Wednesday, May 28, 2008

17 years 10 months

It's hard to believe, but it's been 17 years 10 months since I gave my first daughter up for adoption. It's strange to think that she's now older than I was when I had her. Sometimes I wonder what she's like and how her life has turned out so far.
My husband keeps prodding me to get a letter written so that she can contact me if she wants to when she turns 18. I guess I'm going to need to take the time soon to sit down and get it done. I don't know why I've been procrastinating on this. I think I'm pretty well comfortable with the idea of being contacted.
I guess part of me is still afraid she's going to hate me, or that it will be really uncomfortable and strange talking to her. I'm not even sure she would want to contact me, and maybe it's the thought that I could write the letter and never hear anything back that keeps me from doing it. I'm not sure. For many years I worried that if that day came I'd be so embarrassed and ashamed because I wouldn't want anyone to know. I am so thankful for all of you who have been so accepting and supportive of me, because that's no longer a concern. And I think that was the biggest hurdle to overcome. So now I need to just buckle down and get this letter written.
This also made me think about how I've now been in Relief Society for about 18 years. I've been a part of Relief Society since I was 16 1/2, which would probably be most YW nightmare. But to me Relief Society is comfortable. My Bishop when I was 16 and pregnant made the decision to put me into Relief Society rather than keep me in Young Women. I heard years later that he felt bad about that. I really wish I could tell him what an incredible blessing it has been to me. Heavenly Father knew where I needed to be and how it would all work out. Some day I hope to shake that Bishop's hand again and thank him for following the spirit on such a difficult decision.
And someday I hope I hear from my first daughter. I want her to know that she was, and is, loved. And that she has a half-sister. And so many other things.
Don't worry- you'll all be some of the first to know if she does contact me!

9 comments:

Louann and Bari said...

What can I say? You are the most wonderful mother and friend. Your daughter would benefit by knowing you and your family. Either way, you are the BEST! Now, get crackin' and get that letter written!

Erin said...

Maybe you could attach a list of references to go with your letter? She could call all those people first. We'd all vouch for your innate fabulous nature. :) Love to you, and good luck!

ANTSYLLI said...

Fear of the unknown keeps us from doing so many worthwhile things. I can't imagine anyone not wanting to know about their mother. I hope you write that letter soon. You are a wonderful, loving and selfless woman. Your courageous action in giving your daughter to another shows that even at a young age you possessed these attributes. Always remember that it is much better to reach out and risk rejection, than to hold back and guarantee no response. You are awesome and I feel honored to be counted as your friend.

Jeanna said...

Patty,

We don't know eachother. I was semi-bored just now, flitting from blog to blog. I was on my SIL Abbey Nichols blog and clicked on yours. I hope you don't think I'm a major weirdo for commenting, but I just had to.

My hubby (schuy's bro) and I are seriously considering adoption. After having 2 kids we are unable to have more. I think a lot about the children, what their stories are, where they came from, what the circumstances are/will be of the child/ren we welcome into our home.

If I was the adoptive mother, I would be proud and honored that my child came from such an obviously loving birth mother who, through a terrifying pregnancy at 16, made an amazing decision.

I cannot imagine this being an easy task, but what a blessing for you and your family to be able to reunite with your first daughter.

I guess I just wanted to say, I honor you. I wish you all the best.

Jeanna N.

(wwqueen blog on abbey's site)

Shayleen Lunt said...

Wow! What an exciting time. I'll be praying for the best!

cassie said...

Like Nike says, just do it. I personally would be so excited if I was in her shoes. And since she has your blood running threw her she probly just as nervous as you are wouldn't we all be.

Mama D said...

What neat comments!

I think she is likely as nervous and unsure about the unknown as you are. Writing the letter lets her know you remember her, you wish her the best, and you love her. Give her the opportunity to contact you if she decides to do so.

I'm glad that RS has been such a wonderful blessing in your life! You are an amazing woman and I am a better person for knowing you. Thanks for your example.

chelle said...

I am in sort of similar situation. Except I am the child and just recently, within the last 1 1/2 yrs have had contact with my biologivcal dad. He has had a very rough life and done a lot of bad things, that in the beginning I over looked. Now I am struggling with those issues and whether or not I want them in my families life.
So, I know you have done some things you aren't so proud of. But, look where you are now!! You are an amazign woman who has overcome so much (my dad is 60+ and still hasn't overcome many of his issues) You are an inspiration to us all. And if your daughter does decide to come into your life, I wish you both the best. It seems to me you made the best decision 18 yrs ago for the both of you. WHat has happened since was out of your control. It is all in HF hands and what is meant to be will be.
Now get to writing the letter! :D

Papa D said...

Crap, Patty, you made me cry.

Seriously, you still have a responsibility as her mother at least to attempt to allow her the chance to be part of your life. It's her choice, but you owe her the ability to make that choice for herself without having to make the choice by herself. (I hope that makes sense.)

If she really gets to know you, she will come to love you. That's obvious to all of us who do know and love you.