Wednesday, October 27, 2010
"Issues" and Repairs
We all have "issues" and I'm definitely not immune. I don't want to go into any details about my upbringing or try to blame my parents or anyone else for the things I deal with on a regular basis. I'm sure my basic personality and personal choices have had as much an impact on my mental health as any of that did anyways.
Some of my "issues" are:
I have an almost insatiable need for approval from others. I can't stand feeling like I've let someone down or that I haven't done good enough. I will give most things my very best effort in the hopes that someone, anyone, will notice and approve. What's funny about this, is that with many things I really don't care what others think (the way I look or dress, what I believe, etc.) but with many other things I constantly feel insecure about my abilities and crave reassurance. It often makes me feel like a child who can't/doesn't want to do things on my own and is scared of failing.
I never really got to figure out who I was before I became a wife and mother. I've literally been married since I was 18 years old and I don't know who I am outside of that role. I'm still learning to figure out what I really enjoy and what's really important to me. My life wouldn't be what it is today if I hadn't taken the route I did so I try not to regret, but sometimes I wonder who I could have become.
I have a very hard time asking for help. It doesn't matter if it's something as simple as asking my husband to do the dishes because I'm sick, or asking a friend to help me with a project- I hate asking for help. I don't like feeling helpless, incompetent and needy. I will literally make myself ill by continuing to do everything myself rather than admit that I can't do it and actually ask for help. I know it must drive David crazy because I will complain about not getting any help from him while still refusing to ask for it. (And men love to be asked!)
I still keep most things to myself. I don't open up to hardly anyone. Which seems almost false on the face of it, since I freely share so much on my blog, but I still hold a lot of my feelings deep inside. Especially painful feelings. I don't want to admit that I'm hurting and I certainly don't want to be vulnerable. It takes a very patient, persistent, and perceptive friend to get me to confide.
Who doesn't want to feel needed, wanted, accepted and loved? I think these are all basic desires that everyone has. It's only when they aren't met that we run into serious "issues." Unfortunately for us, no one has the perfect family when growing up or as an adult, or even when we have a family of our own. We're all broken, just to varying degrees and in different ways.
It gives me hope, though, to know that we DO have a perfect Heavenly Father. He loves us unconditionally (whether we believe it or not at this point.) He will never let us down, abandon or abuse us, criticize us or condemn us unjustly. He is always listening, waiting for us to turn to Him for fatherly advice and help. He wants what is best for us and loves us even when we don't make the right choices or turn out the way He wanted us to. He has no "issues" of His own to impose on us and to thwart our progress. He is perfect and He loves perfectly. We only have to trust Him and open ourselves to that love. He can heal us, no matter how badly we've been damaged or broken.
I may still be being put back together again, but I can look back and see the cracks that He's filled, the pieces He's glued back on and the missing parts He's replaced. It's okay to be a "work in progress" as long as it's the Master that's in charge of the repairs.