Twenty-one years ago I gave a child up for adoption. For those twenty-one years I've had a hole somewhere in the very core of my being. It doesn't matter that it was the right decision, or really the only one I could have made in that situation. It still hurt like nothing I've ever experienced. Although I learned to move on with my life and find joy and contentment, the ache and the emptiness have always been there under the surface. Something has always been missing. I've thought about her and wondered where she was, how she was doing, did she feel loved, does she ever wonder about me? I've tried searching for her at times but had no luck. Somehow it never felt like quite the right time. Until last week.
I had been praying lately that I would be able to find her and know that she was okay. I prayed that she would be ready to hear from me.
Imagine my elation then, at finding this child on facebook (of all places!) She is healthy, happy, and doing well. So far we've only been able to chat a little on facebook, but my hope is that we'll be able to talk on the phone or via skype sometime soon. Even if she decides that she wants minimal or no contact in the future, I have the relief of knowing that she's okay. For the first time in twenty-one years I can feel that deep ache subsiding and the emptiness filling in at the edges.
Does this mean that I'll suddenly be whole again, or become some incredible, amazing person? That seems unlikely. There were many other factors that also played a part in making me who I am today. But I think I will experience more healing as I follow this road. My dear husband is worried that I'll be hurt in this process, but nothing can hurt as much as letting a child go. And with God by my side, I'll be all right. After all, look at how much he's done with me already!
Now my challenge is to not let my enthusiasm scare her off! After all, there are so many things I want to know. So many questions to ask, so much time to catch up on. But I also realize that it's going to be awkward and that she may not be as ready for this as I am. So I'll try to take it slow and enjoy the chance I've been given.