Tuesday, February 14, 2012


My mind is eerily quiet these days. It's unnerving at times, but also somewhat peaceful. I've traded racing thoughts and sometimes profound insights for a silence that makes me wonder if I've gone brain dead or if I'm just readjusting to life and enjoying a period of calm.

My journey lately has focused on regaining my mental and physical health and I'm curious to see where it takes me. I've been on wellbutrin now for about 6 weeks and it has made a huge difference. I have so much more energy than before and I wake up feeling happy and optimistic again. (I am normally a cheerful person in the morning.) Not only do I not feel depressed any more, I now feel calmer and more balanced.

This has really helped with the other phase of improving my well-being: the health challenge. It feels good to be in control of my body, to not be giving in to emotional eating and being far more careful about what I'm putting into my body. Every time I make a good choice for my body I feel smarter, stronger, and more confident.

I suppose it's asking too much to see weight loss also. This part is really discouraging me. I am eating less, eating almost no junk food, exercising 6 days a week, not eating after 8pm, not eating sugary treats or desserts- basically everything we've always been told we should do... and I'm not losing weight. I've been doing this for at least 4 weeks now and have lost a grand total of 3-5 pounds (which doesn't even stay constant.) What else can I do?? I'm trying to tell myself that I really do want to keep living a more healthy lifestyle and that I feel better when I eat better, but honestly, in the back of my mind I've got this little devil saying "What's the point? You weigh the same either way. Your health is good, you have perfect cholesterol and blood pressure... why not just go back to eating the "good" stuff and learn to accept your body the way it is?" NOT HELPFUL!! It's a daily battle to fight these thoughts and tell myself that it will be worth it in the end.

I've also been reading Dr.Phil's book "The Ultimate Weight Solution" which has some really good points like "food is not a fix-it-all" or "...your interpretation-the meaning you assign to a situation- is what triggers your emotional response, as opposed to the event that has actually taken place. Your emotions flow from the meaning you attach to situations." I'm hoping to gain some insights into why I'm not losing weight but the book will be worth it either way.

Now onto Valentine's Day. Wanna know my take on this "holiday?" I think it's something that was created solely for Hallmark and florists. I am terribly unromantic (the practical side of me wins every time) so I'm not impressed by flowers that will wilt, die, and stink after a week, or candy that's going to taste good for a moment but will send the scale in the wrong direction. (Is it love to try to make your significant other fat??! They're supposed to be significant in your heart, not in size!)
I know this is an important day for many ladies out there, but I just can't get into the spirit of it. I would rather have someone show me love in a thousand little ways over the course of a year than get a dozen roses and a mushy card that someone else wrote one day in February. I guess you can call me the Valentine Scrooge. But I can guarantee that it meant more to me that my hubby got up and did the dishes last night without being asked than it would for him to walk in the door with roses and candy tonight.
And when did it become a holiday for women?? Have you noticed that everyone expects men to treat women special on Valentine's Day but there's hardly a mention of ladies doing something for their men. I know women are more naturally inclined to do special things on a regular basis, and some guys need a nudge in that direction... but is it fair to assume that of all men? I think there are a lot of really good guys out there who don't get enough credit for what they already do- don't they deserve to be taken to dinner also?

Okay, so maybe my mind isn't completely thought-less lately. I'm just not thinking of anything particularly profound or inspiring! But I'm enjoying life again, trying hard to stay motivated to take care of myself, enjoying every opportunity I have to do something nice for someone else, and occasionally ranting on silly topics like Valentine's Day. That's just the way I roll. :)


Mama D said...

I like the way you roll!

I am so happy that you are feeling more confident and at peace.

Continue to fight the feelings that it's not paying off to treat your body the right way. It's not just about the weight; it's about how you feel. To me, that signals huge success for you, regardless of what the scale says!

heather said...

Patty, I am in exactly the same boat. I have made really really big changes in my eating and exercised way more than I ever have and only lost maybe 4 pounds--depending on the time of day I check :) I am having the same mental battle about whether its worth all this work if I'm not going to see any big results.I do feel better but when I'm tired and hungry a piece of chocolate may make me feel better too :) Hang in there and know you aren't alone.