My Thoughts on the Legal Aspects of Adoption (and Ideas for Reforms)

Going through the paperwork yesterday for the relinquishment of my first daughter made me realize a few things that I hadn't noticed before (or didn't have the maturity, knowledge, or capability of understanding in earlier years) and how much I wish had been different. There are so many ways that I could have been protected, supported, and helped and I just wasn't. Everything was done to ensure that I would "do the right thing" and give my child up for adoption. 

Here are a few things that stood out to me:

1. I was just barely 17 years old when I gave birth. I was a minor myself, not able to legally vote, get a credit card, or (in general) sign legally binding documents. How was it okay for me, as a minor, to give up my legal rights to my child without legal counsel or an advocate? How was I allowed to sign a form giving someone else permission to take my minor (baby) home from the hospital when I was still a minor myself? Where were the legal protections for me and my child? In what other situation is it legal for a minor to make such a huge life altering decision without counsel?

2. Because I was only 17, my brain was not fully developed. I had also experienced past trauma compounded by the additional massive trauma of pregnancy, birth and relinquishment. I very literally was not in my "right mind" when I was asked to sign adoption papers. Between hormones and trauma, there was no way that I could make a rational decision. I didn't receive counseling, balanced advice, or any information on additional options. How could I possibly have been expected to sign away rights that would have such long term effects under such circumstances?

3. No one warned me what it would be like to be a mother. All indications were that I would have the baby, hand her over, and "get on" with my life. I might be sad for awhile, but I'd get over it, like it was just another bad experience. This did not take into account the bond a mother develops with the child growing inside of her for nine months, or the rush of hormones and emotions that hit when that child is born. No one told me that trying to deny that connection would be impossible, or that it would destroy a part of me to break that connection.

4. My ex, as the "alleged father", was given paperwork that very clearly stated what his rights were, what the relinquishment meant, and interestingly enough, had a statement that if he felt he had been coerced or lied to about the adoption, he would have 5 years from the date the adoption was final to dispute it. What the FUCK??! I kept everything related to the adoption and I don't have any paperwork as the mother that is even similar. I cried when I read that statement, because I had been coerced and lied to, and I would have loved to have known that the adoption was disputable. I still wouldn't have had the resources or ability to do anything about it, but it feels like yet another choice that was taken away from me. 

5. There is no way for a 17 year old girl who has no options and no support to willingly consent to give up her child. She can be pushed, "convinced," and coerced, but there is no true consent. This is especially true with how much information is withheld from the birth mother in order to make sure the adoption goes through. 

6. Adoptive parents are often made to feel like they are doing the birth mother a "favor" by helping her get out of a sticky situation and be able to move on with her life without the additional challenge of raising a child. That's true to a certain extent, but adoptive parents should be made aware that their "favor" and the "blessing" they're receiving will also cause that girl untold trauma. It is not a fairy tale ending for everyone involved, and it would be good for adoptive parents to recognize and show empathy for the fact that their good fortune is coming at someone else's expense. Adoptive parents need to show great tenderness and sensitivity to and for the birth mother.

7. As a 17 year old, I didn't know enough about life to even know what to look for in adoptive parents, or what to expect or ask for in the adoption. I chose a couple because they were "nice," the wife was short and the husband was tall (like me and my ex), they already had a daughter so I knew my daughter would have a sibling, and the wife was a member of the church. I didn't know to vet for parenting skills, mental health issues (or the ability to help a child who might have them), education, lifestyle, or anything else. I also didn't know that I would want ongoing contact. I asked for updates for one year after the adoption because I didn't know to think beyond that. I would have asked to have an open adoption for the entire time. I would have asked to have had some interaction with my daughter. I went into all of it so blindly, and by the time I knew what I wanted and needed, it was way too late. 

I got lucky that my daughter's adoptive parents kept their word about staying in touch for the first year. I received letters and photos, just as I requested. Many birth mothers are not so lucky. There is no legal recourse for birth mothers when adoptive parents back out of an open adoption. It doesn't matter what the agreement was, if it was in writing and notarized, or anything else. There is no way for a birth mother to enforce it. If the adoptive parents decide to cut off contact and close the adoption, there is absolutely nothing the birth mother can do. It's not legally enforceable. That's wrong, and barbaric. It shows how tremendously skewed the adoption process is in favor of adoptive parents and how little power a birth mother has.

I know why the adoption system is the way it is. The agencies are there to make money by helping families get babies (even most of the "non profit" ones.) In order to do that, they have to find babies, and in order to convince a woman to give up her baby, it often requires some shady tactics. Most women would not willingly give up their child if they have a choice. (For the mothers out there- what would it have taken for you to have given up one of your children??) Adoptive parents often have financial resources that birth mothers do not, and between the adoptive parents and the agencies, they are able to lobby for and control the laws surrounding adoption. Birth mothers have very little influence legally, and are often a vulnerable population that is taken advantage of. I would love to see changes made to the system to make it more "fair" to birth mothers (I only speak to the plight of birth mothers here because that is what I am. I fully support birth fathers being given additional rights and protections also.) 

The following reforms would be a good start:

1. Full disclosure of all of the legal issues surrounding the adoption. The birth mother should know what is enforceable, what is not, how much time she has to make her decision and how much time she has to rescind it, and what her specific rights are. Rescission periods should be at least 3-6 months. In many states, they are as short as 3 days. 

2. Full disclosure of the harm the adoption may cause the birth mother and/or the child. She should be made aware of the mental and emotional trauma relinquishment will cause her, be made aware of how adoption trauma may affect the child, and be informed about how her body, hormones, and feelings will change at birth even if she feels comfortable and set in her decision ahead of time. Birth mothers should be required to read other birth mothers' narratives, and not just be reassured by the agency or adoptive parents that she will be fine.

3. Birth mothers should be provided with a legal advocate, similar to a child's court advocate. Someone who understands the situation and can provide information, resources, emotional support, and help advocate for what is best for the mother and child. The advocate would need to be independent of the adoption agency, attorneys, and adoptive parents. 

4. Birth mothers should not be asked to choose adoptive parents ahead of time. By selecting parents and creating an expectation that those parents will receive her baby, it puts additional pressure on a birth mother to relinquish even when she has changed her mind after birth. For a woman in a vulnerable position, it's often hard to say "no" and many women have gone forward with an adoption against their own desires because of the pressure created by this dynamic. 

5. The laws should change to make open adoptions enforceable. If adoptive parents agree to an open adoption, they should be held to that agreement (with exceptions for extreme situations where it is in the child's best interest not to.) Thankfully, many more adoptions nowadays are open, with birth mothers continuing to have contact and some even remaining an integral part of their child's life. But, as stated above, there is no guarantee that it will stay that way. Birth mothers in an open adoption have to tread carefully and be careful not to upset the adoptive parents or she can be denied contact and access instantly. 

6. Adoptive parents should go into the adoption with the expectation that the birth mother will continue to be involved in the child's life to a certain extent. The level of involvement could be negotiated between birth parents and adoptive parents, but children often do better when their natural parents stay connected to them. 

I know my posts make it sound like I had the most horrific adoption experience ever, and in some ways for me personally, it was. But in many ways mine was a lot more benign than what other women have gone through. And in some ways it was even good (I got lucky with the adoptive parents I chose.) I know that the majority of people have positive associations with the idea of adoption, and plenty of families have had wonderful experiences having adopted a child (or children.) I even know a few well-adjusted adult adoptees. I'm not here to say that all adoption is evil or that it should be banned entirely because I recognize that there are legitimate reasons and situations where adoption is the right answer. But I'm tired of birth parents living in the shadows and carrying the weight of the trauma involved in adoption. I'm tired of reading posts by mothers who gave up their babies and regret it horribly but can't get them back (even when it's only been a few weeks since birth!) I'm tired of hearing of women who just needed some financial help to get on their feet in order to be able to keep their baby, but had to opt for a painful permanent solution to a temporary problem. I'm saddened by the amount of pain that birth mothers have experienced, currently experience, and will continue to experience. I'm angry that our legal system is set up in a way that benefits those with more resources and separates mothers from babies with so little true consent or legal protection. I don't want another woman to ever go through what I went through. I especially don't want minors to be coerced into it. I want abortion to be easily accessible, especially for those who are too young to go through a pregnancy, and for whom the lifelong effects of adoption will be even more traumatic. I want women to have real choices, so they can decide if they want to have a baby, if they want to raise that baby, and even if they want to relinquish that baby to someone else. True choice with real consent.