Taking antidepressants is a definite trade-off. On the one hand, they have helped stabilize my emotions and keep the suicidal thoughts away. But on the other hand, I now tend to be pretty flat emotionally, physically, and intellectually. If you thought I was a pretty quiet person before, you should try to talk to me now. Sigh.Whatever the medication does to calm those parts of my brain that have been mis-firing also seems to slow down or even stop some of the normal processes. In a way it's disturbing and makes me feel like I'm not really myself, especially when I flake on things I would normally be very responsible about. But then there is the upside of feeling calmer and at peace most of the time.
Which do I want more: feeling balanced and peaceful, or feeling that I'm not fully in control of my own mind but full of thoughts, ideas, and opinions? At this point, I honestly don't know. I don't know if my family prefers this version of me, or if I would be more interesting if I wasn't on medication. It's been one heck of a year and I'm just happy to have had the chance to slow down, heal, and find my balance again, and I definitely think the antidepressants have helped me get there. Because I also tend to get down during the winter months I'll stick with the medication for awhile longer. I have hope of leaving it behind one of these days and still having a measure of peace and calm while also getting back to being a normal thinking, feeling human being. That's not too much to ask for, is it?