Monday, April 28, 2008

The wolves are at my door

Some days I truly feel like a child who was raised by wolves and now has to adjust to living with humans. I'm very aware of my limitations on interacting with other people and that I'm probably not the most approachable person around. This is something that I still struggle with on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. Some days are better than others.
What really hurts, though, is the thought that God put me in a position where I'm expected to talk to everyone and be good at conversations and be the type of person people can come to with concerns. I know He gives us many opportunities to learn and grow, and sometimes even to fail. I'm worried that this might be one of those. I didn't ask for this calling. I don't think I'm qualified for it right now and I have serious doubts that I ever will be. I'm willing to keep going only because I believe that this is supposed to be a learning experience and there's some reason unknown to me for me being here at this time. But my journey out of social anxiety has been so slow and I've often been pushing myself to accomplish even tiny steps that I wonder what part I can play in God's plan for this ward, especially in Relief Society.
Sometimes I'm ready to go back to the cave with the wolves and give up trying to be something I'm not.


Leslie said...

Oh, how I love you, Patty! I think I sometimes forget how hard this has been for you, because you make it look so easy! You are doing fabulously well. I truly believe that your experiences have created within you a deep compassion for the trials of others, as well as an amazing ability to see to the heart of situations and people. Thank you for your example to me!

And, I think it's o.k. to cuddle up with the wolves now and then, so long as you always come back to us! We love you!

chelle said...

Patty, I think you have all of these skills your calling requies and this is HF's way of showing you that it is ok to let them out. Even though it feels safer to lay in the cave with the wolves.
I feel your pain though. I too suffer from a lot of the anxieties that you face. I have felt the same way MANY times in primary. Especially when I have to conduct or do Sharing Time. I can honestly say that it has gotten easier to do those things. But, as you feel, I feel like I am faking it. I am not a great speaker, leader or teacher. But I try my best one Sun and then try my best again the next Sun. I have to conduct/teach. That is all that He asks from us.
I am not in RS, but from afar I have seen you grow so much in the short time you have been in there. You are an amazing woman. Our ward is blessed to have you serving us.
Would the budget allow for the purchase of fang teeth for everyone? Then we could all be the wolves and we all could feel secure with each other. I fear all too many of us feel all too alone amongst those that really love us most. =\ We truley do love you Patty and all of your efforts in our behalf!

cassie said...

I know exactly how you feel. Whatever you are doing is working even if you don't feel like it is.

Mama D said...

Your serious doubts and fears of not being qualified for your calling are what lay the foundation for your humility and faith which make you so endearing to the sisters you serve! We love you. We don't expect perfection from you, because then we'd have to expect it from ourselves. :) We just want you to do the best you can to share the Savior's love with us.

Some days the wolves are at the door for all of us. Thanks for sharing. It helps to know that we can all face these moments and make it through them!

Papa D said...

"What really hurts, though, is the thought that God put me in a position where I'm expected to talk to everyone and be good at conversations and be the type of person people can come to with concerns."

What about if you look at it as God giving you the opportunity to talk to more people than you normally would, learn to be a little better at conversations and gradually, someday, become the type of person people can come to with concerns? Fwiw, you might still have a ways to go with the first two, but I think you are FAR more advanced in the last process than you realize.

I definitely know that you are loved and admired by the women in RS - and others who understand, even if not fully, your struggles and your heart.

Sojourner said...

Hi Patty, I came over from papa d's blog. I just wanted to say that when God has called us to serve in a particular area he will give us the ability to fullfill the task. If you are feeling unprepared that leaves more room for Him to fill the lack. That is what will keep you humble in the task because you will know for sure that it is through His power that you are able to fullfull the call and not by your personal abilities.