A faith transition is an interesting experience to go through. There are times when I'm filled with rage for things the church did or didn't do, for what it took from me, and for what it kept me from. Other times I am filled with deep sadness over what I have lost: community, certainty, belief, and trust. Occasionally I feel tremendous regret over what was and what could have been, disappointment over how long it took me to "see the light," and confusion about what to believe in now (or if I even should place my belief in another system or organization.) Most days, I'm okay with what it is now. I am good with not knowing, with growing and evolving. I am content in a way that I never was before, probably because I am allowed to accept myself just the way I am right now. I still want to improve myself, but it's no longer with an eye towards unattainable perfection or some standard of "worthiness." Now I can fully accept that I am human, complete with contradictions, foibles, biases, faults, and imperfections. I can also accept life just as it is, without constantly looking to the future for resolution, justice, or peace because the present isn't what I want it to be. I can accept that whatever comes my way is just another experience for me to go through, another lesson to learn, another challenge to overcome. I expect life to be hard, boring, disappointing, scary, sad, and even depressing at times. But I also expect it to be fun, exciting, beautiful, fulfilling, and meaningful. I no longer subconsciously fight against what is, but try to mindfully, consciously be present.
I don't regret leaving Mormonism for even a moment, because of how much richer, happier, and more authentic my life is now. But I have to give credit to the LDS church for some things that it did right in my life (which also helps me be at peace with the fact that I have many friends and some family who are still in it.)
The Mormon church gave me a faith foundation, something to believe in with a childlike faith. It was the prelude to the stage of faith I am in now. The church also helped me have a strong desire to improve myself. That's a mixed bag because it also instilled an underlying sense that I was never good enough and so I needed to do and be better in order to be acceptable or "worthy," but I am still thankful that I have always had that drive to keep learning and growing. The church also taught me some practical life skills, such as self-discipline, perseverance, food storage, frugality, budgeting, and how to teach and lead. Feeling pressured to accept callings was anxiety-inducing and uncomfortable, but it taught me to push past that discomfort and develop new skills and abilities. The Word of Wisdom helped me recognize how important diet and health are, and the doctrine of forever families taught me to cherish family and work on my relationships so I would want to be with them for eternity.
The most important thing the Mormon church gave me was the opportunity to become friends with some of the most incredible people I have known. I had ladies that accepted me for who I was, who were mentors, teachers, and good examples, and who showed me how to be a good wife, mother, and friend. I was surrounded by women who helped me feel loved, which was the greatest gift I could ever be given. I got to know men who were kind, humble, caring, and truly loved their wives and children, something that helped me overcome my view of God as a wrathful and angry father-figure who just wanted to punish me to one of a loving father that wanted me to be obedient so I could enjoy blessings. I had teachers who taught me the history and context of the bible and how to find meaning in the symbolic. I rubbed shoulders with many people who were far more educated than I was, giving me the impetus to educate myself further, whether by reading on my own or by finally going to college. I made good friends who I have stayed in touch with for many years and through multiple moves.
So even as I write about my anger, dislike, and disgust over the institution of the church, I don't want to forget, deny, or turn my back on the positive aspects. I may have left Mormonism, but it will always be a part of me. I'd rather make peace with that than try to remove it from myself. Some days I feel like I've got a good handle on that, other days I just want to numb out, rage, or cry. And that's okay, too. Because my reactions are healthy, normal, human reactions to what I discovered and what I am going through. I still look for the positives in this, but I know that I don't always have to be positive or happy with it.
Now indulge me here as I do a very Mormon thing and share my "testimony": Life is good. It's full of possibilities, opportunities, challenges, and so much potential to be great. I trust that I will continue to be guided to the knowledge and wisdom I need, and that I will continue to evolve to become the complete being I was made to be. I know that what I know is miniscule, and rather than letting that make me feel inadequate or ignorant, it fills me with excitement about how much I still get to learn. I believe in integrity, love, honesty, devotion, generosity, compassion, balance, peace, and authenticity. These are what I hold onto, and what I strive to practice. Amen.
1 comment:
I love you! 💝
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