also.
Without Christ mortality would be the only hope we'd have. All of the physical and emotional pain that comes from this life would be our legacy. We would never be able to rise above our bodies.
We're all aware that Jesus made it possible for us to be forgiven of our sins, but have we realized that because He became mortal and then died on the cross, He has made it possible for us to overcome all of the physical limitations of mortality also? Every ache and pain, every physical deformity or affliction will be swallowed up, never to be thrust upon us again.
He became mortality and then killed it on the cross so that we have become eternal creatures, with the hope of resurrection in a perfect body. No longer are we bound by our bodies to a life of sin, pain, and sorrow. Jesus Christ experienced every physical pain I have had or ever will have, and He died on the cross to make sure that my one experience with mortality will be the end of that pain. That gives me a lot of comfort as I deal with pain on an almost daily basis.
Without Christ mortality would be the only hope we'd have. All of the physical and emotional pain that comes from this life would be our legacy. We would never be able to rise above our bodies.
We're all aware that Jesus made it possible for us to be forgiven of our sins, but have we realized that because He became mortal and then died on the cross, He has made it possible for us to overcome all of the physical limitations of mortality also? Every ache and pain, every physical deformity or affliction will be swallowed up, never to be thrust upon us again.
He became mortality and then killed it on the cross so that we have become eternal creatures, with the hope of resurrection in a perfect body. No longer are we bound by our bodies to a life of sin, pain, and sorrow. Jesus Christ experienced every physical pain I have had or ever will have, and He died on the cross to make sure that my one experience with mortality will be the end of that pain. That gives me a lot of comfort as I deal with pain on an almost daily basis.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)