Making My Own Mistakes

It's really interesting to look back at my life from the vantage point of being 50 years old and having lost belief in the LDS church. So many things that I took as "normal" were unhealthy at best and downright abusive at worst. I am coming to see and understand life, choices, agency, and freedom in whole new ways. I have a specific insight I want to share, but it requires quite a bit of background for anyone to understand why it is such an epiphany to me. 

In the LDS church I was taught that I was supposed to give my will to God, to let Him "prevail" in my life. It was expected that I would lose myself in service to others, to give my time and talents, and to do everything I was asked to do by the leaders. This worked well for many years because I didn't trust myself. I had learned from a young age that anything I did that didn't line up with the church's idea of "right" should make me feel guilty and ashamed, and the more things I did "wrong," the less I could trust myself. 

When I got pregnant at 16, it was made perfectly clear to me that I was "bad" for making such a heinous mistake, not that I was a teenage girl in desperate need of positive male attention and affection (something I was never going to receive at home.) When I was forced to give my baby up for adoption (because that was the only "right" thing to do as an unwed mother in the LDS church), I experienced a pain so excruciating that it cut me to my core, and I wanted to avoid anything else that would possibly result in pain like that again. In my teenage brain, I equated my sins (sex before marriage and unwed pregnancy) with the pain, so the best way to avoid that pain was to avoid sins. I gave my "will" to "God" (in the form of the LDS church) and tried hard to repent and get on the "right" path. I didn't trust myself to make good decisions after this, so I turned to prophets, bishops, Relief Society lessons, and religion to give me the rules and guidelines that I "needed" in order to find some peace. What this actually did was create even more expectations that I couldn't live up to, especially without loving support. Now, I was not only a teenager in need of real love, but also a horribly wounded and scarred young woman, whose needs for acceptance, understanding, and affection were still not being met. 

My home life was such that I was willing to do almost anything to escape, but I hadn't been prepared for anything but marriage and having children. I ended up marrying the father of my first child, which compounded many mistakes but did work to get me out of my family home. I ended up halfway across the country, with only my new husband as support. Unfortunately, this relationship was physically abusive, and after being held to the ground by my neck, I realized I had to get out. I wasn't thinking about God or commandments or what was "right." All I wanted was safety and love. That's when I met David, and regardless of the morality of it, he was willing to let me move in with him, and promised to love me. We had some common beliefs, since he had been raised with some LDS beliefs, and that was enough for me. (It's a testament to our perseverance and love for each other that we are still together 30 years later!) When local church leadership learned of my situation, the bishop came over and tried to convince me to move back with my abusive husband. David was strong enough to stand up to them and protect me, and I clung to the first person who had showed any interest in keeping me safe and making me feel loved. 

We were not active in the church for a few years after this, and were busy struggling to make ends meet. David was antagonistic towards the church, and when missionaries would come to the door he was not welcoming. I didn't have any bad feelings towards the church, but wasn't going to make any effort to go back either. When we moved to Virginia, we got active in the church again because David really wanted us to be sealed so we could be together forever, and I wanted to do what was "right" for our daughter. I was determined to make sure she didn't make the same mistakes I did, because I never wanted her to feel the pain I had experienced growing up or giving a child up for adoption. Again, I didn't trust myself to be a good mom without help, so I turned to the only place I knew- the LDS church. Eventually I learned to do all the things I was supposed to: attend church every Sunday, pay tithing, read scriptures, serve in callings, teach my daughter the gospel, have family home evening, keep the word of wisdom, dress the way I should, talk and pray the way they said I should, follow all the rules. I really believed this was the true way to happiness, and I was "all in." 

I soaked up messages from general conference, bought church books to supplement my gospel study, faithfully studied my scriptures and tried to understand the deeper meanings in them. When I had questions or problems, I took them first to God in prayer, then consulted church teachings, scriptures, and advice from other members. I "knew" I didn't have the knowledge, intuition, or experience to make my own choices without input from other more "wise" sources. I relied on my belief that the LDS church was the "only true church," and that the leaders had direct contact with Jesus Christ, that they had discernment and real inspiration, and could tell us all we needed to know to live happily in these "latter days." 

There were a lot of good things that came from my time in the church. There were classes that taught us about service, finances, relationships, and love. There were so many truly good people who helped us become better parents, spouses, and people. I will never deny that the LDS church had a beneficial impact on my life. 

But... the church also encouraged me to abdicate my own sense of self and my ability to make my own choices without second-guessing, anxiety, or serious regret (regret that I didn't make the "best" choice, not regret over the choice in general.) They have all the answers for life's main questions, as well as the answers to everything else you might encounter. Just do what they say, and all will be well, in this life or the next. And if you follow all their rules plus pay tithing, they'll even guarantee that you can be with your family forever. There was no need for me to even consider how some of their teachings might be harming myself or my family, no need to think about what God actually wants for me. Yes, I was supposed to get all the education and learning I could, but only if it supported their teachings. 

I won't go over the many ways that the LDS church fits the profile of a high-demand religion, and the harm those kinds of institutions cause, but I have learned that I need to re-evaluate most of what I've been taught, and see things through a new lens. One of the most empowering things I've realized is that God doesn't want me to give Him my "will." Nor does He want to directly influence my every decision. He doesn't want an earth full of helpless "children" who need constant guidance and strict rules to make them be good. He knows exactly what it is like for us to have a human experience, and He knows that the best way for any human to learn is by making choices, making mistakes, messing up, failing, and trying again. I'm pretty sure God is aware that a growth mindset is the best gift we can give our children, and one of the most useful tools we ourselves can have. A growth mindset is knowing that it's okay to make mistakes, that success requires many tries, and that the "why" of what you're doing is far more important than the "how" when it comes to moral decisions. Research is showing that being punitive or focusing on behavior or results creates fear, resentment, and outward compliance, but it does not inspire or build core values that act as a general guide in life. I can't believe in a God who uses tactics that are known to be ineffective or even harmful. I have to believe that He is using the methods that are most likely to help us follow His commandments and be happy in this life. The less-than-effective methods pushed on us by religion are man-made. 

God is not petty enough to require me to give up my human self in order to stay strictly within His guidelines. Yes, God gave commandments, and expects us to obey them, but He never put a bunch of unnecessary restrictions on us. Churches and religions have done that. God is also not into perfection for us humans. None of us will accomplish that, and I don't believe God even wants us to try. That ends up being a distraction and a detour from the real goal: learning and growing. 

The more free we are to make our own choices and to be true to our core self, the more naturally we will follow God's commandments, because no one who is psychologically healthy and accountable naturally wants to hurt others, and the commandments really do boil down to not hurting others. That's why Jesus distilled them down to "love God" and "love others." Making wrong choices is not sinning. Making choices that inadvertently hurt us or others is also not sinning. The only sin is intentionally hurting or causing harm to others, and if we have sincere remorse or regret, that is the requisite repentance. It really is that simple. Humans are the only ones who feel the need to complicate it, and much of that has come from men who want to control others. I can't fault those who have created religions and rules, because humans like certainty and feeling like they are in control of their own destiny. But I no longer need to seek guidance from them. I will look within and consult my own conscience and intuition, and look upward to God for knowledge or wisdom, but I'm done looking to humans, because they are just as fallible and prone to making mistakes as I am. And if I'm going to make mistakes, I think they should be my own.