It's hard to believe, but it's been 17 years 10 months since I gave my first daughter up for adoption. It's strange to think that she's now older than I was when I had her. Sometimes I wonder what she's like and how her life has turned out so far.
My husband keeps prodding me to get a letter written so that she can contact me if she wants to when she turns 18. I guess I'm going to need to take the time soon to sit down and get it done. I don't know why I've been procrastinating on this. I think I'm pretty well comfortable with the idea of being contacted.
I guess part of me is still afraid she's going to hate me, or that it will be really uncomfortable and strange talking to her. I'm not even sure she would want to contact me, and maybe it's the thought that I could write the letter and never hear anything back that keeps me from doing it. I'm not sure. For many years I worried that if that day came I'd be so embarrassed and ashamed because I wouldn't want anyone to know. I am so thankful for all of you who have been so accepting and supportive of me, because that's no longer a concern. And I think that was the biggest hurdle to overcome. So now I need to just buckle down and get this letter written.
This also made me think about how I've now been in Relief Society for about 18 years. I've been a part of Relief Society since I was 16 1/2, which would probably be most YW nightmare. But to me Relief Society is comfortable. My Bishop when I was 16 and pregnant made the decision to put me into Relief Society rather than keep me in Young Women. I heard years later that he felt bad about that. I really wish I could tell him what an incredible blessing it has been to me. Heavenly Father knew where I needed to be and how it would all work out. Some day I hope to shake that Bishop's hand again and thank him for following the spirit on such a difficult decision.
And someday I hope I hear from my first daughter. I want her to know that she was, and is, loved. And that she has a half-sister. And so many other things.
Don't worry- you'll all be some of the first to know if she does contact me!