I often wonder when I'll ever feel like I'm good enough. I'm not even sure what constitutes "good enough" but I know that I don't feel like I'm there.
It's strange to me how I can go through such incredible growth experiences and have to do new and scary things and see some success in them, but then quickly revert back to the young woman I was at 18, huddled on a bathroom floor crying from the emptiness within.
It's not like I don't recognize that I have worth in God's eyes, but somehow that knowledge has infiltrated my mind and not my soul. I know that I'm of enough worth to God that I shouldn't be treated like crap. I also recognize that I have some potential within me, but I honestly don't see where I'm of any real use to Him or to anyone else on this world. If I wasn't here, someone else would have taken my place and life would still be going on the way it is.
I'm not digging for compliments or reassurances from friends and family with this statement. I know that to some of you I've made a difference and that many of you love me. The problem is that I just don't have that inner conviction that I matter. I can see how I have grown, matured, and become a better person, but I still have no sense of what my purpose is on this earth. Surely it's more than being a good housekeeper and a decent wife and mother?
There have been times in my life when I've glimpsed what it feels like to really know I'm of worth. Unfortunately, most of those times it still came down to being of use to someone for a specific reason. Outside of being "useful" I don't feel any sense of self-worth. And I really don't know how to "fix" that. I've studied the scriptures, prayed, served, and accepted challenges to grow. Each experience has helped me feel better about myself during the moment. But it never lasts. It's like I start over fresh with each new challenge. I'm still just as scared, just as insecure, just as frightened of making a mistake, and wanting nothing more than to hide back in my shell again.
There's no point trying to trace the cause of this problem. Placing blame or living with regrets doesn't help. I accept that whatever happened in the past, including the many bad choices I made, this is the result. But what I want to know is- when and how do I feel that sense of worth that I long for? Is this to be my "thorn in the flesh" for as long as I live? Will I never be able to truly feel worthwhile and loved?
The answer is: I don't know. What I do know is that I trust God enough to keep taking one day at a time and I believe in Him enough to push myself out of my shell and continue becoming the woman I think He wants me to be. I know that He doesn't want me to feel like this, and that thought alone gives me comfort.