I Believe In Christ

Life

2012-01-25T21:46:00.003-05:00

It's almost 10pm and I really should be heading to bed. After all, I need to be up around 5:50 tomorrow morning. And going to bed would mean that I can ignore feeling hungry. You see, I started a "health challenge" two weeks ago, (you earn points for each healthy behavior you do for each day) and one of the rules is that you can't eat after 8pm. Sigh. You know how the munchies hit around 9-9:30 as you're finally unwinding from a long day? I no longer have the comfort of food to bring on the happy sleep coma. But... I feel better. Not only am I no longer snacking late at night, but I'm not snacking on junk food at all. No more cookies, cake, muffins, (can you tell I love baked goods??!), chips, chex mix, etc. Now it's ants on a log, baby carrots, applesauce, apples, bananas, and sometimes some granola/nut mix or a granola/protein bar. (Very few of the latter... they're too high calorie!)
It's been an interesting journey so far, and I'm only two weeks in. I've already learned some important lessons:
a) It's okay to feel hungry. Really. I'm not going to starve to death (no laughing, please.) What I feel is nothing compared to what many people experience as a daily fact of life, and they don't have the comfort of having a fully stocked pantry downstairs.
b) Food can't make my hurts go away. I now have to come closer to facing the reasons I overeat. Often it's been because of boredom and easy access to delicious foods. But I also eat when I'm stressed, tired, or wanting to reward myself. One of my favorite pinterest sayings is "You are not a dog. Do not reward yourself with food." So true.
c) It's really hard to deny yourself all the goodies in the house when everyone else is eating them around you. BUT... after two weeks it's getting much easier. I can stop and think it through.. Is that particular junk food worth losing a point? Is it going to make me healthier? Do I really want to put that into my body, or do I love myself enough to "just say no?"
d) Drinking 64+ ounces of water everyday means a lot of trips to the bathroom. I'm learning to get more of it in earlier in the day so hopefully the 4am call of nature will soon be a thing of the past.
e) Vigorous exercise is a lot different than comfortably plodding along on the elliptical. The "walking" video I bought is getting me moving a lot faster than I normally do. (Boosted walking is just another way of saying JOGGING.) You know how in nature some animals are built for speed and some aren't (think cheetah and hippo)? Well, I'm not the type that's built for speed. Never have been, don't think I ever will be. But I'm giving it my best shot, and it feels good to be challenged.
f) I feel good every time I practice self control. Whether it's saying "no" to unhealthy foods or saying "yes" to 45 minutes of exercise every day, I feel empowered and in control of my body and appetites. And I don't feel nearly as guilty when I enjoy some goodies on my "free" day (one day a week when the rules don't apply.) I've also learned that too much junk food on the free day only equals a tummyache, not complete and utter satisfaction.

I'm not sure I would have taken on this challenge even a month ago. Fortunately, I finally gave in and talked to my doctor and was prescribed wellbutrin for depression/seasonal affective disorder. Honestly, I don't know if it's just the seasonal blues or the depression that's been building over the past year, but it feels good to be interested in life again. My energy level is still lower than it should be, but I feel a lot more hopeful and engaged in life. And this is at the lowest dose! (My doctor just upped the dose today, but that also doubles the cost... so we'll see how long I can keep it up. Darn high deductible health insurance with no prescription coverage.)
So that's where my life is today. I'm tackling my food issues, depression, and some personal stress but at least I'm facing it head on. That feels good. I'm going to give myself a pat on the back. And then I'm going to bed. :)

Feeling Like an Outsider (Again)

2012-01-09T08:35:00.004-05:00

Do you ever feel like you don't belong? Does it seem like you're always on the fringe of fitting in but never quite part of the group? Do you ever think that there's no one out there who really wants to be around you?
I do.
A lot lately.
And it stinks.
I went from feeling like I was a real part of a group, as if I finally "fit in" somewhere, to feeling as if it was all just an illusion (or maybe delusion?)
I know part of this is my fault. I had been arrogant in thinking that I had been completely healed of social anxiety disorder. I should have realized that the ability to push myself so far out of my comfort zone was a temporary blessing that was needed while I served in such a visible role. Unfortunately, as soon as I was given a new challenge all of my energy went to overcoming that and I no longer made as much of an effort to reach out to others. It doesn't help that the one place I always counted on to be around the people I know (church) is now a place where I have so little interaction with any of the adults that it adds to the feeling of isolation. Don't get me wrong- I love being with the children, but I miss having the built-in opportunity to visit with friends and meet new people. It's almost impossible to get to know someone in the 10 minutes before church starts- and after that all of my time is spent with the children.
I still try toget together with some of the people I think might like me. But there have been many invitations made for game nights, and 99% were turned down. We no longer have "friends" coming over to spend an evening with us. (With the exception of the Smiths. I don't want to dismiss their much needed and appreciated friendship.)
This leaves me wondering if it's me. I know I suck as a friend. I'm not very outgoing or lively. I don't want/need constant contact so I don't want to talk on the phone every day or hang out for hours on end a couple times a week. (This doesn't mean that I don't want any contact though. I enjoy conversations with friends and getting together to do things or just to visit.) I don't do scrapbooking or crafts, and I feel awkward going to playgroup when I have no young children and don't really relate to the life stage that the other ladies are at. I just don't fit in. Which is okay if you still feel accepted and wanted. But I don't any more.
What makes it worse is that I hate whining. I hate feeling sorry for myself. So most days I just try to stay busy and not think about it. Other times, I make the effort to try to reach out again.
Unfortunately, no matter how much I hate feeling sorry for myself, those feelings are real. I can't pretend that I'm not hurt when I hear about other people being invited over for games, celebrations, dinners, etc. and no one ever invites my family. (*Note: Not to be rude, but please don't suddenly invite us over because you feel sorry for us or because you think you should be charitable. If you didn't want us over before, don't invite us now.)
I know that I need to make the effort to reach out to others again. One of our family goals is to have game nights on a regular basis again. I want to get better at being social. I'll go to every activity offered and push myself to keep trying. Maybe this year will have miraculous results and we'll find a core group of friends who want to get together with us. Or maybe we'll continue living on the fringes. Either way, I've got to do my part to try.

If anyone has ever wanted to join us for a game night but hasn't been able to- let me know. Or if you've come over before but haven't made it back again and would like to- let me know. I'd be happy to have the company. And if you're not interested in being my friend but can relate to how I feel- at least we know we're not alone.

Christ Crucified Mortality

2011-12-31T07:00:00.000-05:00

It hit me the other day as I was taking the Sacrament- Jesus Christ not only took upon Himself all of the sins and heartaches of this world, but as He died upon the cross He took mortality and crucified it also.

Without Christ mortality would be the only hope we'd have. All of the physical and emotional pain that comes from this life would be our legacy. We would never be able to rise above our bodies.

We're all aware that Jesus made it possible for us to be forgiven of our sins, but have we realized that because He became mortal and then died on the cross, He has made it possible for us to overcome all of the physical limitations of mortality also? Every ache and pain, every physical deformity or affliction will be swallowed up, never to be thrust upon us again.

He became mortality and then killed it on the cross so that we have become eternal creatures, with the hope of resurrection in a perfect body. No longer are we bound by our bodies to a life of sin, pain, and sorrow. Jesus Christ experienced every physical pain I have had or ever will have, and He died on the cross to make sure that my one experience with mortality will be the end of that pain. That gives me a lot of comfort as I deal with pain on an almost daily basis.

What We've Been Up To Lately

2011-12-29T10:00:00.000-05:00

I had been in quite a funk over the past couple of months and my lack of blogging reflects that. But I've also been very busy and sometimes it has left little room for contemplation and ideas to share on here.

For Thanksgiving we drove to North Carolina and spent it with David's family. It was a really long drive, but well worth it to spend most of a week with his parents, sister and brother-in-law, nieces and nephew. It also gave Aimee a chance to spend some time with her long distance boyfriend, Tyler. He lives in Williamsburg so we were able to pick him up on our way there. I think the best part of the visit had to be when we gathered around the table to play some games. It's amazing how much fun we all had!

Unfortunately, right after our trip David and Aimee both came down with the flu and were sick for over a week. After a doctor's visit and some antibiotics they both recovered and Aimee headed back to school and worked hard to get caught up.

Aimee has also been busy submitting college applications. She's applied to BYU Idaho, VCU (Virginia Commonwealth University... specifically to their art program), Miami University Hamilton, and Southern Virginia University. So far she's gotten a prelimary acceptance to Miami Hamilton and an offer of a $9000 per year scholarship for SVU. I guess we'll see what the actual offers are when we've gotten the FAFSA filled out, but we're all excited and hopeful for her.

David is getting ready to go in for shoulder surgery on Friday. We won't know until the surgeon is in there whether it will be a relatively short recovery time, or a much longer one. It will all depend on whether or not his rotator cuff actually has a tear in it or not. Obviously, we're hoping and praying that no tear is found and that he'll be able to start therapy quickly and get back to 100%. He's been in a lot of pain from this, and while I realize it's going to get worse before it gets better, at least this gives us hope that he'll be able to use that arm again! This will give me the opportunity to be his nurse again, although honestly, I've never wanted to be one and all of my experiences with him have shown me that it's not a career path I'd take!!

I've been busier than ever with the couponing, but more on the distribution side. It takes a good amount of time to get so many papers sorted and inserts divided up, but it's been a good way to help pay for college applications, senior portraits, and medical bills.

I've also had time to more reading lately, and have enjoyed quite a few good books. Top of the list would probably be the Fablehaven series. Sometimes it's nice to read a fun and easy book, and the Fablehaven series were definitely that. David has finished the series now, too, which shows just how enjoyable they were!! Right now I'm reading another Bill Bryson book- I just love his cynical and humorous descriptions.

I've also discovered pinterest (www.pinterest.com) and my family has come to look forward to the recipes I've found on there! I've tried out a lot of new stuff and thankfully it's been tasty enough that neither David nor Aimee have complained about being guinea pigs this time around. It sure makes cooking a lot more enjoyable when you get to try out new recipes, especially ones your family approves of!! One day I'd love to put together a cookbook with all the good recipes I've found- it sure would beat the 3 ring binder I'm using right now!!

Christmas was quiet but enjoyable. It was nice to be able to attend church and really feel like the focus of Christ's birthday was Christ. We did our usual non-traditional Christmas meal- homemade pizza! I love having a breadmaker- it makes it so much easier to make my own fresh dough!! We were also able to have some good friends over to sing carols that evening while the missionaries made their phone calls home. All in all, it was a really good day.

That's just a brief overview of what we've been up to lately, in case anyone was interested. :)

Why Criticize? I'm Not Perfect Either!

2011-12-28T12:55:00.004-05:00

It's so easy to complain about and criticize other people. After all, many of the people around us say and/or do things that get on our nerves or upset us. It seems that a common reaction nowadays is to respond with anger or irritation. What's ironic is that we often react to someone else doing something that we ourselves have done (often on a regular basis!)

I try not to get offended at what other people say/do. It probably helps that I have a mostly mellow personality and that I'm probably too lazy to get riled up about much. (Or maybe I just have so much else to do that it's not worth wasting my time!) I can understand why people get angry and upset- it's not like I'm oblivious to the snide remarks, rude comments, or inconsiderate gestures.

I look at it this way, though: if I can make it through an entire day without once saying or doing anything that hurts or offends someone else, then I have the right to get offended or take something personally. Except that by doing that, I have immediately made that right null and void! Instead, I try to remember that we all say/do things that we don't mean. We aren't always aware that some things may come across the wrong way. When you stop to remember that we all come from such diverse backgrounds and experiences, it's a wonder we can communicate at all!

I've also come to realize that if I say something bad about someone else, it ends up making me look worse. What's to make a friend or family member think I won't say something bad about them if I talk about others negatively? And how can I face God if the only people I'm nice to are the ones I like? Isn't learning to love the unlovable part of why we're here in the first place?

One of my goals for the New Year is to be more careful of the things I say about others. I'm not going to obsess over whether or not every little thing I say is going to offend someone else, because I can't control that, but I can make a more concerted effort to only say nice things. If I slip up, though, please forgive me.

Gratitude

2011-12-13T12:30:00.005-05:00

The New Era magazine had a great article on gratitude, but what I loved even more was the exercise it gave to help develop greater gratitude (or become more aware of what we have to be thankful for.) A good friend of mine happened to see the same article I did but mentioned it on her blog first but I'd still like to share 100 things I'm thankful for. The items are broken up into different categories.
Physical Abilities I'm Thankful For:
Hearing
Eyesight
Walking
Smelling
Sleeping
Writing
Tasting
Blinking
Touching
The Ability to Feel
Material Possessions I'm Thankful For:
Computer
House
Car
Watch
Clothes
Books
Lights
Brush
DVR
TV
Living People I'm Thankful For:
Jesus
David
Aimee
My Mom
My Sister
My Aunt Judy
The Prophet
David's Mom
David's Dad
The Mailman (have I mentioned how much I love getting mail?! lol)
Deceased People I'm Thankful For:
My Grandma
My Dad
Gordon B. Hinckley
George Washington
Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Edison
the Apostle Paul
Spencer W. Kimball
Mother Theresa
Beethoven
Things in Nature I'm Thankful For:
Trees
Rocks
Squirrels
Trails
Birds
Grass
Flowers
Caterpillars
Waterfalls
Creeks
Things About Today That I'm Thankful For:
I woke up
I was able to get out of bed
I got to take a warm shower
I had plenty to eat
I got to spend time with family
I got to visit Becky and help her
It was sunny
I got my house cleaned
I survived eating dinner (too much red pepper)
My car still runs
Places on Earth I'm Thankful For:
the Temple
Church
Home
Hocking Hills
the Sacred Grove
Mt. Airy Forest
Cincinnati
Blue Ridge Mountains
West Virginia
the United States
Modern Inventions I'm Thankful For:
lightbulbs
electricity
computers
internet
telephones
washing machines
water heaters
central heat/air
DVR
lawnmowers
Foods I'm Thankful For:
pizza
mushrooms
bread
chocolate
frosted shredded wheat cereal
apples
milk
chicken
tomatoes
steak
Things About the Gospel I'm Thankful For:
the Atonement
the Plan of Salvation
the Scriptures
Personal revelation
Testimony
the Sacrament
Sealings
the Prophet
Relief Society
the Commandments

As I did this exercise last night with my family for Family Home Evening, we all found different things to be thankful for and also realized that 100 things was just the tip of the iceberg. I am really thankful I had the opportunity to do this because I truly am grateful for everything God has blessed me with.

Weaknesses Into Strengths

2011-12-12T11:37:00.003-05:00

I've often wondered how in the world something that I perceive as a weakness could ever be anything good. But as I've thought about this and personally dealt with a situation that this would apply to, I've come to realize that the most common things that usually hold us back from having weaknesses turned to strengths are our own denial of the weakness, our inability to see it as something that can be changed, or our refusal to work with Christ to change it.

As an example, if someone is very sensitive, it can be either a strength or a weakness, depending on how they use it. To be sensitive to other people's feelings, needs, and comforts would be a tremendous blessing to others and a strength to oneself. But, if your sensitivity means that you are more apt to take offense, let minor things hurt your feelings, or that you lash out at others, the weakness not only continues to be a weakness to you, but can also weaken those around you.

It's all in how we use what we've been given. We can either turn to the Lord and seek to improve ourselves and let His atonement work to turn our weaknesses into strengths, or we can throw up our hands in defeat, use the excuse that it's just how we are, and reject the growth that the Savior wants us to experience. It's important to realize that the imperative to turn our weaknesses into strengths is not only for our own growth for also for the benefit of being a blessing in the lives of others. We're given weaknesses to keep us humble, but also to give us the opportunity of working with Christ to experience His enabling power. He truly can take our weakness and turn them into something good.

The True Spirit of Christmas

2011-12-05T13:44:00.003-05:00

It's getting harder and harder for me to get into the Christmas spirit each year. It's not that I don't like this time of year- aside from the cold, that is. Quite to the contrary- I love the Christmas season. I love having a whole month to celebrate my Savior's birth. I love the lights, decorations, and music. I love that most people feel more joy at this time of the year and even smile more.

It's all good until you add in the commercialism and excess.

It used to be that you could buy a child an inexpensive gift and they'd be thrilled. Heck, if they were young enough even a dollar store doll or truck would make their eyes light up. You also used to be able to buy something thoughtful but affordable for friends and relatives and they were sincerely grateful. Somewhere along the line, that all changed.

Now we have families who are so busy buying everything they want all throughout the year that it takes the fun out of buying for them. The kids already have every new and amazing toy, and often look down upon the simpler or less expensive ones. The adults have kept pace by buying every new and exciting gadget or upgrade that comes out. Nowadays it's not uncommon for an American family to have a cell phone for every child (usually the newest ones available), a gaming system (or two or three), laptop computers (multiple), flat screen tv's (multiple), iPods for every member of the family and iPads or tablets for the teens/adults. Then there's the clothing, dvd's, music, and other miscellaneous items that every family acquires. It all adds up to a family with so much stuff that giving them anything more seems superfluous.

I'm not saying I'm against giving gifts. I love buying something I know someone really wants and will enjoy. I've been able to buy things for my mom and other family members that they were thrilled to get. I've also been blessed to be able to buy gifts for families in need, and that's one of the best feelings in the world! I love giving. Problem is, I don't have unlimited funds and I refuse to go into debt to buy someone yet another item that's just going to be added to their already massive abundance. Why should I even try to buy something when they've been busy buying it all year long? Especially since my less than grand offering is often not even recognized with a "thank you?"

I guess maybe I'm not having a hard time getting into the true spirit of Christmas, just the spirit of "more, more, more, spend, spend, spend" that's come to symbolize Christmas in America. So if you don't get a present from me, don't assume it's because I don't love you. It's probably because you already have everything I could have thought to buy so I've taken what I would have spent on you and given it to a local foodbank or helped out someone who needed new glasses, or even gave a gift in your name to Heifer International. Like I said, I love giving. But I want it to mean something, to show that I'm celebrating the birth of my Savior by sharing His love, and not just competing to see who can buy the most expensive thing under the tree.

Charity: Christ's Love

2011-11-11T07:35:00.004-05:00

1 Corinthians 13:4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up

1 Corinthians 13:8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

1 Corinthians 13:13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

Moroni 7:46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all...

What makes charity, the pure love of Christ, so powerful that even when all other things fail or pass away, it remains? How can it be greater than faith and hope?

Charity is the driving force behind everything that Christ has done and continues to do for us. It is far beyond a simple human love- it is an all-encompassing love full of compassion, patience, kindness, mercy, and humility. It is the kind of love that can only come through sacrifice. The greater the sacrifice, the greater the charity. Jesus Christ's love for us came through His willingness to not only serve during His mortal life and sacrifice His time, energy, and power, but I think His love was perfected when He sacrificed His life for us. Had He died for just a few people, He still would have had charity, but I think that the immensity of His final sacrifice somehow perfected and completed the potential of His love.

Thus, Christ's love, known as charity, became a force that could not be restrained. We don't rely on faith and hope alone to become Christ's. It does no good to believe in Christ and have a hope of eternal life if we aren't filled with charity. True charity is what produces acceptable works. And faith without works is dead.

Charity seems to be directly related to the sacrifices we are willing to make. That's why Christ's love is larger and more powerful than anything we can ever conceive of. And if I want even a portion of the charity that I'm supposed to have, then I'm going to have to sacrifice also. I probably won't be asked to give my life for anyone, but there will be plenty of opportunities to serve and help others. And if I want a greater portion of Christ's love, then I need to be willing to sacrifice for others. The amount of charity that I will be granted will be directly related to the sacrifices I make. Every time I do something for someone else, charity will grow within me.

Even if all else in this world fails, charity will live on. The pure love of Christ is a power that fills the immensity of time and space. Jesus was the perfect example of how loving others helps you to sacrifice for them, and how sacrificing for others helps you to love them. It's all intertwined, and when we get a glimpse of what charity really is and what it can do, we are empowered to reach out and touch the lives of others. We get to experience in some small way the love that Christ has for each of us, and that glimpse can give us the faith and hope to keep going.

My Gratitude List

2011-11-07T13:38:00.004-05:00

I'm too busy (or lazy, however you'd like to look at it) this year to do a daily gratitude blog or facebook entry. But I love using November to take daily stock of the things I have to be grateful for. So although I'll be thinking of things that I'm grateful for every day, I'm just going to list a whole bunch on here all at once.

I am thankful for

A loving Heavenly Father
A merciful Savior
The gift of the Holy Ghost
The freedom to attend church every Sunday
The health that allows me to be there
The people who put in so much of their time and effort into making our Sunday meetings spiritual and worthwhile
Having the ability to read, and having my own personal copy of God's word
Having the opportunity to learn how to be a better teacher
Forgiveness
Family
My husband's love and faithfulness
My daughter
Time spent making good memories
My husband's job that provides for us
The beauty that surrounds me
Answered prayers
The example of loving and selfless people
Central heating and air conditioning
Refrigeration
Electricity
Light bulbs
Having food to eat every day, and having enough to share with others
Being able to cook
Being blessed to have been a stay-at-home mom for most of my daughter's life
Having a close relationship with my daughter
The way my favorite cat curls up next to me in bed
Good books
Understanding many things instinctively, if not always intellectually
Easy availability of information
Injuries that remind me to slow down or be more careful
Healing
Warm fronts in winter and cold fronts in summer
Clean water
Indoor plumbing
Ways to keep in touch
Letters and emails from friends and family
Christmas music
Slippers
Hearing
Eyesight
Being able to find humor in many things
Opportunities to serve others
When daylight savings time ends
Living in a free country with so many rights and privileges
The men and women who have fought to preserve our freedoms
Not having to move within the last 7 years
Being able to live somewhere that really feels like "home"
Saturday hikes with my hubby
Artists
Cool websites like blogger, pinterest, and even facebook
Technology
Having two vehicles
Energetic squirrels to entertain me as I look at my backyard
Flowers
Homegrown fruits and vegetables
Warm showers
Washing machines and dryers
Being able to walk
Being able to speak
Those times when I'm wise enough not to speak
The innocence and faith of children
The hope of eternal life
Smiles
Laughter
Getting together with good friends
Getting to know someone better
Chocolate
Trees
Having so many wonderful things that I don't even need a Christmas wish list
The anticipation of going on a trip
Being able to visit family
Coupons
Usually knowing the difference between wants and needs
When a recipe turns out perfect the first time
Mail service
Sunshine
Rain
Green grass
Modern medicines
Tolerance
Viewpoints that make me re-think my own
Recognizing that being able to listen is a gift, and that not being a "talker" isn't a negative
Becoming more comfortable with who I am
People who accept me just the way I am
Late night chats in bed with my hubby
Inside jokes
Curiosity
Being able to share my list of blessings with you!

What are you most thankful for today?

Adventures in Shopping

2011-11-07T13:26:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I haven't had any really great thoughts or insights to share lately. Life seems to be just one ordinary day after another, but I'm not complaining. Because that's truly better than day after day of drama or disaster!
I did have an interesting and fun shopping day on Friday, though. I couldn't believe how many things just fell in place. First, I went to Sam's Club to pick up a printer I had ordered (my old one died. Sad, but I'm not even missing it now that I have a wireless one!!) There was a major mixup on where the printer was, but it was finally located and the manager gave me a voucher for 2 free combos at the snack bar for our wait.
Then, when I went to pick up ground beef, the butcher comes out and tells me he's getting ready to grind some fresh, or... he can reduce what I was already putting in my cart. Since I had already picked some out (and planned to freeze it that day) I went with the discount! Whoohoo!
Next it was off to Kroger to get some free toothpaste and dental floss. They were out of toothpaste but had floss for only $.95 each. I had a coupon for $2.50 off of 2 so the store owed me money!! That was so much fun, I decided to try it at another Kroger and sure enough, they paid me to take home dental floss too! I think it threw the cashiers for a loop because the one lady told me "I've never seen that happen before!" Needless to say, seeing a total savings on my receipt of 131% was really cool!
You would think that this would have been enough fun stuff on one shopping outing, but I still had to hit Walmart. Now, to be clear, I hate Walmart. I rarely shop there, unless they have the absolute best deal or carry something I can't find somewhere else. But... things might change. Walmart doesn't double coupons, but they also don't limit items, and they also pay overages. This was great when I picked up some Tide single use packets for $.97 and used a $2.00 coupon for them. Yep- Walmart paid me to take stuff home, too!
These types of deals don't happen often for me, but when they do, it makes all the time and effort of couponing well worth it!
Oh, and did I mention that my food storage is slowly but steadily growing? I'm finally making progress on that goal!

Pretzel Bites!

2011-10-13T07:19:00.003-04:00

I have two different recipes for these- one uses the breadmaker, the other uses frozen dough.
(I used the breadmaker one... much less expensive!)

Homemade Pretzel Bites for the Bread Machine (from Allrecipes.com)

1 1/8 cup water (70 to 80 degrees F)
3 cups all-purpose flour
3 tablespoons brown sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons active dry yeast

2 quarts water
coarse salt
melted butter

1. In bread machine pan, place the first four ingredients in order suggested by manufacturer (most say to place the liquid first, yeast last.) Select dough setting (check dough after 5 minutes of mixing; add 1 to 2 tablespoons water or flour if needed.)
2. When cycle is completed, turn dough onto a lightly floured surface. Divide dough into small balls (a little less than golfball size). In a saucepan, bring water to a boil. Drop pretzels into boiling water, a few at a time, and boil for 30 seconds. Remove with a slotted spoon and place on paper towels to drain.
3. Place bites on a greased baking sheet and bake at 425 degrees for 9-11 minutes or until golden brown. Brush with melted butter and sprinkle with coarse salt.

Pretzel Bites

Texas size Rhodes frozen roll dough (each roll makes four bites)
melted butter
coarse salt
parmesan & garlic powder or cinnamon & sugar

1. Thaw rolls. Take a thawed roll and cut it in four equal pieces. Place dough bites on greased baking sheets. Cover with plastic wrap that's been sprayed with non-stick spray, and let dough rise until double in size (about 35-45 minutes.)
2. Bring a large pot of water to a gentle boil. When dough has risen, plop about 10 pieces into the boiling water, tossing gently for about 30-45 seconds. Remove with a slotted spoon and place on paper towels to drain slightly.
3. Place bites on greased baking sheets and bake at 375 degrees for about 15 minutes or until golden brown.
4. Brush with melted butter, sprinkle with coarse salt or toss them in a mixture of salt, parmesan and garlic powder or cinnamon and sugar.

Mercy For Those Who Don't Deserve It

2011-10-10T08:34:00.004-04:00

Do you ever wonder how many people in our justice system are there in part (or wholly) because of mental illness or addictions? Would they have made the choices they made if they weren't dealing with schizophrenia, depression, bipolar disorder, mental illness stemming from sexual or physical abuse, or addiction to alcohol or drugs? Even scarier... would we have made some of the same choices they did if we had been in their situation?

It's so easy to condemn those who are in prison and to be grateful that justice is being served. After all, they deserve to be punished, right? I'd have to agree that in most cases, a punishment does need to be administered and a price has to be paid for their crimes. But I think we need to show more mercy and make sure that what we are condemning is the crime and not the person.

Imagine if Jesus came back to earth today. Do you think he'd spend his time with world leaders and other "important" people? I don't. In fact, after He visits his faithful sheep, I think we'd find him in some unexpected places- including ghettos, jails, and mental hospitals. He would go to those in need of healing.

Which made me think: if Jesus healed all prisoners of the mental illnesses that hold them back, how many would gratefully repent and turn away from their bad choices? I can picture many of them falling to their knees and weeping at Jesus' feet for the peace and healing He brought to them, afraid to look Him in the eye because of the shame of what they've done or been. How many of these souls have had no real inclination of the love of God in their life? And what kind of difference would it make in their life to finally know it? Sure, there would also be plenty whose hearts would be hardened and would be impenitent, just as there are plenty of "normal" people who reject Jesus.

I think it would be incredible to see everyone given a fair chance to accept salvation. For those who have had serious mental illness, addiction, or abuse to have their stumbling blocks removed and be able to see and feel clearly would be a miracle I'd love to witness.

I'm not saying that Jesus would come down and heal these folks and release them from their punishment. After all, a price has to be paid. But maybe their sentences would be reduced, or community service would be proscribed. I think it would be great to see them have the opportunity to fully apply their gift of agency. They could still choose to follow the path they've been on, but they would also have the choice and the ability to choose a higher road.

Because we're human, all that we can do is apply justice to these people. If someone breaks a law, we have to punish them. This is part of how society continues to function. Jesus isn't here to plead for them right now so we can only go by what we witness and hear. But one day, perfect justice will meet perfect mercy. Healing will occur, repentance will be granted, and if they grasp the opportunity to repent they will be forgiven and offered a chance to become all they weren't able to in this life.

To Jesus the worth of every soul is great. Not just His faithful, not just the productive, smart, well educated, competent ones. It's hard to comprehend a love that encompasses murderers, rapists, child abusers, drug dealers and addicts, but that's exactly what Jesus' love does. He looks at a person and sees past the labels, the appearance and actions- He sees what's inside. So when I think of people who society shuns (and sometimes rightfully so) I can't help but think that they, too, are one of God's children and He loves them just as much as He loves me. And if He loves them, shouldn't I? After all, aren't they my neighbor also?

God's Ways Vs. Our Ways

2011-10-05T08:00:00.000-04:00

God's ways are not our ways. Many of the things that God teaches seem to go against human nature. Here are a few examples:

Forgive others.
Human nature often prickles at the thought of letting someone "get away" with an offense. Our first reaction is often to desire revenge. But God teaches us to forgive those who have hurt or used us. It's not for their benefit, but for ours. Holding onto that pain or anger gives that other person a power over us and harms our spirit.

Lose your life in service to others.
In our day and age, it's hard to think that we can still pay bills, take care of our families, and have a little time to our self if we spend some of our time doing things for others. We think we really "lose" ourselves. But when we take the time to serve others, we suddenly find that there is more to our life than what we had previously recognized. We might have thought our life was full before, but in serving others we find that it takes on new and fulfilling dimensions. It puts things in perspective and helps us realize that only when we are "lost" in service can we ever truly "find" our self.

Love the Lord thy God, and love thy neighbor as thyself.
Is any human immune to the desire to put themselves above others? I don't think I've ever met any. It's in our nature to love ourselves and to not be as concerned about others. In fact, in our society there seems to be a definite trend to focus on "me, me, me" all the time. Take time to figure out who you are, leave a marriage if it isn't worthwhile to you, don't bother having children because they'll take time away from what you want, push and shove your way over others to get what you want... the list can go on and on. But we miss out on life's most important and fulfilling blessings when we focus on our self. When we put God and others first, we find our proper position in this great universe.

The wealth of this world is nothing. (Build your treasure in heaven.)
It's human to want to have nice things in this life, to want comfort, ease, security, and fun. We work and worry and go after the things that appeal to our carnal nature. It's easy to want to wear nice clothes, live in a beautiful house, drive a nice car, and be able to go out and do the fun things we enjoy. But God has taught us that all of this mortal "stuff" is just that- stuff. We can't take it with us. All that will matter in the end is what kind of person we became. The riches of heaven, while not readily apparent in the here and now, are of eternal value.

Keep the Sabbath Day holy. Rest on the Sabbath.
In our ultra busy way of life, it seems counter-intuitive to "waste" an entire day doing nothing but attending church, worshipping God, and serving others. Human nature says that working seven days a week should guarantee a bigger paycheck and more productivity. Too bad that's not the way it works in God's society. If we have the faith to set aside His sabbath day, to let our bodies and minds rest, to let others around us rest, and to spend time drawing closer to God, He will bless us physically, spiritually, and economically. No, I don't have hard numbers to prove this, but I know from my own experience that I have prospered and been more productive as I've followed this commandment.

Freely give to others.
If we give things away, we'll have less for ourselves. We might even become destitute! Aaaah!
Thankfully, this isn't true of Christ's teaching. Somehow, God's law in this universe makes sure that as we share what we have, we will have enough for our needs. And often, we get what we give. If we are generous and give freely, we will find that good comes back to us multiplied. When we receive anything it is from God. And when God sees that we then pass it on, He blesses us with even more because He knows that we will use it to benefit others. I think it's part of His system that another's need is supplied through what we have been blessed with. In this way, everyone can have enough and to spare.

Act on faith.
If we give in to our natural self, we'll want to see some proof that what we are going to do is going to work. We want instant (or at least measurable) results. We don't want to take steps into the dark unless we've got a flashlight in our hand. But God tells us to take those first few steps and grab His hand. He requires us to move forward, not knowing where the final destination is. We have to learn to trust in His perfect knowledge of where we should be going, even when it seems like He's sent us on a circuitous route through the most desolate lands.

Pay tithing.
The human mind says that if you give away 10% of your income, you're going to be poorer. But God's way goes against this. He somehow makes the rest of your money go farther, and often blesses you with a greater abundance. It may take sacrifice to give the initial 10% but when we look at everything we've been given, isn't 10% a really small amount to give back?

Be meek and humble.
The worldy view is that a person needs to be tough, strong, and sometimes ruthless to be powerful. Rarely is it pointed out the the gentle, quiet strength of a person can be more powerful and wield more influence than any amount of yelling, boasting, and intimidating. Picture an employer who patiently explains things to you and provides you with a good example, versus a boss who threatens your job and belittles you... which one will have the greater positive influence? Christ was the ultimate example of strength and power through meekness and humility.

Most of God's commandments are interconnected. They are all meant to bring us to a higher level than we would naturally reach on our own. He helps us overcome our human nature to become better people, and to be more like Him. It makes sense, since he's our Father... and what is more satisfying to a parent than when a child wants to be just like them? And who wouldn't want to be like our perfect Father??

Things I've Learned in Life

2011-10-04T12:05:00.004-04:00

1. Just because something is on sale, doesn't mean it's a good deal- especially if you didn't need it in the first place!
2. Some of the "cheapest" foods are the most expensive in the long run.
3. Trying to watch 8 hours of conference in one sitting is not a good idea. My attention span dwindled to nearly non-existent by hour 5.
4. Time disappears when you're on the computer.
5. Listening is active, not passive. Because it uses energy to actively listen, people who talk too much tire me. (And I haven't figured out how not to listen without being rude.)
6. It's easier to keep going than it is to take a break and then try to start back up again.
7. Most people are afraid of public speaking. (Too bad that doesn't make me feel any better about my phobia.)
8. Most of what we do is inconsequential. The exception is what we do for others.
9. Spring and fall don't last long enough.
10. There's always someone who is better than you at something, and there's always someone who is less skilled. Don't bother comparing- just do YOUR best.
11. Homemade dinners don't happen without some planning.
12. Basements leak.
13. Cats can become senile too.
14. I'm not good at reading maps but I can almost always find my way home. (So far no search parties have had to be sent out.)
15. A job is more enjoyable when it can be shared with someone you like.
16. God gives us what we need when we need it.
17. The more you have, the more you have to clean, repair, organize, and worry.
18. The best feeling is doing something for someone else because you love them.
19. The second best feeling is doing something for someone else because you know they need it, regardless of how you feel about them.
20. I still have a lot to learn.

Reminder of Someone Special

2011-09-26T21:02:00.005-04:00

This is something that an old friend posted on her blog almost four years ago. She's cut her contact with many of her friends and I just wanted to re-post this here as a reminder of her. Is anyone else missing Carrie?

I believe...

I believe - That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe - That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe - That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe - That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe - That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe - That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe - That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe - That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I believe - That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe - That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe - That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe - That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe - That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe - That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe - That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe - That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe - That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe - That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe - That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe - That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe - Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe - That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe - That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I believe - That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe - That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

Seeing Jesus in Action

2011-09-16T12:15:00.000-04:00

As most people who know me realize, I'm a very literal person. I don't get symbolism and hidden meanings easily. I tend to take things as they are and as they appear to be. This has sometimes made it hard for me to really grasp the deeper meanings of many things I read. I love to read, but I find that I generally enjoy the story without looking beyond to see any symbolism that might be intended. But I know when I read my scriptures that I HAVE to look for more than just the surface stories or I'll miss most of what Jesus was trying to teach.

For me, learning is much easier when I can do something, rather just read about it (probably partially due to my lack of understanding of symbolism.) If I read about something sometimes I can figure it out. But often I'm left feeling puzzled and unable to visualize what I've just tried to learn. That's why I love being shown how to do something. I can see it in action, which helps me grasp what I'm trying to understand. Whether it's repairing a car or appliance, putting together a craft, or learning how to make a complicated new recipe, I do better if I can see it as well as read about or hear how it's done.

I read about what Jesus did during His ministry and about how we're supposed to treat others, but without seeing that in action... I'm left a little less than enlightened. I wish I could say that charity, selflessness and service come naturally to me so that I could read about those things and automatically connect, but I find myself woefully ignorant and cringing at my own obliviousness to others' needs. This would be a big problem in my life as I study Jesus' teachings if it weren't for the fact that I am blessed to see His teachings in action almost every day.

I am so thankful for the good people all around me who show me the deeper meaning behind Jesus' teachings through their own actions. I see Jesus in action every time I hear loving words spoken in kindness, when I witness helping hands being offered to those who are in need, when I see friends comforting one another, and even when I'm given a hug. So many times and in so many ways, I've been able to get a first-hand lesson on what Jesus really meant when He taught to love God and love others. All it takes is opening my eyes to see the little miracles that are wrought daily by those who are living as Christ did.

In this day and age, it often appears as if the world is lost, that things are hopeless, and all is doom and gloom, but all it takes is a conscious effort to notice the good around you to realize that God is still in control, because of Jesus Christ we still have hope, and there are a lot of really good people who want to love and help others. Look around and I'm pretty certain you'll see Jesus in action, too.

Laws, Punishment, Mercy

2011-09-04T09:17:00.004-04:00

As a mom I have a hard time setting boundaries, making rules and being consistent with consequences when those rules are broken. It took years for me to understand that rules are actually a very necessary and GOOD thing. My mindset used to be that rules were made to be broken, that conventional ideas of what we should or shouldn't do were just ideas being forced upon us to keep us from doing what we want. (Some of that likely came from my father enforcing "his" rules without ever explaining why they were necessary or valuable. I was the type of kid who needed to know that there was a valid reason for doing or not doing something.)

Thankfully I figured out how valuable rules were before my daughter hit her teen years, and have tried to teach her the value of laws, rules, and etiquette. It took some very painful lessons to understand why some rules are in existence and I didn't want my daughter to learn in the same way I did. Laws and rules are important because they give us clear parameters for our behavior, as well as easily defined boundaries of what is right and wrong. Without rules and laws, there would be chaos.

I think we can look at modern society and see that this is true. God gave us a set of laws and commandments, all of which can be wrapped up in the two greatest "love God and love your neighbor as yourself." If we use common sense and some sensitivity we can easily figure out that loving God and others means that we won't do anything to harm them- we won't cheat, steal, lie, commit adultery, kill, etc.

What's sad nowadays is that there often is no punishment for breaking civil or God's laws anymore. It often seems as though people "get away" with bad behavior and crimes. Society as a whole seems to have forgotten the value of following the very laws that help keep order. We are losing a large measure of safety and civility because there's no fear of punishment for doing what's wrong. Heck, most of society can no longer even define what is right or wrong.

The really sad part of all of this is that people don't comprehend the consequences of their actions. Most don't realize that punishments will come when they break the rules, whether they recognize those punishments or not.
In Alma 42:22 it states "But there is a law given, and a punishment affixed, and a repentance granted; which repentance, mercy claimeth; otherwise, justice claimeth the creature and executeth the law, and the law inflicteth the punishment; if not so, the works of justice would be destroyed, and God would cease to be God."

God hasn't changed his rules, and He hasn't taken away the consequences for breaking His commandments. Although our civil laws may not do much about breaking the Sabbath, committing adultery, having sex before marriage, or breaking our promises, God still holds us accountable. Unfortunately, God's punishments aren't always openly apparent. Someone who isn't familiar with the presence of the Holy Ghost in their life probably isn't going to immediately notice the absence of Him. To them, it may seem as if life just isn't going right... things aren't falling in place, confusion and unhappiness seem to be the order of the day. But they don't think to look to their own actions to see if they are the cause. God's punishment may be as simple as withholding certain blessings, which inobservant people don't even notice.

By not recognizing that what you are doing is wrong, you are denied the opportunity to take advantage of the repentance that's been granted. By renouncing the very laws that God gave, we are also preventing mercy from taking effect. After all, how can a person experience forgiveness if they don't repent? And how can they repent if they aren't even aware that they've broken a law? How can they know the laws if the laws no longer exist?

I think that's why societies always had civil laws in addition to religious laws. If everyone believed in God, followed His commandments, and felt bad when they did what was wrong, then life would be really good for the majority of the human race. But with so many differing opinions on religious laws and commandments, we needed basic civil laws to create harmony. We had to have agreement as to what constitutes right or wrong. Our civil laws used to do that.

In modern society we have tended to move in the opposite direction. There is no unity when it comes to defining right and wrong. "Old" morals have been set aside in favor of political correctness and non-discrimination. No longer are people expected to honor the vows they make, to be honest in their daily dealings, to keep the Sabbath holy, or to even live up to their commitments to their family. If there is a punishment for the breaking of the more common civilities, it's often not inflicted upon the guilty party. Without fear of punishment, people feel free (even encouraged at times) to do whatever they want. They act in their own interest with no thought of how their actions affect others, because their actions never produce any punishments.

Our society is doing a great injustice in permitting people to blatantly disregard God's laws and the basic rules our country was founded upon. Without knowledge of the laws they should be following, people are in a state of confusion and the result is chaos. They no longer have an impulse to seek God, repent, and enjoy peace in this life and eternal joy in the next. They are missing out on the whole point of their existence on this planet. Which is why it's so important that those of us who have the truth continue to live it, teach it, and share it. After all, how are they going to know if someone doesn't tell them?

Hiking Mt. Airy Forest

2011-09-01T08:06:00.003-04:00

This past weekend David and I went to Mt. Airy Forest here in Colerain. Using our "60 Hikes Within 60 Miles of Cincinnati" book, we navigated multiple trails for 4.6 miles. Most of the the hike was pleasantly challenging, until we came to the stone steps. A third of a mile of vertical climbing was intense! (No sniggers from those of you who are in much better shape- at least we're trying!! And for those who don't want a good workout when hiking... avoid the stone steps!!)

I'd love to go back and try out some of the other trails, especially since they are well marked and not very busy. The noise of traffic on I-74 was not the best background for the setting, but it also didn't ruin it.

There are plenty of trees to climb over or go around.

A nice shady portion of the trail.

The infamous stone steps (this is about halfway up.)

A view from close to the top of the stone steps. Unfortunately it drops down enough that you can't really see the rest of the steps... but they keep going!!

Hiking!

2011-08-20T21:35:00.004-04:00

Here are some pictures I took on a hike out at one of the trails that are part of Miami University's nature areas. Today's hike was a little over 4 miles and it was wonderful- quiet, shady, peaceful, plenty of variety in the scenery, and a really fun swinging bridge, too!

View of the creek from the swinging bridge.

Another view of the creek from a different spot.

Some of the woods and undergrowth.

This is a fun bridge!

David didn't like it as much, and wouldn't go across until I was all the way across and done jumping on it!!

View of the other side of the creek from the bridge.

Cool looking rock with moss.

David on the trail.

Testimony of Prayer: God and Coupons

2011-08-15T13:22:00.006-04:00

Do you ever feel totally insignificant, like you are truly just a speck of sand in the midst of an enormous beach? What difference can one little grain make? Does your life matter at all?

I've had plenty of these thoughts througout my life. In fact, I still do. Recently I was driving along and got to thinking about whether it would really matter if I was here or not. To a very small number of people... maybe. My husband and daughter would be lost without me (can you see them trying to do couponing, household finances, housekeeping, cooking, etc.??!!) and some friends would be sad for a little while. But mostly I came to the conclusion that my life is just one of so many that I don't have much hope of making a big difference at all. If I wasn't here, someone else would be doing what I do now. Simple as that.

Funny thing is, this didn't make me feel depressed or like my life isn't worthwhile. Because in the midst of these thoughts was the very real knowledge that God values my life. I may never be a great teacher, scrapbooker, public speaker, volunteer extraordinaire, or anything else that stands out, but because I'm trying to do my best to live God's commandments and follow Christ's example, my life is acceptable to God. More than acceptable, even. It's valuable.

What makes me think my life is so valuable to God? Here's what: I talk to God and let Him know my situations. He knows what I've gone through in the past, how much of it I've overcome, the issues I still carry, and where He wants me to be heading in the future. I tell Him about how I struggle to feel love for certain people and to please help me tolerate them, if not love them entirely yet. I tell Him about how worried I am about my husband's job situation. The stress, the hostile and crazy work environment, the lack of other viable job opportunities. I tell God about how I hate having debt and how I don't know how I'm going to pay for doctor's appointments, school fees, and other additional expenses because everything costs more but our pay hasn't gone up. I also usually remember to tell Him how much I love the beauty of the area I live in. I love trees and plants and looking outside and seeing so much green. I thank Him for having a house that suits our needs and where I feel safe, for my husband's employment, for my health and especially for my Savior and all He's done for me.

Some days I talk a lot to my Heavenly Father, other days it's more like a quick chat. But I know that He's always listening, because He answers my prayers. Sometimes it will be a little boost in mood, a sudden feeling of joy that I'm alive or happy because the sun is shining. Other times I'm given thoughts and feelings about how to solve a problem I'm having. Often, he helps me like someone more than I would on my own (and if I try really hard to have charity, He even helps me love them!)

Lately, though, I've had experiences that show that God is interested in even the most seemingly minute parts of my life. I've shared previously that I've gotten into couponing and how that's been helping us financially, but I haven't told of how it all came to be, and how it has been one answered prayer after another.

First, there was the couponing class, taught at church. I learned the basics and got a subscription to the newspaper and gave it a shot. (Failed miserably the first couple of tries... don't try Walgreen's right off the bat!! lol) But then I started to get the hang of it. Problem was, I needed more coupons to be able to see big savings and to work on my food storage and I couldn't afford multiple newspaper subscriptions. So I prayed.

And then I went dumpster diving. Or rather, my husband went dumpster diving (he's tall enough to get in and out... I could probably get in but getting out would present a challenge!!) We searched dumpsters almost daily for months. We got super lucky (blessed!) to find a spot where large quantities were being dumped each week. Most weeks I was able to get there before anyone else found them, but some weeks I was out of luck. It was exciting when they were there but frustrating and disappointing when they weren't. I was now able to give away lots and lots of coupon inserts to my friends at church. But it was never a guarantee that I'd find them. And it was taking a lot of time and energy (and gas) to keep checking multiple times every day. So I prayed again. This time that I would be able to find someone who was throwing the coupons away so I could have a steady source.

Well, God must be interested in my efforts to coupon and to help others save money because He helped me find someone who was dumping the coupons. I worked out a deal with this person so that they now bring them to my house and I "recycle" them each week. This has enabled me to have a steady source to provide coupons not only for my family, but for 25 or more other families. I've even gotten enough that I'm able to sell extras to help us out financially. I don't know how long this will last, and I can't really count on any set amount of income from it, but I believe this is one way that God saw that I could do something to ease our financial burden, do something I enjoy, and help others all at the same time.

If God didn't think my life was valuable He wouldn't bother listening to my prayers, much less answer them in such miraculous and perfectly fitting ways. He knew my wants, needs, and abilities and gave me a way to make a difference.

My "job" may not be as important as many others who are able to work and help others at the same time, but I'm glad I've been given this opportunity to serve in such a unique way. I finally feel like some of my seemingly useless talents have found an outlet that blesses others' lives.

So the next time you feel like your life is just a speck of sand, pray to God. Pray specifically about your situation, your needs, your hopes and desires. Then go out and do whatever you can to help yourself while remembering that every improvement in your situation, every blessing and piece of "luck" are really just answers from God. Because He cares about what you care about. You are valuable to Him, too.

Here's Why I Love Coupons

2011-08-09T15:37:00.003-04:00

I've mentioned on here that I've gotten into couponing. I am so thankful that Maura taught a class on it in Relief Society and got me started! Saving money is FUN!

Here are a couple pictures of what using coupons can do:

This is my trip to Meijer. For only $30 I got 1 gallon milk, 3 crystal light drink mixes, 7 boxes of capri suns, 2 bags chips, 4 lbs. of chicken thighs, 2 packages of Kraft Big Slice cheese, 3 packages of Oscar Mayer lunchmeat, 1 package of OM bologna, 4 peaches/nectarines, 2 activia selects yogurt, 2 chiquita apple bites, 2 toilet bowl cleansers and 2 containers of disinfecting wipes.
Not bad, if I do say so myself!!

This is a trip to Kroger. Anyone want to guess how much it cost? I got 3 Hamburger Helpers, 4 Minute Maid lemon ices, 2 dozen eggs, 2 Colgate toothpastes, 2 Colgate toothbrushes, 1 package greek yogurt, 1 yogurt delights, and 6 packages of peanut m&m's.
Here's the best part: all of this was only $6. No, that's not a typo. It really was only $6. I think I'm going to need more storage space soon....

My Mom

2011-08-07T08:00:00.000-04:00

I love how my mom has always been interested in learning. She's taken all sorts of different classes and learned many talents and skills. I thought it was great when she was studying to become a phlebotomist (a person who draws blood.) She needed a volunteer to practice on and being young and unafraid of needles, I agreed, but at the cost of one roll of lifesavers (or other vending machine treat) each time I went! (I'm not sure that would be legal nowadays, but I'm glad it was okay back then!) By the way, she was quite good at it. I don't remember any pain or discomfort from it.

Not only does my mom love to learn, but she also loves to explore new places. While I was growing up I can remember going to all sorts of interesting places. An old gold mining town, a place with huge dinosaurs, the Redwood forests, a beer factory (!), campgrounds, and lots of yummy hole-in-the-wall restaurants. When my mom comes to visit she invariably wants to go and see someplace/something new, which is a lot of fun! We've visited Williamsburg, Virginia, gone to a children's museum, done a tour of the Toyota plant down in Kentucky, visited Amish country in Ohio, travelled to Seattle, and are looking forward to other adventures in the future. (And none of this includes the many, many places she's visited on her own or with my other siblings!) She's taught me to look around and explore where I live, as well as any places within driving distance.
She has a zest for life that I envy. I also wish I had inherited her fearless and independent spirit. She's always been able to take care of herself and if she's ever been afraid to go somewhere by herself I've never known it.

My mom is also one of the only other people I know who is as adventurous an eater as I am. We will try just about anything. And it's so much more fun to try new stuff with someone else! I get a great love of food from both sides of my family, but my mom wins for teaching me about the greatest variety of foods. (Oh, and did I mention that she's also a good cook??!)

My mom is pretty amazing. I wish I got to see her more often. I've got another ten months to wait, but she'll come out for Aimee's graduation and then we'll go find some more cool stuff to do! (We're already putting places on the list!)

Reason to Celebrate

2011-08-03T09:55:00.010-04:00

Twenty-one years ago I gave a child up for adoption. For those twenty-one years I've had a hole somewhere in the very core of my being. It doesn't matter that it was the right decision, or really the only one I could have made in that situation. It still hurt like nothing I've ever experienced. Although I learned to move on with my life and find joy and contentment, the ache and the emptiness have always been there under the surface. Something has always been missing. I've thought about her and wondered where she was, how she was doing, did she feel loved, does she ever wonder about me? I've tried searching for her at times but had no luck. Somehow it never felt like quite the right time. Until last week.

I had been praying lately that I would be able to find her and know that she was okay. I prayed that she would be ready to hear from me.

Imagine my elation then, at finding this child on facebook (of all places!) She is healthy, happy, and doing well. So far we've only been able to chat a little on facebook, but my hope is that we'll be able to talk on the phone or via skype sometime soon. Even if she decides that she wants minimal or no contact in the future, I have the relief of knowing that she's okay. For the first time in twenty-one years I can feel that deep ache subsiding and the emptiness filling in at the edges.

Does this mean that I'll suddenly be whole again, or become some incredible, amazing person? That seems unlikely. There were many other factors that also played a part in making me who I am today. But I think I will experience more healing as I follow this road. My dear husband is worried that I'll be hurt in this process, but nothing can hurt as much as letting a child go. And with God by my side, I'll be all right. After all, look at how much he's done with me already!

Now my challenge is to not let my enthusiasm scare her off! After all, there are so many things I want to know. So many questions to ask, so much time to catch up on. But I also realize that it's going to be awkward and that she may not be as ready for this as I am. So I'll try to take it slow and enjoy the chance I've been given.

Is It Hot Enough Yet??

2011-07-21T13:30:00.003-04:00

Okay, weeks of 90+ degree days with humidity is bad enough, but 98 with a heat index of 110-115?? I thought I left temps like that behind when I moved out of Texas!

Is it just me, or does it really seem like the weather patterns have gotten pretty weird? It seems like we get hardly any spring or fall but have more extreme summer and winters. Maybe it's just that I'm a silly, short-sighted human (for whom 10 years seems like a looong time) but I'd love to know if the weather patterns really are unusual, or if it just seems like it because weather is hyped up so much on the news.

Rather than focus on the miserable heat, though, I've come up with my favorite things during a heat wave:
AIR CONDITIONING!
ice
cold water
showers
fans
shade
wind
thunderstorms
lazy days so I can stay inside
good books to read on the above mentioned days
meals that don't require oven or stove
ice cream

What are you doing to stay cool this summer??

Sunday Facade

2011-07-19T10:41:00.003-04:00

A post by one of my friends got me thinking about how we are on Sunday versus every other day of the week. When we go to church on Sunday, we tend to put on our best clothes, our best smiles, and are on our best behavior. Some people may see this as hypocritical. I don't think it is, though.

Think of it in terms of architecture. While some might see our Sunday best as an attempt to put on a facade, what we're actually doing is letting the underlying construction of our "building" show the beauty of what the Builder has created really shine through. (Think of the beauty of an old home that has "good bones.") What is showing on Sunday is the best architecture ever created.

We're not just cookie cutter houses on a bland suburban street. Each of us has been built with different exteriors, and we all have individualized interior decorating. Sometimes our exterior changes (gaining or losing weight, plastic surgery, scars, different clothing, etc.) and the interior can change only by our own efforts (personal choices, thoughts and desires, level of righteousness, etc.) but underneath it all is a structure that is built with the best materials possible, by an architect who knows perfect ways to build a solid foundation, to put up walls that don't lean, windows that never stick, etc.

That part of us that God built is what gives strength to the rest of our building. And it's that part that shines through when we put forth our best at church on Sunday. Others can look beyond the exterior and get a glimpse of what we were created to be. The facade actually falls away and we are seen for who we really are, even if that doesn't show on our exterior every other day of the week. And it gives us hope that one day our interior decorating and exterior style will match up to the wonderful underlying construction of our building so that we can shine as one of the great works of art of the greatest Builder ever.

What I've Been Up To

2011-07-18T10:11:00.008-04:00

I am very happy to say that since my last post about fighting depression (again) I've been having a lot more "up" days. I'm still not back where I want to be, but the suicidal thoughts are gone, I can (usually) catch my negative thoughts and remind myself that one bad moment doesn't make a bad day, month, year, or life. I noticed that I had gotten a bit lazy in doing the daily spiritual recharging that is apparently absolutely necessary for me. As I've gotten better about starting each day with scriptures and prayer, I'm finding that the darkness gets pushed away and I'm able to focus on more hopeful things. My energy level is still low so I'm not exactly getting lots of great stuff done, but I'm working on it. I've also been more consistent with exercising almost every day (another requirement for warding off the depression.) It sure seems like a lot of work just to live somewhat normally, but if it keeps the suffocating feeling of nothingness away, it's worth it.

Lately David and I have been doing more hiking, since our trip to Hocking Hills reawakened that passion. To me, spending a few hours in the woods with David is heavenly. I love trees, hills, rocks, birds, and everything to do with the woods (except mosquitos, but I've got good repellant!) We're working on getting in better shape so 2 hours worth of hiking wears us out pretty well, but it's a good feeling to know that we can still get out there and make it to the tops of hills and deep into the woods!

This past Saturday we went to Miami Whitewater Forest and did all three trails. It was warm and super muggy, but still a pleasant day in the shade of the trees. We saw a wild turkey, which was pretty cool. First time I've seen one out on the trails, although I've seen them while driving around sometimes.

I've also been doing more reading lately (another of my favorite things to do!) David and I are both enjoying some books by Bill Bryson, especially one on the Appalachian trail. It's made us decide that we'd like to hike the Blue Ridge portion of the Appalachian trail. I'm not sure if that dream will ever come true (David has to learn to tolerate camping at the least. Maybe not enjoy it, but at least be able to do it!!) but it gives us something to work towards in the future.

This week it's supposed to be in the mid 90's with high humidity all week. That's going to curb the outdoor activities a little, but will maybe give me more time for reading... so it's a win-win situation for me!

There's a wild turkey in the following photo, if you look closely (right in the middle... look for his long neck and darker body!)

Hocking Hills 2011

2011-07-04T14:07:00.006-04:00

We were lucky enough to get to spend four days in Hocking Hills last week. Somehow, we managed to time our visit when it wasn't too hot, too rainy, or too crowded. We had a cabin with a hot tub (which really came in handy after spending most of the day on trails!!) It was quiet, relaxing, challenging, and beautiful (sometimes all at the same time!)

Here are some pics of our visit:

(Here's a secret: I'm extremely scared of heights!! So this staircase was a challenge for me to go down. Up would have been easier. One step at a time, and trying hard not to notice the drop. Trust me, it looks a lot scarier up close and in person!!)

Old Man's Cave falls. (I don't remember which one. I just remember it was beautiful!)

Cedar Falls

A view from Conkle's Hollow Rim Trail. My new favorite trail!!

Another view from Conkle's Hollow Rim Trail. This trail got two thumbs up from me!

Aimee is taller than me, but not by THAT much!!

David got ahead of us on the Cantwell Cliff's trail and found this great hiding spot!

Can I run away from real life and go live in Hocking Hills full time??!!

Sometimes Healing Isn't Permanent

2011-07-04T13:37:00.002-04:00

I've been struggling lately with issues that I thought I had conquered (with God's help.) Turns out, it was only a lifting of those burdens for a period of time so that I could accomplish what I needed to do. This came as a bit of a shock to me. To have experienced close to three years with only minimal symptoms of social anxiety disorder and more than 6 years without depression were like being in a bright new world where I finally felt that I somewhat fit in, and that I really could do anything with God's help.

To have to realize that this was a temporary strengthening so I could bear my burden for the Lord's service was, honestly, a let-down. At times I was angry with God. How could He let me finally feel the freedom from these shackles and think that I was "cured", only to have them come rushing back to overwhelm me when my service was done?

There have been times when the darkness has felt like it is going to swallow me. It's a bit like standing on the edge of a dark abyss and realizing you're in quicksand and no matter how much you struggle, it's only pulling you further towards the edge. To wake up in the morning and feel as if your life is completely meaningless and pointless is depressing. To then be attacked with thoughts of suicide is scary.

Thankfully, I was able to get a blessing at a very opportune moment. It came in a way that was completely unexpected. I probably would not have thought to ask for a blessing had it not happened the way it did. Funny thing is, the situation that precipitated the blessing was one that then caused me further anguish and self-imposed guilt. But at the end of the whole experience, I realized that God had been watching over me and worrying about me. He was aware not only of my mental state and my struggles, but also my need to know that He would love me even if I couldn't do everything that I thought I should. I had to learn that sometimes what we are doing at a particular moment is enough, and that God doesn't base His love for us on how much we can do.

I'm still not out of the woods as far as these struggles are concerned. I've dealt with depression off an on for the majority of my life and thankfully am aware enough to realize that the dark thoughts and feelings are not reality. I'm not in serious danger of taking my life. I'm just trying to remember and use all the tools that I've leaned on in the past to get me through it this time. Lots of prayer, scripture study, blessings, and reminding myself of God's truths, especially when the lies of depression threaten to take over.

On the plus side, being back in the grips of depression has re-awakened compassion in me for those who are also struggling with it. It's so much easier to relate to someone when you've recently been dealing with the same thing. I see it in others and pray that they will be strengthened and comforted until they come out on the other side of it. I'm hanging onto the hope and faith that God will get me through this and that life will be brighter again soon. It sure would be nice to really enjoy life again, instead of just seeing glimpses of how good it can be.

7 Times 70

2011-06-13T20:18:00.002-04:00

When Peter asked the Lord "how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?" Jesus answered "I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." (Matthew 18:22)
I think it's pretty clear that Jesus was saying that we shouldn't place limits on how many times we forgive someone.

Here's something else I got from it: to forgive someone repeatedly, especially when it's someone close to you (which are the ones who are most likely to hurt us over and over again, even if not intentionally) means that we can't hold on to the pain and the anger. To truly forgive in a way that goes beyond the petty scorekeeping of "seven times seventy" means that we have to do our best to not only forgive, but also to forget what was done to us. Each time that person comes to us and is sorry, we have to wipe the slate clean and let them have a fresh start with us. In essence, we would never be able to reach a count of 490 separate offenses against us because each time we forgive it would wipe the first one away. To be truly forgiving, we never get to #2, let alone #490.

Besides, isn't that what the Lord does for us? He doesn't keep a chart showing how many times we've sinned versus how many times we've repented and then check to see if we've reached some critical number that makes all future sins unforgivable. Every single time we go to Him and sincerely repent, He forgives. He wipes our slate clean and lovingly tells us "go, and sin no more."(John 8:11) And then He forgets: "For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more." (Hebrews 8:12)

In telling Peter to forgive seven times seventy times, He was giving Him a lesson in love and forgiveness that goes far beyond the natural capacity of a man. To err is human, to forgive is truly Divine.

Incredible Song of Comfort (Blessings by Laura Story)

2011-05-24T15:44:00.003-04:00

There are so many people who face extremely hard battles everyday. This song is for them, but also for each of us. You never know when the rain, tears, or sleepless nights will come, but you can know that God will always be there.

Click this link to see a video of this song

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Just Because

2011-05-24T14:16:00.004-04:00

I feel kinda guilty because I should be trying to finish reading our book group's book for this month (The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.) We're meeting on Thursday, the book is already one day overdue, and... worst of all... I know there's a hold on the book. Which means I'm being terribly selfish in not finishing it asap and getting it back to the library. (If you're the one who has a hold on it, I'm sorry.)

But I really wanted to be able to blog quickly before my daughter gets home and things get noisy and busy again. Last week was so crazy busy that I rarely had time to sit down, much less be able to read a book. Which is a total shame because I LOVE this book! So much so that I'm probably going to buy it. So it's not like I'm just putting it off because it would be an unpleasant chore, or anything. I just really wanted to take time to do something else for myself for a little while!

Right now I've got some dough mixing in the breadmaker (hopefully it will turn into two lovely loaves of french bread later. First try on this type so we'll see!) I've also gotten the house cleaned and vacuumed, three loads of laundry finished and put away, and coupons sorted for half a dozen ladies who want to pick them up at church tonight. Oh, I did 40 minutes on my elliptical and worked on my husband's talk for church this Sunday, too. (He came up with the content but I help him with the organization and writing. We're kinda like Moses and Aaron... )

Since I already mentioned coupons, that's my latest addiction. And boy is it fun! Not only do I love saving money, but I've also been able to "find" large quantities of coupon inserts and am able to help about 20 other families with their grocery bills. David and I routinely pick up the papers, sort through to remove the inserts, and return the remaining paper. Then I get to divide up the haul. The real fun comes when I start matching up the coupons with sales (using websites who do most of the work for me!) This week we got: 4 packs of Ballpark franks, 12 bottles taco bell hot sauce, 16 packets of taco bell seasoning, 8 (1 lb.) boxes of cat food, 2 packages of smoked sausage, 6 bottles of Chi Chi's salsa, a bottle of Off repellant, and 4 cans of Hormel chili... for less than $18! (Retail value was well over $60!) Whoohoo!!

Last week we went to an awards assembly for Aimee's school. She was on honor roll again, but this time she made it into the Top 15 in her Junior class!! We are so proud of her! This year has been a huge struggle for her and the work hasn't come naturally and easily as it has in years past. I'm really proud of her for sticking with classes that weren't pleasant or that were extremely challenging (or both!) We're all relieved that the AP tests are done and school is out in two weeks. Now if she can just find a job for the summer...

One of the very best things that's happened lately was being able to go to the Temple with David on Saturday. We had to leave by 7:00 am, but that was nice because it was still quiet and peaceful outside and traffic was light. David and I both needed the break from this noisy world and being inside the Temple provides such a wonderful experience of peace and comfort. It made me ponder the mercy and love that Heavenly Father has for His children. After all, He took the time to make sure this beautiful earth was fully formed, landscapes were created, it was planted and had plenty of vegetation for survival and enjoyment, and everything was done and ready before He put us on it. Let's face it... He could have made it, left it in a rough state and put us on it to try to form it into something usable. But instead He gave us everything we needed: sun, rain, land, water, trees, plants, animals, night & day, and enough knowledge to know how to use most of the resources. After watching a movie on the Hubble telescope and seeing just how many planets, galaxies, and such are out there, and how rare ours is, and how much it took for this earth to be the perfect residence for humans- I am in awe of how wonderful, amazing, and loving our God is.

It sure was nice to just sit and share some of my thoughts again, but now it's time for Aimee to get home from school and that book is calling me!

My Happy? Life

2011-05-16T16:26:00.003-04:00

I feel kinda silly back-tracking after my post yesterday about being content with my boring life, but after reading the following passage in our book group's monthly selection, I've had to change my position a bit:

"... challenge and novelty are key elements to happiness. The brain is stimulated by surprise, and successfully dealing with an unexpected situation gives a powerful sense of satisfaction. If you do new things- visit a museum for the first time, learn a new game, travel to a new place, meet new people- you're more apt to feel happy than people who stick to more familiar activities.
This is one of the paradoxes of happiness: we seek to control our lives, but the unfamiliar and the unexpected are important sources of happiness." -The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

I realize now that although I appreciate the break from heavier responsibilities and scary new challenges around every corner, I still need to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone if I'm to be not only content but also happy. I've always loved visiting new places, trying new foods, and learning new things but it seems like I've gotten too busy, scared of failure, tired, and, honestly, too boring to put forth much effort lately. I did notice that in the quote it mentioned "successfully dealing" with a situation, and I guess that's where I keep getting stuck. I'm so scared of trying new things and failing miserably that I'm missing out on a greater measure of happiness.

I wish this great epiphany meant that I was suddenly ready to conquer the world, or at the very least to tackle some new challenge. Unfortunately, I can't even think of what I want to attempt. I'm not the type to do skydiving or bungee jumping, and I don't have a lot of disposable income for trying out new hobbies at this point. So what "new" thing can I do to stretch myself? Maybe it's time to visit a new park, invite people over for game nights again, and attend every social function I hear about. The author of "The Happiness Project" doesn't really mention how to figure out what you'd like to do in the first place- her solution was to start a blog, but I think I'm a bit beyond the novelty of that at this point! I'll have to give this some thought.

So, what do you do to keep your life interesting? What do you do with your free time? What challenges have you faced and successfully dealt with recently? Any thoughts?

My Boring Life

2011-05-15T20:37:00.002-04:00

Have you ever had someone ask what you've been up to lately and not have one single thing worth sharing come to mind? I have. Lots of times. It tends to make me think that I live a very boring life. After all, everyone else seems to have interesting and fulfilling stories to tell: children's activities and accomplishments, work and it's ups and downs, hobbies that create, or needful service given.

Often, my only answer is "just the same ol' stuff." It's gotten to the point that I'd rather not admit just what I've been doing because it sounds so darn dull. But the truth is, I'm fairly content with my boring but fairly routine life most days. I don't have a lot of drama going on (okay, with a teenage daughter maybe there is SOME drama... but not a lot!) which is the way I prefer it. I wish I could say that I'm an adventurous person who looks forward to new challenges and lots of variety (chaos?) in my life. Instead, I'm a person who prefers to know when things need to be done by, what will be expected of me, and how to get those things done. The less surprise involved, the better. Dare I admit that I kind of enjoy boring?

The problem is, the world we live in doesn't put much value on a boring life. Whose going to follow the tweets of an average housewife?! Oooh... look... she just did the dishes! Whoohoo. If what you're doing isn't "exciting" then it must not be valuable, right?

Sometimes it's hard to feel like I have a greater purpose in life than just keeping a house clean and feeding my family. Where is the glory in cleaning toilets or going grocery shopping? I've always had problems with low self-worth so you can imagine that my life as "just a homemaker" doesn't always leave me feeling that I'm a good use of space on this planet. I have to remind myself that a clean house, a well fed family, making the most of our household income, trying to teach my daughter good values, and trying to be a loving person are worthwhile pursuits. No, they won't bring me any great admiration or accolades, but if the best someone can say at my funeral was that I was a good mom, wife, homemaker, and friend... what else will really matter?

So scoff at my boring, dull, mundane life. But to prove that I'm not just wasting my time... here's some of what I've been up to lately: I replaced a case fan in my computer, (mostly) repaired a leak in my basement wall, read some good books, made dinners for friends, am continuing to learn the ins and outs of couponing, have been keeping my yard looking decent, and working part-time doing billing and such for David. That's in addition to keeping my house clean (enough), teaching each week at church, gathering coupons to share, and keeping things running smoothly at home. Boring? Sometimes. Dull? Yeah, maybe. Fulfilling? Often.

Welcome to my life.

And by the way... what have you been up to lately? :)

More Updates

2011-04-11T17:04:00.004-04:00

This time my lack of blogging hasn't been so much because of being overly busy (okay, maybe a little bit because of that) but mainly because I live such a boring life that I've got nothing interesting to post!! Blah!

I enjoyed Saturday's sessions of General Conference, and it didn't hurt that the missionaries watched it with us. The more the merrier, as always! Elder Holgreen was on a lucky winning streak with general conference bingo... or maybe it was just that the rest of us were paying more attention to the talks themselves!! lol

Poor David picked up a stomach virus and was sick all day Saturday. He's got a weak stomach to begin with and this bug was a really nasty one. I felt really bad for him, especially since all I could do was make a run to the store to pick up gatorade to try to keep him hydrated. He didn't get to enjoy any of the goodies I made (including homemade cinnamon rolls.)

As luck would have it, I ended up with the bug on Sunday so I only caught some of the morning session. I was kinda caught by surprise because it's been years since I've gotten that sick. In fact, it had been over 16 years since I last threw up. Add to that so much body pain that I couldn't sleep or even read and I was miserable with a capital M. I guess it was time for a reminder for me to appreciate good health. (It worked. I am so happy to feel pretty good again!!)

It took a few days to fully recover but thankfully by the end of the week I was back to feeling "normal" again. It felt good to get outside and mow the lawn, clean up my gardening boxes, and do some general yardwork. Maybe this will be the year that I finally tame my yard and have it looking good for more than just a month!! Of course, that will only be true if it quits raining non-stop but doesn't go straight into drought conditions!!

David has still been busy with work, but has also made time to take care of some stuff around the house. This last Saturday he installed a new water filtration system under the sink. We had used the pur faucet filters for years but have been increasingly dissatisfied with their performance so I researched systems and found one that sounded like a good fit. David had it installed within an hour and we are now enjoying clean, clear, tasteless water! Yea!

Wanna know how we spent part of our tax return this year? New windows! Whoohoo!! I am pretty excited about this. Not only do we have a few windows that are fogged, but we have sliders, which I hate. They are the hardest windows in the world to keep clean and I have dreamt of replacing them with double-hung ones for years. After finding out that the difference in price between having them fixed and having them replaced was only a couple hundred dollars, we decided to go ahead and replace the three upstairs ones with part of the tax return. We didn't have enough to do all the windows in the house, but this is a good start! They get installed tomorrow and I am sooo looking forward to laying in my bed and actually being able to see outside again!

I've really been enjoying working part-time with David. It helps that I can usually work from home and can usually set my own hours. It's nice feeling like I'm doing something productive (oustide of laundry, dishes, meals, etc.) and it doesn't hurt to be making a bit of money while doing it either!

I'm helping out now with the Activity Days girls at church (ages 8-11) and will be in charge for the next month or two since our leader just had a baby. This is a huge challenge because I am not a naturally creative or fun person. Thankfully, there are lots of great ideas online!! I thought it was already a challenge to teach the 9-11 year old girls on Sundays, but this requires a lot more imagination and creativity. I enjoy being around the girls and am hoping that I can come up with some activities that will keep their attention (at least for a short while!) and help them have fun, too. I think I'm ready for tomorrow night's activity....

I can't think of anything else I've been doing that would be of any interest for anyone to read about. Shoot, we haven't even had a game night in months because of David's crazy schedule. But everything is going pretty good for us and we have good things to look forward to (like warmer weather, planting flowers, visiting Hocking Hills in June, etc.)

At book group a couple of months ago we discussed the book "eat, pray, love" and one of the things brought up was the idea that the author had to choose one word to describe herself... so we all tried to think of what our one word would be. Like a dunce, I couldn't think of anything off the top of my head, but after giving it some thought... I think my word would be content. Not that I always am content, but it's something I'd like to strive for. To be content with who I am, where I am, and what I have. (And besides, it sounded a whole lot better than inadequate, invisible, insecure, or boring!)

Different but Alike

2011-03-15T06:30:00.001-04:00

We all want to be individuals. We like knowing that there's only one "me" in this world. There's nobody else with the same exact compilation of personality, looks, talents, etc. We are one of a kind and special. And we like it that way.

The funny thing is, we also really like knowing that someone else feels the same way we do, or has experienced what we have. Knowing that someone else can relate to what we're going through helps us feel like we're not alone, that we're not unique in our struggles.

We want to be special and unique until we find that we can't do everything on our own. Then it's really reassuring to find others who are just like us. And in the end, that seeming contradiction is part of what makes us human. So different, but so alike, all at the same time.

The Veil Was Rent in Twain

2011-03-13T10:43:00.004-04:00

Maybe I'm just slow to catch on to symbolism, but as I was reading about Jesus' death and the veil of the temple being rent in twain from top to bottom (Mark 15:37-38) it occurred to me that Jesus and the temple veil are one and the same.

During Old Testament times the temple was divided by a veil. It separated the "Holy Place" from the "Holy of Holies." Sacrifices were performed in the outer courtyard of the temple. No blood was shed inside the temple, and only the priests could enter the temple. Inside the Holy Place the priests burned incense, kept the lamps lit, and sprinkled blood on the horns of the altar of incense once a year. Even they were not allowed to enter the Holy of Holies.

The Holy of Holies was entered just once a year, and only by the high priest. The only piece of furniture in the Holy of Holies was the Ark of the Testimony. On the ark, and forming the lid, was the mercy seat. It served as the altar for the highest atonement known to Jewish law. It was also known as God's throne in Israel. This means that only the high priest was given the privilege of approaching God's throne and mercy seat, and he was doing it in behalf of all of Israel. Even for the high priest this was not an individual, personal contact.

Here's the connection I found: Jesus is our high priest, the highest and holiest of all. But He was also much more. When He died, the veil was literally rent. No longer was the Holy of Holies restricted to only the highest priesthood authority.

By being the ultimate atonement for us, Jesus made it possible for each of us to figuratively enter the Holy of Holies, to approach the throne of God personally and sit on the mercy seat. Israel no longer had need of a high priest to go into the presence of God and atone for their sins, because Jesus, as their high priest, made an eternal sacrifice and made it possible for every individual to approach God in confidence. No longer were men separated from God's throne and His mercy seat. Just as Jesus' body was torn on the cross by His crucifixion, the temple veil was torn and sin's power to eternally separate us from God was done away with.

Jesus Christ redeemed us and paid the price. And now we're blessed to be offered full forgiveness every day, not just once a year. His gift has given us the freedom and privilege to enter the Holy of Holies and personally worship at the altar of our God.

What an amazing blesssing.

General Update

2011-03-09T08:57:00.003-05:00

David has had a huge spill going on for over a month now, and we're both about ready for it to be over. (His client is, too- especially after seeing the first invoice!!)
David has been working 70-90 hours a week and has been lucky to get a day or two off here and there. (So far he's only had one full weekend off.) Needless to say, he's exhausted. I honestly don't know how he does it. He's been working since 7:00 yesterday morning and he won't be home until (maybe) sometime this afternoon or evening. He was able to get a couple of hours' sleep yesterday afternoon, but not nearly enough to keep a body going for this long!
Unfortunately, every time it rains it creates puddles (and ponds) of contaminated water that has to be vacuumed up. Which means David is called out again. All this lovely spring rain has been anything but welcome to us!
This is what life is like for David right now. I feel bad for him. It's not like this is a nice company to work for in the first place. (Imagine a place where the owner charges an employee when he forgets to bring the right equipment to a site, or misses a charge on the billing... Yeah, we're pretty sure that's not legal.) At least he has a job, though. I know it could be worse.
We're really looking forward to having this particular job done. It will be good to get back to "normal" family life and spending quality time together. It will be especially nice to have conversations that don't revolve around work. Did I mention that I'm working as his administrative assistant now? I'm happy to help him stay caught up and take care of things that he literally isn't around to do at this point. But it also tends to blur the lines of where work starts and stops. It's much better when he's around enough to keep things caught up so that we then have time to talk about something more than what's still needing to be done.

I, on the other hand, am doing pretty well. No serious complaints. I've been enjoying working and also taking a couple of online classes (nothing that I get college credit for- just for the sake of learning.) I've also had more time to read and have found a few good books lately. I wish I could say I've been doing all sorts of amazing or interesting things, but I just haven't been motivated enough to do any serious baking, crafting, home repairs, or anything else. I did do a tune-up on David's car, if that counts. And I'm getting quotes to have some windows repaired/replaced. I'm still waiting for the rain to stop for more than a day or two so I can fix a crack in the basement. (Not like I'm real eager to do that one anyways.) I'm getting back into the routine of exercising after losing my beloved elliptical. The treadmill just isn't as pleasant as the elliptical was!

Poor Aimee is somewhat in the same position as David. She's really being challenged this year in school. We'll all be relieved when her hardest AP test is done in May. She's mostly keeping up, sometimes just barely. But she has also taken on a part-time babysitting job and she loves that. It's only one or two nights a week but it's been a great experience for her. She enjoys being with children and was complaining that no one ever used her for babysitting... and then she got this opportunity! She's still trying to figure out what path she wants to take college-wise. After doing the teacher academy program at school this year she's pretty sure she doesn't want to be a teacher. She's now leaning more towards becoming a graphic artist or maybe even a genetic researcher. I could see her doing great in either.

That's our life right now. We're busy but surviving, sometimes stressed but mostly happy, and not often together right now but looking forward to more family time soon!

Spring is Around the Corner!

2011-03-03T14:54:00.005-05:00

Signs Spring is on the way:

The days are getting longer.
I'm no longer frozen when wearing less than three layers.
I can see daffodils just barely peeking up through the soil out front,
Which is only possible because the soil is no longer frozen.
When we get precipitation it comes down as rain and not snow. (Hallelujah!)
The squirrels are acting pretty squirrelly already. (Is there any critter more fun to watch than a couple of squirrels? I wish I had their energy!!)

I am sooo looking forward to warmer temperatures and sunny days. Walking outside, planting veggies and flowers, being outdoor after 7:00 pm without needing a flashlight. Add to that the beauty of the earth waking up and blooming again, and there's no better time of the year to me than spring. I can't wait!

Perfection

2011-03-01T10:38:00.003-05:00

What is perfection?

Is it a certain dress size, body shape, great sense of fashion, or trendy hairstyle? Maybe it's a combination of all of these?
Is it being able to do everything you're asked to, need to, and want to... and being able do it all well?
Maybe perfection is never getting mad at your kids, always being willing to drop everything for someone else, and letting others walk all over you?
Is it knowing the bible from front to back, being able to quote scriptures, and understanding it better than most other people?

In my opinion, perfection is love. It doesn't matter what you look like, how smart or educated you are, how well you know the gospel, or how well you do things. It all comes down to love. When Christ told us to be perfect even as He is, I think He was saying that we need to love as He does. Jesus didn't worry about getting a college degree, having a good paying job, driving a new car, wearing the latest fashions, or showing off his knowledge. All He did was love. He loved through teaching, serving, healing, and forgiving. He spent His life worrying about others and not himself. And He was perfect.

You don't have to be "perfect" here and now. God knows our limitations and our struggles. That's why He sent His Son to make it all possible for us. Through Jesus we can be perfect. And in the meantime, we can follow His example and strive to be perfect in love.

I Got Bored and Look What I Found (on craigslist again!)

2011-02-04T16:28:00.006-05:00

old metal casket - $100 (ft.thomas,ky)
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Date: 2011-02-04, 3:40PM EST
Reply to: XXXXX
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full size real casket great for halloween looks like it was just dug up 100.00 firm

(Here's one way to save on funeral expenses!! You don't think they DID dig it up, do you??)

3 inch fire hose - $200 (Mt. Orab)
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Date: 2011-02-04, 1:55PM EST
Reply to: XXXXXX
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3 in fire hose or discharge hose 9 rolls $200.00 obo need to get rid of

(Carwash, anyone?? Maybe we can help a local fire dept. with their budget by buying them some new hose??)

chocolate chip starfish - $20 (trenton)
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Date: 2011-02-04, 2:02AM EST
Reply to: XXXXXX
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Here is my chocolate chip starfish. I bought him at the local pet store, but they did not tell me he was the type to eat invertabraes. He doesn't get along with anything in my tank, and he has attacked and killed my horseshoe crab. :( So although he is very cute, he has to go. If you're into carnivorous saltwater fish, this cute little guy is the thing for you. He will not eat fish, just bottom feeders like blennies, crabs, and snails and such, basically things that do not move. (my horseshoe crab slept in the sand like 23 hours a day)

(Who knew there were chocolate chip starfish in existence?? And who knew they were so vicious?!! Wow, you can learn a lot by browsing craigslist!!)

Dumb & Dumber hat - $4 (Maineville)
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Date: 2011-02-03, 11:14AM EST
Reply to: XXXXX
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Dumb & Dumber hat, from the movie. I bought it new and may have worn it for an hour, so it's all but new. Mailable for an extra $3 or so, depending on your location, and I can take paypal. This is available, no need to send an email to ask, and please no texting.

(Are they saying they only felt dumb enough to wear it for one hour? Did they suddenly get smarter? And do they really expect to get a bunch of emails asking if they still have it???!!)

"Earnest Deposit"

2011-02-02T07:00:00.000-05:00

Have you ever bought a home? Usually when you make an offer to the seller, you're required to give an earnest deposit- an amount of money to confirm the contract to buy the house.

I thought it was interesting to read in Ephesians 1:13-14 that the holy Spirit has been given to us as "the earnest of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession." Earnest in this case meaning "a part or portion of something given in advance as a guarantee of the remainder."

If the spirit is our "earnest deposit" of the inheritance that God will grant us, how cool will the full inheritance be??!! After all, the spirit is what brings us comfort (Matthew 3:11), guides us to all truth (John 16:13), and gives us love, joy, peace, gentleness, and faith (Galatians 5:22-23). To have even a portion of these gifts brings great joy so I can only imagine how amazing the full inheritance will be if this is just a small taste of it!

Kitty Woes

2011-02-01T10:14:00.004-05:00

Did you know cats can have strokes? I didn't know that either until I came home one day about two weeks ago and found that Whiskers was holding his head lopsided, staggering around like he was drunk, and had eyes that were twitching back and forth like pinballs. Needless to say, it was disconcerting and somewhat scary. We took him to the ER vet where they couldn't actually confirm anything. There best guess was that he had gotten an infection that went to his brain. After doing some research, though, we found that he had 8 out of 10 of the symptoms of a stroke.

The good thing is, he has gotten much better. He's still not 100%, but he's able to get around pretty well now without falling down constantly. He still has trouble getting up onto the couch without falling over, and he can't shake his head without falling down, but he's mostly back to his old self. That's been a big relief. Although he's older, he's always been our healthiest, best behaved cat and we weren't ready to have to make the decision to put him to sleep.

For people who don't have pets it's probably hard to understand the depth of feeling that we have for them. They are loved members of the family. I must admit though, that although I might qualify as a crazy cat lady (I do have FIVE cats, after all) I am not one of those who thinks they are my children. As much as I love four of the five kitties, I wouldn't go deep in debt in order to prolong their lives. If Whiskers had needed a neurologist (the next step for diagnosis according to the ER vet) he would have been sent on to the great hereafter. That's reality. But I'm so thankful that he has recovered enough to continue to live a full and happy life.

It's not easy being responsible for another creature's life, but for me, it's well worth it.

"Lost" Sheep?

2011-01-29T12:55:00.006-05:00

I think that sometimes as Christian women we feel pretty lost, like we are the "one" that Christ needs to leave the ninety-nine for. We get so overwhelmed with trying to keep all the commandments (perfectly!) and beat ourselves up because we don't think we're good enough. We feel like giving up and think that we need to be rescued because we don't feel as strong as we'd like to be.

But we're wrong.

I'm sure plenty of people will argue with me on this point. But I'll stand by it. We are NOT LOST. And we don't need rescuing. Not in the major sense, anyways.

Here's what we're overlooking: if we are blessed enough to not only have heard the gospel of Jesus Christ, but to also have accepted it, been baptized, and be following His teachings, then we have been found. Not only found, but saved.

If we feel like we need to be sought, it's only because we are keeping ourselves on the fringes and not actively participating in the fold. Jesus is still our shepherd. He's still within hearing distance, and is actively listening for our call. He hasn't taken the rest of the flock to graze elsewhere and purposely left us behind. He may be moving the flock to greener pastures, but He's been leading and calling the whole time. If we aren't right in the midst with Him, it's because we've gotten distracted, lost sight of Him, or maybe are just enjoying our little plot of grass too much to follow Him to a different place.

The truly lost sheep isn't even within hearing distance. They have lost sight of the flock and haven't heard the call of the shepherd. They are wandering in paths we wouldn't want to be on, often searching for the safety and comfort of a flock with a faithful shepherd. The lost are those who haven't heard the gospel message, or have become completely separated from their flock.

You can't be lost if you are still around the flock. It doesn't matter if you are on the outer edges of the group, if you are grazing alone, or if you feel inadequate or unaccepted. You're still part of God's fold. After you've joined, the only way you can be lost is if you decide to be.

If we, as members of God's church, feel lost, then we probably need to re-evaluate where we're at. Are we doing all we can to be close to the Shepherd? Are we doing the things He taught? Or are we so focused on our selves that we can't see the rest of the flock around us? If we feel the need to be rescued, rather than hearing the call to rescue others, it might be because we have lost sight of the fact that we have already been found.

I think I'm just as guilty as anyone else of thinking that it's all too hard. I can never live up to everything that's (supposedly) expected of me. I'm not perfect in any single principle and I still struggle with basic commandments. I feel weak and stupid and helpless. So I'm lost, right? I need someone else to come strengthen me and help me through the struggles. I need someone to show me how to be perfect.

Hmm... where can I find someone like that? Is there some fantastic woman out there just waiting to be my friend? Is there some spiritual giant at church who can tutor me? There might be. But chances are that I'm going to have the same people around me who have always been there. So I'm left trying to figure out how to be perfect on my own.

And that's where we go wrong. Because Jesus has already found us. He's already brought us into the flock and given us His words and His example. He is the one we need to turn to when we feel lost. We need to quit hoping for some earthly angel to "save" us. We have to shut out the distractions and listen for His voice. We need to call out to Him and actively work to get back into the flock and close to our shepherd.

Jesus didn't say "Come follow me and everything is going to be great. You're going to be strong and perfect, and everything's going to come easy for you. There'll be nothing but green pastures from here on out!"
No, He said "Come follow me. It's going to be hard. You're going to have weaknesses and you're going to have to work hard to stay close to me. BUT, I will help you. I will lead you, and I will love you. And in the end, I will save you and perfect you."

We're never going to be perfect on our own. We're always going to struggle and feel inadequate. Our only hope is in Jesus Christ. He is the one who will give us strength and ability far beyond our own. We can't save ourselves, no matter how much we do or how good we are. Perfection and eternal life can only come through Jesus Christ.

We are so blessed to believe in Him, to know Him, and to have His guidance. We have the most faithful and loving of all shepherds. We have all the resources we need to be part of His flock.
It's probably high time we realized this and started seeking those who are truly lost. Let's work on our closeness to the shepherd, remind ourselves of what we already know, and then go and find the sheep who are without a shepherd, who need to hear the gospel of Christ, who need redemption and love. We can't wait until we have perfect faith and are "strong enough" because that time will never come. We are strong enough in Christ. We have faith enough through Christ. We can do all things in Christ because we have been found and claimed by Him.

The Funny Side of Craigslist

2011-01-13T11:14:00.002-05:00

This is an actual ad I found on craigslist today.

Three Knives (Morrow)
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Free. Two filet knives, and one....serial killer knife? Leave your phone number with your email.

Good Enough?

2011-01-12T11:25:00.003-05:00

I often wonder when I'll ever feel like I'm good enough. I'm not even sure what constitutes "good enough" but I know that I don't feel like I'm there.

It's strange to me how I can go through such incredible growth experiences and have to do new and scary things and see some success in them, but then quickly revert back to the young woman I was at 18, huddled on a bathroom floor crying from the emptiness within.

It's not like I don't recognize that I have worth in God's eyes, but somehow that knowledge has infiltrated my mind and not my soul. I know that I'm of enough worth to God that I shouldn't be treated like crap. I also recognize that I have some potential within me, but I honestly don't see where I'm of any real use to Him or to anyone else on this world. If I wasn't here, someone else would have taken my place and life would still be going on the way it is.
I'm not digging for compliments or reassurances from friends and family with this statement. I know that to some of you I've made a difference and that many of you love me. The problem is that I just don't have that inner conviction that I matter. I can see how I have grown, matured, and become a better person, but I still have no sense of what my purpose is on this earth. Surely it's more than being a good housekeeper and a decent wife and mother?

There have been times in my life when I've glimpsed what it feels like to really know I'm of worth. Unfortunately, most of those times it still came down to being of use to someone for a specific reason. Outside of being "useful" I don't feel any sense of self-worth. And I really don't know how to "fix" that. I've studied the scriptures, prayed, served, and accepted challenges to grow. Each experience has helped me feel better about myself during the moment. But it never lasts. It's like I start over fresh with each new challenge. I'm still just as scared, just as insecure, just as frightened of making a mistake, and wanting nothing more than to hide back in my shell again.

There's no point trying to trace the cause of this problem. Placing blame or living with regrets doesn't help. I accept that whatever happened in the past, including the many bad choices I made, this is the result. But what I want to know is- when and how do I feel that sense of worth that I long for? Is this to be my "thorn in the flesh" for as long as I live? Will I never be able to truly feel worthwhile and loved?
The answer is: I don't know. What I do know is that I trust God enough to keep taking one day at a time and I believe in Him enough to push myself out of my shell and continue becoming the woman I think He wants me to be. I know that He doesn't want me to feel like this, and that thought alone gives me comfort.

God's Wisdom

2011-01-07T09:00:00.003-05:00

How can you tell if a man is truly gaining the wisdom of God, versus the wisdom of the world? I think there are a few clues in the following scriptures in James:

Chapter 3:13 Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom.
1) God's wisdom will be meek, not full of pride and boasting. It doesn't say "I'm smarter than you. I've studied and know more than you. Look at me- I deserve recognition for how much I know." God's wisdom will lead a man to do good rather than seek for praise and accolades.

3:14 But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth.
3:15 This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish.
3:16 For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.
2) God's wisdom will NOT lead a man to envy others and to create contention and strife. That kind of "wisdom" is from the devil and it relies heavily upon what we can perceive with our bodies only and not our spirits. When we give in to our pride (which immediately separates us from God) we end up promoting contention, arguing, fighting, and treating others with contempt. It shows a serious lack of understanding of God's wisdom when we act that way. At the first sign of contention we need to realize that we are furthering an evil work, and not following God's design. We can't teach others through anger and strife- that only creates confusion.

3:17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.
3) God's wisdom is pure, which means we need to go to the source to receive it untainted. We may have to study, pray, and listen hard to really understand it, because God doesn't rely on humans to explain His ways. We can know we are on the right path to gaining that wisdom when we find ourselves more inclined to be peaceable, gentle, merciful, wanting to serve others, not caring about the social status of others, and living what we believe rather than just preaching it.

3:18 And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.
4) If we are filled with God's wisdom we will be serving in peace, not looking for reasons and ways to disagree, judge, and put others down; but searching instead for those things we can do to let God's love work through us to help others see His wisdom and desire it for themselves.

I think there are many people who are so caught up in always learning and seeking knowledge that they end up missing out on God's true wisdom. What good does it do if we learn everything there is to know about this world but never learn how to love others show them the way to Christ?

Thoughts on Healing and Relationships

2011-01-01T13:43:00.004-05:00

Healing is an amazing thing to witness. To see the power of God working in loved ones' lives and to see how He can change hearts and circumstances to allow His love to overcome years of anger, hurt and misunderstanding is like watching spring bloom after an especially harsh winter.

I've been blessed to see such healing occur this past week. It's not my place to give the details of the relationship between my husband and one of his sons (Aaron) but it's been interesting to watch them get to know each other and go from being careful about each word they say to relaxing and having fun with each other. Six months ago I wouldn't have thought this reunion would have been possible, or that it would have turned out to be such a fun and enjoyable experience. Honestly, I would have been somewhat afraid that they would both let anger get the best of them and ruin their chance to build a bond for at least a few more years. I've been pleasantly surprised by how Aaron's attitude and demeanor have changed over the course of the last few months, though. Aaron has found a lot of comfort and healing in his faith and has worked hard to forgive and let go of many of the things that have continued to hurt him and make him so angry. The timing of his visit was perfect. We have to acknowledge God's hand in it and express our tremendous gratitude for such an awesome blessing.

As I was blessed to watch and listen to my husband and his estranged son work on re-establishing a relationship it struck me that the pain/hatred that caused David's ex to tell his sons that he had left them (and implied that he didn't love them) has hurt their sons far more than it could ever hurt David, who I would assume was the target of her anger. I caught myself thinking "How could a mother who loves her sons not want them to take pride in the man who fathered them? Wouldn't you want them to know that they were loved by him? Isn't it healthier for them to feel that they gained some positive attributes from him?" In the next instance it hit me that there have been too many times when I've made snide comments about my husband in front of, or even to my daughter. I had never realized how much damage I could be doing without even meaning to. It's sad that it often takes seeing someone else's pain and suffering to better understand how your own actions have affected others. Needless to say, I'm going to make it one of my New Year's resolutions to build up my husband in my daughter's eyes and do everything possible to show her that he is a wonderful, faithful, hardworking man.

I've also noticed that most of what we see as anger in other people is really just pain. They've been hurt in one way or another and for whatever reason are not able to release that pain and heal. As time goes on, instead of diminishing, the pain seems to build and take on new dimensions, and the easiest expression is usually anger. I know that we often get angry at our loved ones not because of something they are currently doing but because it is bringing up painful feelings of something that hurt us in our past. Anger tends to be a vicious cycle that perpetuates the pain. That's why it's so wonderful to see healing start and watch the anger start to abate.

David and I both made some tremendous mistakes when we were younger. Those mistakes have had far-reaching and painful consequences in many instances. Even in those cases where we did what we thought would be best for someone else, it often caused a lot of hurt. I can only thank and praise the Lord for His mercy and grace, that He has taken these mistakes and somehow made it work out for the best. We can see now, with the benefit of looking back, that some aspects of growth and healing probably would not have happened if we hadn't made the choices we did. God can truly take the worst situations and use them for His purposes and create something wonderful out of it.

I don't know if there is anything more beautiful in this life than two people deciding that loving each other is more important than their own individual beliefs, perceptions, and past hurts. To be able to forgive, move on, and build on the foundation of love is one of the greatest gifts we can give or receive.

Gifts

2010-12-25T20:54:00.002-05:00

I've not been shy about posting my reasons for being tired of the whole gift-giving part of Christmas. With that said, I would like to amend that just a little. I have noticed that the gifts I give and receive that mean the most are the ones that are usually simple, homemade, and have some portion of the giver in them, whether it is their talent for doing crafts or a special knack for making a card personal. I treasure those gestures that seem to bind love to them.

This Christmas I want to focus on the greatest gifts I've ever received. They didn't come from a store, they were never listed in a catalog, and they can't be bought. They have all been free gifts from a Father to a daughter, with love.

They are:

Life. From the beating of my heart and the breaths I take, to the workings of my mind and the feelings of my spirit, it's a wonderful gift to be alive.

Love. The total, unconditional, all-encompassing kind. The type of love that says "I'll love you no matter how stupid you act or what mistakes you make. I'll love you yesterday, today, tomorrow and always, no matter what."

Redemption. Who can put a price on the gift of forgiveness? I could live my whole life trying to make amends for every sin I've committed, every hurt I've caused, every mistake I've made and it still wouldn't bring me any closer to God. But He was willing to send His Son to die for me and make it possible for me to be clean again. Not just dusted off and sent away with a band-aid, but a complete washing that leaves me feeling shiny and new again.

Healing. I've been broken so many times that it seems like the pieces shouldn't even fit together any more. God didn't intend for me to be broken, but He knew it would happen so He made a way for me to be fixed. Somehow Christ takes all the pieces and puts me back together and creates a working masterpiece. God doesn't make junk, He makes perfection. And He made me, perfectly.

Hope. I would have no reason to get up each morning without the hope that comes from knowing that God lives, that Jesus Christ lived and died for me, and that someday I'll live with them again. They give me purpose in life and the will to keep going.

Family. At the end of the day it's nice to know I have a family at home. I have a husband and daughter who love me and put up with me. I'm often ashamed that they see the worst side of me, but so grateful that they find a way to look past it and love me anyways.

Peace. Not from having a silent house, or not having obligations weighing me down, but the wonderful "everything is going to work out" feeling that only Christ can give.

Joy. This one seems to be a rarer gift with me. Whether it's because it's not given as often or that I'm just not good at receiving it can be debated. But when it's there, it's the best feeling in the world! It makes me want to sing out loud and dance from room to room, trying to find a way to show outwardly just how good I feel inside.

Church Family. I went to a baptism tonight and the dear sister mentioned that the first time she came into our building she had a sweet feeling of love and of coming home. That's exactly how I've felt in our congregation. I have never experienced such love and acceptance as I have here among my church family. God sent me to this particular place at this time in my life because He knew that the people around me would help to heal me. He works in mysterious ways, and often those ways are the people around us.

I still have a lot to learn, especially when it comes to loving others, but I know that I have the ultimate role model. I am so thankful that God loved me enough to keep reaching out to me, even when I had my back turned to Him and thought I wasn't worth loving. I know that I have been exceptionally blessed to be given such wonderful gifts in my life.

I don't look forward to Christmas because of the presents and the stuff, or even the family and food. What I enjoy most is the reminder of the gifts I continue to receive from my Heavenly Father and the special spirit of love that comes from celebrating His greatest gift of all- our Savior.

Merry Christmas!

Gift Giving

2010-12-15T08:36:00.003-05:00

Tis the season again. I love most parts of Christmas- the music, the lights, the spirit, the celebration of my Savior's birth. But then we come to the part that's all about giving gifts and I feel like Scrooge sometimes, which makes me feel guilty.

Don't get me wrong- I LOVE giving gifts. I enjoy making special things for people I love, taking cookies and treats to friends and neighbors, buying things I think will make someone smile. But I hate shopping for gifts for relatives I don't know well enough to be able to pick out something "special." I hate feeling obligated to buy something for someone who already has everything they need and almost everything they've always wanted too. How do you shop for people who buy themselves everything throughout the year?

To top it off, hardly anyone even thanks you for gifts nowadays. Am I the only one that's bothered by this? I mean, how hard can it be to write a simple "thank you" note?? Heck, I'd be content to just get an email or a message on facebook! Half the time I don't know if the person even got the gift because there is literally no acknowledgment. I'm sad to admit that I have stopped sending gifts/money to relatives who don't show any appreciation for them. Mostly I would have stopped sending after a certain age anyways, but after so many years of figuring that our gifts didn't matter enough to them to even provoke a response- I quit sending. It makes me feel like Scrooge sometimes, but I just don't see the point any more. Am I just being selfish? I don't know. But I want to use my time and resources to do things to make people smile or to help someone in need. I don't want to waste them on people who seemingly don't care.

Would it be different if I was rolling in dough? Maybe. But it's not like we have unlimited funds. We struggle to keep up with our own obligations and try hard to live free of debt. This often means that we go without. We don't get all the new toys and gadgets, furniture and cars that a lot of people have, and we're okay with that. (Well, David and I are... Aimee isn't always so understanding!! lol) So when we go shopping for gifts we want to make sure we're using our resources wisely and are getting those things that will let someone know we're thinking of them, that we wish we could be with them, and that we love them. When it comes right down to it, there's no gift in any store that can really do that, but it's the thought that counts, right?

Relatives often don't believe us when we say we don't want anything for Christmas. Literally though, if you want to make me smile- donate to heifer.org or a local food pantry! The few material things we do want/need are not ones we would ask someone else to take the responsibility of buying for us. At most, I'd love to get some little homemade trinket or a recent photo.

My wish list is very simple. I don't want knick-knacks, gadgets, dvd's, or even money. What I want is to be able to spend time with the people I love. I want to have a happy day playing games, watching a Christmas movie, talking, laughing, and just enjoying each other. I want to focus on the fact that it is a celebration because Jesus Christ was born. Because of Him I have hope! I have peace, joy, and love in my life because of the miracle of that first Christmas day. I want Christmas to be a second day of thanksgiving- to acknowledge that God has blessed us above and beyond everything we need to sustain life and, more than anything, that He has blessed us with mercy through the gift of His Son.

May your Christmas be filled with the light of Christ's love and the peace that comes from accepting His gift.

General Update

2010-12-10T14:30:00.002-05:00

Aimee got her license!! I am so proud of her. She was very nervous before the test, but she passed on her first try. Now she's convinced that we should let her take David's car any time she wants. (Yeah, right!) Soon she'll need to learn to drive my car (stick shift) so that she really can go more places by herself!

Chloe is sold! I was a little sad to see her go, but since I don't want to spend money each month to keep a large lawn ornament, it was a relief to know that someone else is going to love her and work with her. I won't miss working out in 20 degree weather but I will miss the fun I had with her on the ground. All my hard work paid off in one major way- she loaded into the trailer with NO PROBLEMS! One of her first owners told us that Chloe was "crazy" and took over 2 hours to load into a trailer as a young horse and there was no way she would even try it with her again. Is it wrong for me to want to call this lady and brag about how Chloe was loaded on the trailer within 10 minutes and was a little scared but still calm??!!

I had a tooth pulled 3 weeks ago and had a partial denture put in. (It may be the world's smallest!! lol) It's meant that I've made a trip once a week down to Florence, KY to have the thing adjusted. The pain has been excruciating at times and I've been taking a lot of advil but hopefully the process will be done soon. I would have gladly opted for an implant but cost was a major factor. I can add that to my wish list for Santa, I suppose. (Don't get me started on the whole dental insurance thing again!!)

I've also been meeting with the Jehovah's Witnesses once a week. Don't freak out- I am in no danger of being converted! I have to admire people who are so diligent in their beliefs that they go out every week to teach others about God's word (as they understand it.) It's been very interesting to learn what their beliefs are. I wish I had this opportunity with people from many other faiths/beliefs. I can understand and respect how they've come to believe most of what they do, but in my heart I KNOW it's not quite right. It's made me more and more grateful for having the true gospel in my life. I know how arrogant that sounds, but after learning about so many other religions (including Christian denominations) nothing fills me with the sense of peace that Mormonism does. It doesn't mean that I never doubt or question some doctrine, but when I look at what else is out there- I haven't found anything that has so much truth in it.

A lot of my scripture study lately has been directly related to these sessions with the Witnesses. It's been great to go back over our basic doctrines and study the scriptures more in depth to see what I think God's word says. It has really strengthened my testimony. (I'm sure the Witnesses would be disappointed to find that their study has had the opposite effect of what they're hoping for!)
It doesn't surprise me at all that there are so many different religions all based on only one bible. If I can read one thing and think it means something, and then have them read the same thing and find out they think it means something entirely different... it doesn't take much to imagine how many other interpretations there would be! I think that they think I'm nuts sometimes when I tell them what I believe because it's often drastically different than their own beliefs! I wish everyone had the opportunity to try to see their beliefs through someone else's eyes. It's fascinating.

David has some great news. One of his sons, who he hasn't seen in almost 17 years (they were adopted by their step-father) is coming to visit! We are really excited about this. He will be here the week after Christmas and we are looking forward to getting to know him better. Aaron, David's son, has gone through a real transformation over the past few months. He used to be bitter and very angry about the past but has worked to forgive, move on, and accept Christ's healing power. It's amazing to hear the difference.

Most of my days are plenty busy but with the kind of stuff that no one really wants to hear about. I guess that's why I haven't been blogging as much lately. I'm happy enough when there isn't a lot of drama in my life so it's not a bad thing to just be doing the stay-at-home Mom thing.

The Rugged Path

2010-11-19T06:00:00.001-05:00

I love walking outdoors. Correction- I love walking outdoors on a nature path or trail. I don't particularly enjoy strolling along on a paved path along a lake or through some neighborhood. (I still find ways to enjoy those walks, but they aren't first choice for me.) I prefer to have gravel and dirt under my feet, trees and other obstacles, varied terrain, and even some steep parts.

This got me to thinking about my path in life. I'm not often on the smooth, paved one that just goes around and around in a predictable pattern. No, my path is usually winding up and down, around trees, through creeks, over logs, and requires plenty of exertion. I think I prefer it that way. After all, we never get any stronger if we don't face and overcome obstacles. If we want to hike to the top of a mountain we're going to have to master the hills first.

I imagine heaven as my long sought after vista... that moment when you push through the trees into a sunny spot that looks out into forever. The path to get there isn't easy or smooth. In fact, it's one heck of a climb... but the view will be well worth it!

General Updates

2010-11-16T14:38:00.003-05:00

Here's Aimee all dressed up for Halloween. She was a hazmat worker. It's cool when your dad lets you borrow his work stuff!

Don't get between this cat and his Dr. Pepper... LOL

Chloe before a ride.

So here's a little of what I've been up to lately:

Trying out new recipes. I found a good lo-mein recipe and a friend shared her fabulous cinnamon roll recipe. I've also made some homemade bagels in the past few weeks. It's amazing how much more cooking I'm doing now that I'm home more often!! (My family is loving it... I'm not sure my waistline is though!! lol)

I've also been doing more reading. I'm slowly working my way through some of Emerson's lectures but have also fit in some easier quick reads in between. One of the best ones I've read lately was "Same Kind of Different As Me." I'd recommend it to everyone.

How about TWO game nights in one month?! We had one last Friday, which was tons of fun, and will have another on Saturday. Soon I'll be re-inviting friends we've had over before (we've been inviting people to get to know them better, but it's time to start having some of our old faves back again too! Makes me wish I could do it every Friday so I could invite ALL my friends! Or that my table was bigger... If you've only gotten one invite so far and want to come back- let me know!) It's hard to believe that someone who struggled so much with social anxiety disorder could come to enjoy get-togethers, but I guess it helps that it's at my house (comfort zone) and in small groups. (Hey, I never claimed I'd end up a party girl who likes large crowds!) Once more I'll ask: anyone want to join us who hasn't so far? I don't want to leave anyone out and I'd love to get to know you better!

I've learned a hard lesson lately. Sadly, this lesson means that I am putting Chloe up for sale. As much as I've enjoyed the experience of working with a horse again, I've found that 1) I really don't like being out at the farm alone. I would rather do an activity that includes someone else (I have plenty of alone time already!) 2) My riding skills just aren't as good as they need to be. If I had an older horse to practice riding on or even an enclosed area to ride Chloe, I might improve. But there have been too many falls and a decline in confidence for both Chloe and me so it's best to find someone who has the skills to help her progress. 3) She's another expense we really don't need. I can't justify even the low amount of board I pay when we've got medical, dental, auto and other needs. I'm sad to give up the dream of owning a horse, but honestly, this isn't quite what my dream looked like. Mostly I'll just be relieved to find Chloe a new home. Maybe someday I'll be wealthy enough to keep a well trained horse at a facility that has other riders and trails and stuff, but for now I'd rather spend time with my husband, daughter and friends.

I'm starting to work on crafts that will be Christmas presents. I love how the Relief Society has helped me do great projects for the past 3 years to make as gifts. This year's is especially cool. I'd give more details, but on the off chance that any of the recipients read my blog, I'd hate to ruin the surprise! (Maybe I'll take pics when they're done and post after Christmas...)

Now I'm looking for MORE crafts to do. So far sewing and scrapbooking haven't really inspired me, but I'm hopeful that I'll find some more neat ideas to try. I've found that I have a real talent for DOING the crafts (my eye for detail means they get cut, put together, painted, etc. very well) but I have no real creativity. So whatever I find has to show an example or be a kit. But I can make it look dang good!

I've also been working on making my yard look loved again. Not like it's going to look great for fall or winter, but at least the lawn got a last cut, the leaves have been raked, and the gardening boxes have been cleaned up. I have hope that next spring my yard will be a fabulous explosion of flowers. Now if I could just make myself sit down and actually PLAN it out so it doesn't look like a hodge-podge of whatever flowers caught my fancy at the gardening center... (Am I the only one loves buying the discounted plants and trying to bring them back to life? I always feel sorry for them and figure I'm only spending a buck or two so it's worth a shot!)

One of my good friends noticed that I look different since being released. She kept staring at me as I sat in Primary, trying to figure it out. So I asked my husband if he thought I looked different. His answer was "yeah, you look a lot more relaxed!" I think he nailed it. I'm glad that how I feel is showing because I AM feeling a lot more relaxed. I'm going to take this time and enjoy myself for a bit. Maybe I'll figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. For now, though, one day at a time is fine by me. Besides, I find plenty enough to keep me busy each day!

Great Poem

2010-11-15T08:02:00.002-05:00

I love this poem and thought it'd be nice to share it with everyone.

by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

Answer to Anonymous' Comment (see previous post)

2010-11-03T10:45:00.002-04:00

I can understand where Anonymous is coming from, to a certain extent. I do believe that people need to be responsible for themselves, including their health. But from their post I would surmise that they are either a business owner (who can't afford or doesn't want to provide health/dental insurance) or one of the lucky upper middle class who has a job (or a spouse with a job) that does provide good benefits. It's going to be very hard for anonymous to relate to what I'm talking about in either case.

From the nerve that anonymous hit, I'd say that there are more than just a couple of us who are trying our best to use our resources wisely but still can't get ahead. Knowing what I know now, should I have gone with a cheaper home? Probably. But good luck finding a $100K home 6 years ago in a decent neighborhood. And it would take even more luck to sell ours today because it's value has dropped by $10K or more. Are there items in my budget where I could cut back (even more) and save $50-100 a month? Maybe. But honestly, that little amount wouldn't be enough to cover all the medical and dental needs we have- we would still be struggling. We do have a newer tv because our old one died, but we didn't go into debt to buy it and it's not a fancy, expensive one. I also have a cell phone, but it's the same basic (free) model I've had for the past 4 years. I don't buy designer clothing, have a new car (or car payments) or go out to eat hardly ever. Our vacations are usually close to home and we don't get to travel out of state to visit relatives hardly ever. In other words, we live pretty frugally. Am I wrong, then, for wanting some sort of a break to help with necessary care? I'm not talking orthodontics or plastic surgery here- just the basics!

As for expecting a company to pay for these needs- no, they shouldn't HAVE to provide health and dental insurance (certainly not covering the entire cost) but it used to be that companies wanted to keep their good employees and would provide perks like health and dental benefits to keep them around. I realize that with the current economy there are far more workers than jobs and companies (in general) have no need to worry about employees leaving. But look at the service you get at most places and the products that are often made. You can't tell me that treating employees like they are a dime a dozen is really that great for our country as a whole.

Would we use extra pay for health and dental if the company provided that? Well, we already do. We use after tax dollars to pay for private insurance for my daughter and myself, to fund an HSA account to pay the medical/dental bills. When my husband got a small raise, we opted for the dental insurance, which costs close to the exact amount of the raise. Even though it doesn't provide most of the coverage we need, it does provide some. It would take a much larger raise than what he got, though, to provide for what we need.

And lest anonymous think that I'm one of those draining the health care system: I see the doctor once or twice a year, am in good health (great cholesterol, blood pressure, etc.) and am on no prescription medications. Same for my daughter. So we pay out of pocket for health insurance to cover us "just in case."

If I sound a bit annoyed with the whole situation, it's because I am. All I want is to be able to afford the same basics that my parents had without having to struggle every month to do so. I think employers should feel a responsibility for their stewardship over their employees. I think they should provide decent benefits when possible. And I think the system needs to be changed to make that possible again. (I understand that the costs are getting too high for a lot of smaller companies to carry.) I'm just frustrated and don't know where to turn or what to do to start the ball rolling on the changes that need to be made. It sucks to feel helpless and stuck in a system that grinds down those who often work the hardest.

Middle Class Gap

2010-11-01T08:28:00.006-04:00

I've identified a huge (and pretty literal) gap for the lower middle class: dental care.

If you're lower income you often qualify for medicaid and can get basic dental care, at least for your kids. If you're upper middle class or higher there's a good chance that you're working for a company that offers decent dental benefits.
But if you're stuck in that income range that's too high for public assistance but not high enough/privileged enough to get good dental coverage at work, you're pretty well screwed when it comes to dental care.

It's hard enough to try to make ends meet when you're in this income bracket. You make just enough to pay your bills but not really enough to save up for retirement, major emergencies, or really good dental care. Most people in this bracket are already faced with the high costs of health insurance because employers have been cutting back on benefits and unloading most of the financial burden on the employees. Dental care ends up being a true luxury.

Heaven forbid you get a toothache. Dentists aren't known for their compassion or generous natures. If you can't afford to have a tooth taken care of, you're out of luck. You can either go into debt to have it properly taken care of (and root canals, crowns, etc. can cost more than a hospital stay), live with the pain, let it continue decaying, or have it pulled. There aren't many other options. And to a family that's just surviving, going into debt for one or two teeth isn't really a viable option, especially with multiple family members in need of care. How do you pick and choose whose teeth are more important?

Or do you just give up and go with this option?:

When I look around and see good, hardworking people who haven't been able to get proper care for their teeth because they are in this dental no-man's land, I can't help but think that there's something wrong with the system. It's hard to want to "get ahead" and be independent and self-reliant when it's so much easier to go with a lower stress, lower paying job and just accept all the benefits available to lower income families. What's the point of trying to take care of ourselves if:
a) we can't really afford to do a good job of it, and
b) the government is willing to provide more care for less effort??

Can we see why so many people don't bother to work hard and try to realize the "American dream" anymore??! (Is it starting to feel more like the "American nightmare"??) Wouldn't it be nice if companies actually rewarded hard work and integrity with good benefits and reciprocal loyalty? I'm not so young that I can't remember a time when that was the case.

And yes, we are one of those families in this situation. If anyone would like to subsidize our dental care, we would happily take donations. (And I'm only kinda kidding about that...)

When "Helping" is Hurting: The Struggle is Part of the Process

2010-10-30T06:00:00.000-04:00

How often do we try to "help" someone else and actually end up hurting them?

I think that women are especially prone to do this. When we see a family member, friend, or even a stranger struggling, our first response is to relieve their suffering, take away the pain, make things all better. (That's what good, charitable, Christians do, right??!)

But what if, when we jump in so quickly, we're actually denying that person the opportunity to feel the pain of a wrong decision? We could be keeping them from going through a growth experience that's been tailored specifically for them. It could be Heavenly Father's way of getting their attention or trying to get them to turn to Him. What about when we take their burden on ourselves when it was going to be their blessing to grow stronger from carrying it with help from God?

Not only can we harm someone else by removing an obstacle that has been put in place to change their current direction, but we can end up wandering with them in crooked paths because we've let ourselves become entrapped in their situation.

I know that as Christians we have covenanted to help and bless others. As Mormons we took on the additional covenant to carry one another's burdens, mourn with those who mourn, comfort those in need of comfort (Mosiah 18:9.) But I think we have to be very careful that we're not stepping in to carry someone else's burden of sin or error when what we should be carrying is the burden of loving them through whatever struggles they face. We have to have great insight and discernment to know how to help in the right way.

Think about it this way: if you had a major problem, would you automatically turn to your mother, spouse, friend, or anyone else and ask them to "take care of it" while you go back to your normal routine? Would you be comfortable laying the burden of your responsibility on someone else's shoulders? Would you be able to dump your problem on someone who had no involvement in creating it? For most mature people, the answer to these questions would be a resounding "No way!"

So why do we feel the need to jump in and offer to do those same things for someone we love? Why would we want them to skip the problem-solving steps that will enable them to mature and develop better judgment?? I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father would much rather have us support our loved ones by encouraging them to turn to Him for input on how to solve their problems. He's going to have much better answers than we ever will! And even when His solutions are hard, and aren't what we would have proposed, we need to share our faith that His ways are better than our ways. We need to love those who struggle, support them with listening ears, caring hearts, and appropriate help. But we shouldn't be keeping others from experiencing hard things when it's the right thing for them.

Emerson Makes Me Think

2010-10-29T06:00:00.000-04:00

Here are my thoughts on a few quotes from Ralph Waldo Emerson. Some of his stuff I totally get, and other times, I feel like I need a translator! I'm happy to share some of the things I've been reading that have struck a chord with my soul.

"Each man has an aptitude, and can do easily some feat impossible to any other."
Isn't it wonderful to think that YOU can do something (easily!) that someone else couldn't do at all? To you your talents may seem inconsequential or even non-existent, but someone else is probably looking at you and admiring how well you do that and thinking it's impossible for them to do the same!

This quote follows that same line of thinking:
"Each man is a new power in nature; has an aptitude which none else has; is a new method, and distributes things anew."

"What is a day? To a stone, it is duration; to an ox, it is hay, grass, and water; to a rational man, it is a splendor of beauty and opportunity."
I think I'd rather be a rational man than a stone or an ox, anyday. I guess I should focus more on the beauty and opportunity of the day and less on the duration!

This next quotes made me stop and think about this amazing world we live on. To think that God made everything on it to work in such harmony and without any perceived effort is humbling. There is great power in God's creations, whether man or nature.

"Our Copernican globe is a great factory or shop of power, with its rotating constellations, times, and tides, bringing now the day of planting, then of reaping, then of curing and storing; bringing now water-force, then wind, then caloric, and such magazine of chemicals in its laboratory. The machine is of colossal size; the diameter of the waterwheel, the arms of the levers, and the volley of the battery are out of all mechanic measure, and it takes long to understand its parts, and its working. This pump never sucks; These screws are never loose. This machine is never out of gear; the vat, and piston, and wheels, and tires, never wear out, but are self-repairing.

"There is no porter like gravitation, who will bring down any weight which you cannot carry, and, if he wants aid, knows where to find his fellow laborers. Water works in masses, and sets his irresistible shoulder to your mills, or to your ships, or transports vast boulders of rock nicely packed in his iceberg atmosphere a thousand miles. The water, that daily miracle, a substance as explosive as gunpowder; the electric force contained in a drop of water being equal to that which is discharged from a thunder cloud. But its far greater power depends on its talent of becoming little; and entering the smallest holes and pores.

"You admire the lake; -now look at that cloud-rack that overspreads it in the morning. That is the same lake in the air. Now a picture, now a bed for angels, hangings of adornment for the stars of God;"

"Issues" and Repairs

2010-10-27T08:00:00.001-04:00

We all have "issues" and I'm definitely not immune. I don't want to go into any details about my upbringing or try to blame my parents or anyone else for the things I deal with on a regular basis. I'm sure my basic personality and personal choices have had as much an impact on my mental health as any of that did anyways.

Some of my "issues" are:

I have an almost insatiable need for approval from others. I can't stand feeling like I've let someone down or that I haven't done good enough. I will give most things my very best effort in the hopes that someone, anyone, will notice and approve. What's funny about this, is that with many things I really don't care what others think (the way I look or dress, what I believe, etc.) but with many other things I constantly feel insecure about my abilities and crave reassurance. It often makes me feel like a child who can't/doesn't want to do things on my own and is scared of failing.

I never really got to figure out who I was before I became a wife and mother. I've literally been married since I was 18 years old and I don't know who I am outside of that role. I'm still learning to figure out what I really enjoy and what's really important to me. My life wouldn't be what it is today if I hadn't taken the route I did so I try not to regret, but sometimes I wonder who I could have become.

I have a very hard time asking for help. It doesn't matter if it's something as simple as asking my husband to do the dishes because I'm sick, or asking a friend to help me with a project- I hate asking for help. I don't like feeling helpless, incompetent and needy. I will literally make myself ill by continuing to do everything myself rather than admit that I can't do it and actually ask for help. I know it must drive David crazy because I will complain about not getting any help from him while still refusing to ask for it. (And men love to be asked!)

I still keep most things to myself. I don't open up to hardly anyone. Which seems almost false on the face of it, since I freely share so much on my blog, but I still hold a lot of my feelings deep inside. Especially painful feelings. I don't want to admit that I'm hurting and I certainly don't want to be vulnerable. It takes a very patient, persistent, and perceptive friend to get me to confide.

Who doesn't want to feel needed, wanted, accepted and loved? I think these are all basic desires that everyone has. It's only when they aren't met that we run into serious "issues." Unfortunately for us, no one has the perfect family when growing up or as an adult, or even when we have a family of our own. We're all broken, just to varying degrees and in different ways.

It gives me hope, though, to know that we DO have a perfect Heavenly Father. He loves us unconditionally (whether we believe it or not at this point.) He will never let us down, abandon or abuse us, criticize us or condemn us unjustly. He is always listening, waiting for us to turn to Him for fatherly advice and help. He wants what is best for us and loves us even when we don't make the right choices or turn out the way He wanted us to. He has no "issues" of His own to impose on us and to thwart our progress. He is perfect and He loves perfectly. We only have to trust Him and open ourselves to that love. He can heal us, no matter how badly we've been damaged or broken.

I may still be being put back together again, but I can look back and see the cracks that He's filled, the pieces He's glued back on and the missing parts He's replaced. It's okay to be a "work in progress" as long as it's the Master that's in charge of the repairs.

Another New Blogger

2010-10-25T18:00:00.000-04:00

David has finally decided to join the world of bloggers! It's been fun to read his thoughts on things. Check it out at http://davidshotbuttontopics.blogspot.com

String of Bad Luck

2010-10-23T21:30:00.001-04:00

I've noticed a pattern: often when someone gets released from a major calling, a string of bad luck tends to follow them for awhile afterwards. (Maybe I should name it the "Ex-Leadership Curse"?) Well, it's definitely struck us.

1) Chloe got injured. Cha-ching. Vet bills.
2) Aimee's cat got an infection. Cha-ching. Vet bills.
3) David's car needed new axles. Cha-ching.
4) David's car needed new tires. Cha-ching.
5) Medical and dental bills keep piling up. Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching.
6) Someone slashed all four of the brand new tires on David's car. Double Cha-ching. (It was just under what our deductible is so it was all out of pocket, again.)

I'm not saying that there haven't been any blessings lately, or that life is horrible- I'm just tired of seeing our savings flying out the door so quickly and having so many things go wrong in such a short span of time. I also know that we're not the only ones experiencing trials and that things will get better. I have to have faith that God will continue to provide if we end up totally broke.

Oh, and I'm not ready to forgive whoever slashed the tires yet. I'm still ticked. I don't understand why anyone would do something like this. Our car was in our driveway, nobody else's cars were hit (so this wasn't just a random "slash all the tires on the street" thing), and we haven't had any run-ins with neighbors, co-workers, students, etc. It's frustrating to keep wondering "WHY US??" and have no answer.

I'm hoping my next post will be full of sunshine and happy thoughts. I keep reminding myself that there's a lot of beauty and goodness in this world. There are a lot of good people out there. Trials come and go but God is faithful and sees us through each of them. Soon I'll start praying to be able to forgive, too.

My Thoughts on This and That

2010-10-23T10:11:00.003-04:00

I've had a few thoughts here and there lately, but nothing earth-shattering or probably of any real interest to most people.
But, my husband is complaining again that I haven't blogged in awhile so I'll share some of what's been running through my head:

Alma 28:13 "... we see how great the inequality of man is because of sin and transgression..."
We're all equal in the eyes of God, until we sin. Sin is the only thing that can distance us from God and create an inequality with our fellow brothers and sisters. In reality, sin is the only thing we have to fear. There should be no fear of criticism, rejection, losses, or even death. I was watching a show recently where the man was saying that he doesn't know how to "love the sinner and hate the sin" and he thought it would be far better to say "love the sinner and hate your own sin." I couldn't agree more. If we were all focused on avoiding and repenting of our own sins, we wouldn't spend so much time worrying about everything else. Sin is the only thing that can destroy us, and it's the one thing that is entirely within our own control.

From the book "The Churching of America" (Roger Finke and Rodney Stark):
"What is one person's reward... may be of little or no value to someone else, which is what makes human culture so rich and varied."
This is so true! What matters to me is quite probably of very little interest to many other people, and vice versa. If we all wanted and did the same things, life would be terribly boring! But, being the humans we are, instead of looking at our differences in the light of what we can learn from each other and how much we each contribute, we focus instead upon how weird, stupid, or vain someone else's "reward" seems to us. There are definitely some higher rewards and purposes in this life, but in general I think we're all striving for the same things: love and happiness. The only thing that sets us apart in this quest are the roads we take to find them.

From "The Selected Lectures of Ralph Waldo Emerson":
"Abuse is proof you are felt."
In other words, if what you are doing is causing opposition, you can be sure that your efforts are not in vain! You are creating waves and causing feelings that are probably uncomfortable to someone else and their natural reaction will be to "abuse" you through criticism, anger, hatred, etc. Let's just hope that we're fighting for the right cause!

Now to a different direction...

Watching the news last night I saw a story about how Haiti is being hit with a cholera epidemic. In the same half hour we were told that politicians are raising and spending money for their campaigns at record levels. It seems to me that there's something wrong with this picture. How sad to see so many millions of dollars wasted on hateful ads for the sole purpose of gaining power while there are so many of our brothers and sisters who don't even have clean drinking water. Do I really care which is the lesser of two evils in this election? Not as much as I care about someone contracting cholera just because they don't have access to what is a staple of life: clean water.

Speaking of politicians and government: Whose idea was it to install cable barriers along I-275? In the six years I've lived here, I've heard of very few accidents where someone has crossed the median on I-275 and ended up in the opposite direction's lane. So what is the purpose of this costly endeavor? Whose pockets are being lined? It sure doesn't make sense to me to put up miles and miles of unnecessary cables for our "safety and protection" when there wasn't really a need in the first place. (I can see where the cables could be beneficial on some high-risk stretches of highway, but not along most of I-275.)
Why couldn't they use that money to repair some of our roads that are in deplorable condition? Or maybe send some of that money to our fire and police stations? Would it kill them to not spend money they don't have? If I ran my family budget the way our politicians are running the national budget, I'd have lost everthing (and probably be in jail) for non-payment of debts. It doesn't make any more sense for the government to be living on credit than it does for an individual or family.

Great song

2010-10-09T12:54:00.002-04:00

I love this song. It's currently my favorite. It has such a great message. I wish I could have figured out how to put the video on here but you'll have to do a search for it.

Lead Me by Sanctus Real

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone.

"I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone.

"So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I am called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't you lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing dreams that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this out home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Sea of Tears

2010-10-07T06:00:00.004-04:00

DISCLAIMER: I am not currently depressed. I am okay. But I do have a history of depression and I think it's okay to share what it's like when those feelings start to overwhelm me.

Sea of Tears

darkness wraps it's tendrils around my mind
as the smile slides off my face
into a sea of sadness and fears
that threatens to swallow me whole

I feel myself falling
slowly being engulfed by the salty waves
until the will to fight is extinguished
and pain replaces my breath

I am no longer struggling
merely drifting with the motions
in the sea of tears

Strength to Run

2010-10-05T06:00:00.001-04:00

Mosiah 4:27 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

I know a few runners. They could easily outrun me in any race. They are better able to keep up a fast pace for a longer distance. I, on the other hand, am a slow creature. I wasn't built for speed. Just look around the animal kingdom for examples of animals that are and are not made for speed. It's not just an excuse- some really are built to run faster. (Picture a cheetah versus a hippo...)
That's not to say that I couldn't run faster than I do now. I could get serious about training and go out running every day to increase my speed and stamina. Let's be honest, though- I'll never be an olympic contender!

But this got me thinking about what it really means to run faster than I have strength for. If I was a fast "runner", I could keep up a strenuous pace of activities. I could probably schedule more items in a day than I do now. But because I am a slow "runner" (technically just a walker) I have to pace myself and be careful not to overdo it. If I let myself get caught up in comparing how far ahead someone else is running, I'm probably going to get discouraged and want to give up.

If I'm wise and take into account my levels of spiritual fitness, energy, and health, I'll push myself a little beyond what I'm comfortable with, but not so far that I pull a muscle, strain a tendon, or otherwise injure myself (spiritually speaking.) By not being content to just be a slow walker, I can eventually strengthen myself to become a runner.

It doesn't matter what our level of fitness is in regards to the gospel. What matters is that we are diligent in moving forward, working to increase our strength and speed, while being careful to maintain that health and balance that will bring optimum results. We cannot run faster than we have the strength to, but we can steadily increase that strength and become more fit to do the work of God.

We might as well enjoy the strength we have and take advantage of it while we can. As we age we will become slower. Time takes it's toll on even the fittest of bodies. We need to be prepared for the day that our strength will only allow a shuffling walk, and know that God is just as satisfied with the efforts of the feeble as He is with the fit. God gives out prizes to those who finish, not just those who finish first!

General Conference Highlights

2010-10-04T15:33:00.003-04:00

Here are a few of my favorite thoughts from General Conference: (with the disclaimer that I really stink at writing things down word for word so there are no quotes, just the gist of things.)

Jeffery R. Holland: I needed the reminder that I am loved of God and am not insignificant.

There was a definite theme of "Follow the Prophet" during this conference. Claudio R.M. Costa and Kevin R. Duncan both pulled from Ezra Taft Benson's talk entitled "14 Fundamentals in Following the Prophet." I loved hearing all 14, twice! I'm guessing that we haven't gotten that principle down perfectly if we need to hear it twice in one conference. It's too long to put all 14 in this post.

David M. McConkie's talk about teaching was helpful. Here are the bits of wisdom I gleaned from it: What matters most in learning is attitude- the attitude of the teacher. Successful gospel teachers love the gospel. The Lord will magnify us in our callings.

D. Todd Christofferson:
Signs of a consecrated life are 1. Purity 2. Work 3. Respect for One's Physical Body 4. Service 5. Integrity.
All honest work is the work of God.

Robert D. Hales asked a very good question: Are we practicing selective obedience?

Neil L. Andersen:
Life is no spiritual picnic. The road of discipleship is not for the faint of heart.
"Offended" has a corrosive companion called "ashamed."

Richard G. Scott:
Faith and character are intimately related. They interact to strengthen each other. The bedrock of character is integrity. Your character is a measure of what you're becoming.

Henry B. Eyring:
Lack of trust in God brings sadness. God does not rule in nations, but He is mindful of them.

Thomas S. Monson:
We often only see what is lacking. We need to pause and contemplate our blessings. Refuse to remain in the realm of negative thoughts.
Pride destroys our gratitude and sets up selfishness in it's place. Gratitude requires conscious effort.

M. Russell Ballard:
Lucifer is a clever and cunning adversary. He knows our hunger or weaknesses. He tries to hook us with artificial lures, he is the counterfeit "fisher of men."

Obviously this is not a comprehensive list of each speaker and all of my notes, just the highlights and tidbits that touched me the most. What a blessing to be able to hear such great counsel twice a year!

Recent Pics

2010-09-29T06:00:00.003-04:00

A good "Mommy-Daughter" picture. This was one of the few where we weren't being goofy. Nothing like a digital camera and two slap-happy gals to kill some time!

Aimee "torturing" Bear.

Aimee & I being silly.

David looks good in black & white!

I fell off Chloe early last week. Here's what part of the injury looked like.

(I didn't get any good pics of the scratches up and down my arm.)
I didn't even realize that I was scratched up until I had David check to see how bad the

bruising was. There was very little pain associated with this but it looked so gruesome I wanted some pictures of it!!

This is later in the week when the bruising was showing up better and the scratches had healed. (Aimee held her hand up to it to show how large the bruise was.)

Released and Relieved!

2010-09-26T15:45:00.000-04:00

It's with a bit of relief and also sadness that I reflect a little on the time I've spent as a Relief Society president. I literally feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's getting easier every day to focus more on my family and home responsibilities and not have the constant thoughts about the needs of the sisters. I'm really going to miss certain parts of the calling, though. I enjoyed being able to meet with some sisters that I normally wouldn't have had much contact with. I loved getting to know many of the sisters better. And I had finally gotten pretty comfortable conducting on Sundays and will miss being able to sit up front and see the faces of the women I've grown to love so much.

After all is said and done, the two main things I learned as Relief Society president are:

1) God loves everyone.
It doesn't matter who you are, what your situation is in life, or what other people think of you. He loves you. And I was blessed to be given a small portion of that love for every single woman in our ward. It's hard to put into words the feeling that I've had for the women I've served. I've gotten to know many sisters that others have judged to be different, weird, annoying, or hopeless. In every single case, I've found a reason to love that sister. I've felt the all-encompassing love that God has for each of them. Not once have I ever met someone and felt that God didn't care about them and neither should I.
The love I was given for others only amplified the pain that I felt when I would hear of a sister who felt she had been judged, shunned, or didn't fit in. This didn't mean that I was somehow immune or blind to certain sisters' idiosyncrasies. I often got to know others quite well, warts and all. I saw the things that set them apart and sometimes made them hard to understand. But I could also see that under it all was a good person who had the same feelings as every other woman on this planet. And I knew without a doubt that each sister was special to God.

2) God will make weak things strong and He will get me through any challenge I face.
I can only pray that I remember this one as I face future trials and challenges. It's human nature to trust in Him for awhile but quickly forget His power when faced with something new and scary. I was confronted by so many of my fears and insecurities over the past 3 years and haven't completely conquered many of them, but I was given the strength and help to do everything that was asked of me. Whether it was teaching a class, talking to people I didn't know, being in charge of so many things at once, or just dealing with the overwhelming scope of my calling, God carried me through it all.

I am so thankful for the opportunity I had to serve in this capacity. I couldn't have done it without the amazing women who served by my side and many who served behind the scenes. Every one of you has taught me and shown me examples of who I want to be.

Welcoming Others

2010-09-23T08:55:00.003-04:00

Sometimes when you move into a new ward (congregation) it seems like there are cliques of people who have been there forever and they're just not looking to accept new applicants at this time. It's hard to feel like you're on the outside or on the fringes of a group, wanting friendship and fellowship but being ignored. We may automatically start judging the groups and thinking that they're snobs, or unfriendly, or even downright rude.
It's not until we've stuck around long enough to have gotten into one of these groups that we realize that many of those people have simply been protecting themselves. The wall they've built isn't to keep people out, it's to protect from the pain of saying goodbye. It's hard to welcome someone, start to get to know them, learn to really love them, and then watch them leave. Some days it's much easier to gather with the group of friends who have been around "forever" and not open yourself up to someone new.
Unfortunately, both sides lose when we do that. Not only do we miss out on the opportunity to be a friend to someone who may need us at that particular point, but we also deprive ourselves of the blessing of having that person in our life. Sometimes the people who will mean the most will be those who are only in our lives for a brief time.
So if you've ever found yourself holding back from getting to know someone new, think about how you would feel if you were in their shoes. Think about how scary and lonely it can be to be the new kid on the block. It doesn't get much easier just because you're a grown-up. Think about how much it's meant to you when someone has met you in a situation like that and has befriended you. Even if you didn't become best friends, I would bet that you still feel gratitude and love for that person.
We can't really let God's light shine through us if we block it off with a wall. Take a chance; welcome others; love even though it might hurt. That's what Jesus would do.

Tribute to Elder Sudweeks

2010-09-17T06:00:00.003-04:00

This is for Elder Sudweeks, who didn't think I would dare to put his bit of wisdom on my blog:

"Verily, verily I say unto you... he who goes to bed with itchy bum, wakes with stinky finger."

My apologies to those whose sensitive natures have been offended. (Admit it, though... you laughed too!!)

I hope his family and friends are as happy to have him home as we are sad to see him go.

We Could

2010-09-09T09:31:00.003-04:00

If I was a single raindrop
I could drown a gnat
Or relieve the thirst of a mouse

But if I was part of a rainstorm
We could fill wells
And melt into the earth
To become part of everything that grows

If I was a single sunbeam
I would shine dimly
And struggle to share my warmth

But if I was one of millions of sunbeams
We could bring light to the darkest day
And give energy to every living creature

If I was a single body
I could do some good in this world
Until I reached my limits

But if I was part of the human family
We could join together to change the world
And love would become tangible

Temptations and Escapes

2010-09-08T07:32:00.003-04:00

1 Corinthians 10:13: "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

Temptations are the common lot of mankind. They take many forms and can come at any time. The faithful are not immune to temptation. But God has given us the hope of knowing that He is faithful and will provide an escape from our temptations. He doesn't promise that the way will be easy or pleasant, and the choice will still be ours as to whether or not we take the escape, but He does give us that option.

When I think of escaping the first thing that comes to mind is that there has to be something that is shackling or holding you in some way that you need to be released from. It is something real and tangible, even if not visible. Our temptations may be as gentle as a flaxen cord or as strong as the walls of a prison. Our escapes may vary as widely as do the temptations.

How do we escape? I think of underground tunnels, secret passages, and ladders being let down through a window or over a wall. To make an escape usually takes effort and can be difficult and even dangerous, but it is also life-saving. In our daily lives an escape may be a scripture or hymn that comes to mind, a memory of how repentance has worked in our life, a feeling of what might happen if we follow through with the temptation, or at times something more miraculous like being forced to leave a situation. It's up to us to recognize what the escape is and to decide to follow God rather than our own carnal desires.

By taking advantage of the escape that God offers we are given additional strength and have hope that the next time we face a particular temptation we will be better prepared to resist it and will be able to more quickly recognize the escape that's being proposed. To be able to bear a temptation doesn't mean that we won't ever be tempted by it again, or that we will somehow gain immunity. But it might mean that as we gain more experience in resisting temptations that the temptation is less strong, less appealing, or that we are less affected by it.

We have to follow the admonition given in verse 12: "Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall." Even if we end up strong enough that a particular temptation is no longer a draw for us, there will be many others to take it's place. We are never strong enough to stand on our own.

We have to turn to God for guidance, help, and strength to continue to want to escape. We have to know His laws and commandments to be aware of the adversary's attempts to chain us to a life of misery and pain, and continue to hold on to the hope that God has promised us peace and joy if we are faithful and just keep trying.

The Most Painful Things in Life

2010-09-07T07:17:00.004-04:00

Two of the most painful things in life:

1) Losing something you love. Any time your heart is bound with something else, it hurts to lose it. It doesn't matter if it's a person, a pet, a relationship, or something else you hold dear. The degree of pain may differ, but when the heart hurts it often doesn't differentiate between degrees.

2) Longing for something you can't have. This isn't much different than losing what you love, except that you've never been given the full chance to see that love blossom and grow. You feel in your heart what it could be but know that it won't ever be. The most painful is usually longing for love; whether it's being alone and never finding that special somone, or the ache that comes from wanting and not being able to have children, or even from being in a relationship where love is not readily expressed, the pain can be like a thousand tears forever waiting to fall.
"For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these 'It might have been'." (John Greenleaf Whittier)

How do you live with unhealed pain? How do you live with regrets? And how can you really regret those things that you would change now with hindsight, but know that to change them would be to deny the good that has also come?

Some losses will never be fully recovered from, some longings will never fade. Somehow we have to pick ourselves up and focus on the vibrancy of the life we've been given. We have the hope of healing through the atonement of Christ. It may not be in this life that the pain is erased, but eventually we will be whole again, and the pain we've felt will be put in perspective. Our joy will outweigh our pain and we will celebrate what our mortal journey was.

Really Great Quote

2010-09-05T09:00:00.000-04:00

I found this quote and wanted to record it somewhere. I thought my blog would be a good place since that will give everyone else the chance to read it too!

"If education is a matter of self-realization and man is the image of God, then how important the gospel is in moulding that self. To the timid, the self is a refuge, a retreat from the world; to the bold, the self is a strategy to engage it.

We have to venture outward into experience; then the outward experience brings us back into a new self-knowledge. That is the essence of education, best undertaken with a companion called faith." (David P. Gardener, "Religious Growth: A Fourth ‘R’ in Higher Education," New Era, Sep 1976, 41)

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things...

2010-09-03T22:01:00.004-04:00

-family

-friends

-the smell of fresh cut grass, especially in the morning
-sunrises and sunsets
-the caress of a gentle breeze across my face
-cheerful flowers
-laying in the grass in the dark watching the stars
-cold fronts during summer
-thunderstorms
-good conversation
-getting to know someone
-walking barefoot through grass
-the sound of crickets chirping
-hummingbirds and butterflies
-colors
-playing in water
-the gentle whisper of snowflakes falling
-being outside
-accomplishing something challenging
-getting mail
-learning
-solitary country roads
-music that makes me feel
-laughter
-time alone to read a good book
-warm blankets on cold days
-cute socks
-dreams that make you wish you could sleep forever
-days when the reality you wake up to is worth leaving those dreams behind

-and last but not least... LOVE, in all it's forms!

What I Found in My Much-Neglected Yard

2010-09-01T07:23:00.006-04:00

This one would have been deadheaded but it was still being used:

I love zinnias! This guy was easily 3 inches or more:

It keeps working out that when the weather is really nice (perfect for yardwork) I'm too busy with other stuff to get anything done outside.
For the past two days I've been slowly working on making my yard somewhat presentable again. The flowers have been deadheaded, weeds have been pulled, dead plants plucked and disposed of. Sadly, most of this work has been in my backyard where most people won't even get to see it! But the grasshoppers and butterflies seem to be enjoying it, and I love looking out and not seeing a jungle.

Random Updates

2010-08-30T09:33:00.004-04:00

I've been able to ride Chloe a few times again. I'm still kinda nervous but am getting more comfortable with it. Saturday I went out to the farm with David and did a 45 minute ride. She did pretty good. Still working on helping her with her confidence, especially away from her barn buddies, but she's responding well to the lessons.

Later that evening David and I attended the adult session of stake conference. It was great. I especially loved hearing Elder Marriott speak.

Sunday we went to stake conference and were able to take one of Aimee's best friends with us. Aimee was asked to give her testimony at the meeting and she did an amazing job. I am so proud of her. It's really neat to keep watching her grow and mature.
David got an emergency call right before Aimee had to talk in stake conference. The timing was incredible. He was able to come back in and sit down long enough to hear her testimony, then he had to leave. There was no way I was pulling her off the stand so I told him to go ahead and we'd find a way home. Talk about trusting God to provide! We were literally stranded with no transportation. I'm so thankful that Melisa was willing to forgo a visit with her daughter in order to help us out. David didn't get home until midnight so it would have been a LOOOONG wait!

Aimee is taking a couple of AP classes this semester and the teachers don't cut them any slack, even for the first week. Ugh! She had to make up the summer work for the one class, too, because she was signed up for a different class originally. Needless to say, most of her weekend was spent reading and doing school work. It's fun to discuss what she's reading in her human genetics book. We had a lot of great mommy-daughter time yesterday and had conversations on just about everything under the sun!

I'm looking forward to book group this Thursday. I've actually finished the book and really loved it (it's "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett.) It was one that was hard to put down. I'm just happy to have been able to do some reading in the last week or so! It's pitiful when you have a library book sitting on your shelf for a month and a half because you have no time to read!!

This morning I should be cleaning my house and getting the lawn mowed, but just seeing the forecast makes me feel lethargic. I'm so tired of the heat! I'm starting to really look forward to fall, even if it means that winter is right around the corner!

Glad it's Not Last Week Anymore!

2010-08-23T11:29:00.007-04:00

Whiskers and Buddy

Me "torturing" Dewey

I'm not even sure what to write. I've been in a funk lately, physically, spiritually, and mentally. I feel really blah this morning and not inclined to clean house and do laundry and make phone calls. I'll do it anyways, though.

Last Monday I got bucked off of Chloe (she was startled by her obnoxious mule companion suddenly racing back to the barn as if a predator was on her heels. Since I had just barely mounted Chloe when she decided to try to run for her life also, she was able to buck me off.) I ended up with a pretty severe pinched nerve running from my neck down to my fingers. The chiropractor helped quite a bit but nerves are notoriously slow to heal. It's been hard trying to slow down and not do everything I want and need to be doing. It's especially frustrating to have had so many injuries lately. That's really unusual for me and I don't like it! I don't think I'm going to do old age very well... the thought of being slowed down and having more and more aches and pains is just depressing.

Thankfully today I'm able to turn my head both ways and do light housework without a lot of pain. I still have to be careful about lifting and not overdoing it, but it's encouraging to feel my body mending bit by bit.
As if another injury wasn't enough, it seems like literal craziness has been attaching itself to me all week. One weird phone call/situation after another. I really enjoy most of the people I talk to but sometimes it's overwhelming to get so many strange things going on at once (and not even be able to discuss half of them!)
I'm hoping that it was just the full moon and that this week will normalize.

Aimee is doing her last day of driving for driver's ed today. We've got to work on getting the rest of her behind the wheel hours and then she can test for her license! Yay!! It's great watching her take on new challenges and learning life skills. She also starts school tomorrow. Hard to believe she's a junior already. She'll be in the Teacher's Academy program which helps prepare her for becoming a teacher. It means she'll be commuting over to our school district's other high school each morning and then back to her school for the remainder of her classes. She's also taking a couple of AP classes, is on the student senate, and will be attending early morning seminary, serving as secretary in the Laurels and serving on the stake youth committee. No worries about her not being busy enough!! She's really maturing and becoming quite the young woman.

All things considered, life is good lately. I know I can't expect to have smooth sailing every day so I try to take the wind and rain in stride as much as possible. I'm even getting better about dealing with last minute stuff. (Although I still prefer things to be well planned out!!)
Hopefully soon I'll have something better to post. (Oh, yeah... the pictures don't really have to do with anything. I just got tired of seeing nothing but words!)

Casting Out Demons

2010-08-15T17:27:00.004-04:00

I've been thinking about the kinds of things that Jesus did when He was here on the earth and one thing has got me puzzled. It was well documented that Jesus cast out demons/evil spirits in multiple people. It sounds like it was almost a common occurence. He even charged His apostles with the responsibility of casting out demons as well as preaching, healing the sick, and raising the dead. (Matt. 10:1, 10:8)
Here's where my confusion comes in...

What happened to casting out demons? I don't think I've heard of a single instance of any evil spirits being cast out of anyone. Did demons quit possessing people? (I've met a couple people that would make me believe otherwise...) Do we just not use that particular power? To make it more confusing, how do we tell when someone is possessed with a demon? Are there certain criteria? Is it listed in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)?

One thing I did notice as I was reading about instances of casting out spirits is the time Jesus cast out the "legion" of demons into the herd of swine (Mark 5:1-13.) It's really interesting (to me) that Jesus had to actually give the evil spirits permission to enter the swine. I think that as humans we are the only creatures who have been given the freedom of choice to make it possible for a demon to possess us. I don't think they're allowed to do it forcibly. We probably wouldn't consciously make that choice if we understood what we were doing, but I think that some of the choices we make would make it possible for us to come under the influence of an evil spirit. Swine, on the other hand, are incapable of making their own choices in such matters, and I think they (and other animals) have been given protection from being forcibly taken over. Hence, the need for Jesus to actually give permission for the legion of demons to possess the swine. What's fascinating is that the swine (possessed against their will) immediately ran down a steep place and drowned themselves in the sea. The swine couldn't bear to give up their bodies for even a short amount of time. Yet people seemed to regularly choose to do so.

Are we the same way today? Do we somewhat unknowingly let ourselves be taken over by an evil spirit? Do we give up our freedom so easily? What are our modern day "demons?"

I don't have the answers. This is just the way my mind works when I get to thinking about something on a rainy day.

"Perfect" Mormon

2010-08-03T06:00:00.000-04:00

I look the part of the "perfect" Mormon on Sundays. I've gotten very good at it. I show up at church dressed nicely, I smile at others, am cheerful and do (almost)everything I'm asked to. You won't hear me yell or cuss or tell naughty jokes. I even try to pay attention to the talks and lessons.
Sometimes, though, I think I should be less "perfect" at church. Maybe frown a little when I'm cranky? Die my hair pink? Get a noticeable tattoo?? Crack out some potty humor? Something that shows that I haven't always lived the life of a good church-going girl. Enough to let others who aren't comfortable with church know that I was them once. Some days I want to advertise the fact that I made huge mistakes in my life, because I believe that if I can overcome them, so can anyone else. I want to be an example of hope to those who think they're too far gone.
Sometimes I wish I had the guts to get up and announce that if you're a sinner, if you've made mistakes and done things you wouldn't want anyone else to know about, come sit with me because I can relate.
My dilema, though, is that while I'm quite open with most people about my past and will willingly share my story with those who need to hear it, I've found that the straight and narrow path is so much more comfortable and joyful that I don't want to step foot on the wrong path again, not even for a moment (because a moment can be so tempting.)
So for now I'll forgo the tattoo, dyed hair and anything else that would mark me as rebellious. I'm happy enough looking the part of a "perfect" Mormon because that's who I really am inside now. I may not be able to keep that wonderful, peaceful feeling all week long, but for those few hours each week I'm going to revel in the privilege of being in God's house and celebrate how Jesus Christ has changed me.
Come sit with me. Get to know me. I may not be the poster child for a "perfect" Mormon woman, but I've found something special in this gospel. It's life changing and amazing and I'd love to share it with you.

Foundations

2010-07-31T06:00:00.000-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm horse crazy. I've always loved these beautiful creatures and have taken every opportunity that's presented itself to work with them. I also love the gospel and enjoy pondering scriptures and gospel principles, and I think I've stumbled upon a way to tie them together:

Matthew 7:24-27
24 ¶ Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:
25 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.
26 And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand:
27 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.

Here's how I can relate this scripture to horses and humans:

If you want a good saddle horse, one that you can ride safely and enjoy being around, you have to give it a good foundation. Most of the problems people have with horses stem from a lack of ground work (the foundation.) If a horse is trained to be respectful, attentive and responsive on the ground it will usually have the same characteristics under saddle. But if you neglect the foundational training on the ground you can end up with a horse that doesn't listen, is pushy and maybe even dangerous when you try to ride it.

Humans are a lot like horses in a way. It's interesting to realize that a lot of the problems we have tend to result from a lack of foundation in our lives also. If we try to live our lives without Christ as our foundation we are much more likely to stumble along unknown paths and resist the direction that could get us safely home. We are like a willful, disrespectful horse that is pulling against the bridle and trying to go our own way, when our rider (Christ) is only trying to get us safely through the obstacles on the path that lie ahead. The biggest difference between a horse and a human, though, is that we have to build our own foundation. A horse hasn't been given the capacity to read manuals and learn how to be a submissive, respectful animal. It has to have a person teach it.
We, on the other hand, have been given all the tools to help us build a solid foundation: scriptures, the spirit, freedom of choice, church fellowship, etc. Jesus will give us the strength to put each block of our foundation in place, but it's up to us to decide to build, get the supplies and get to work.

Horses are much happier and well adjusted when they understand what their owner/rider wants from them. They can be willing partners who enjoy working. Likewise, we can be happy, well adjusted humans if we learn what God wants from us and then do it. If we have a good foundation we will be content knowing that God wants what's best for us, even if we don't see the end of the path clearly right now.

The difference between having a sandy foundation and a solid one can be night and day. It can mean the difference between living a joyful life with faith to work through the obstacles that come our way, or living a miserable life as we stumble into those same obstacles and constantly question why our life is turning out this way. It's all in the foundation.

Spiritual Eating Disorders

2010-07-27T07:35:00.003-04:00

“feast upon the words of Christ … , the words of Christ will tell [us] all things what [we] should do” (2 Ne. 32:3).

Eating is a normal part of everyday life. Everyone has to do it to survive. It's sad that many people don't understand that they also have to feed their spirits, that our souls need nourishment too. I think that we sometimes slip into the patterns of spiritual eating disorders, and it can take a lot of "treatment" to bring us back to a healthy way of life.

The first (and probably most prevalent) spiritual eating disorder would have to be anorexia. This would when a person either severely restricts their spiritual diet by not reading scriptures, not praying, etc. or by being so controlling over it that they miss the spirit of it entirely and their spirit grows thinner and weaker.

The next disorder would be bulemia. This would be characterized by periodic but zealous gorging on the word. It would include those who feel the fire of testimony kindling within them, jump in wholeheartedly and focus so much on the scriptures or other parts of the gospel that they miss sight of the life they're supposed to be living and the people they can be helping, and soon grow weary from the severe effort they're putting forth and give up entirely, often reverting to anorexic tendencies.

Finally, we have binge-eating disorder. This is similar to bulemia in that the person will often "binge" on the gospel... throwing themselves into it with abandon. But it's often more sporadic. You'll see them at church for awhile, maybe a few months, and then they fall away again. They often have a sense that their life is out of control and struggle with finding balance.

All of these disorders are usually accompanied by a deep sense of guilt or shame. Seldom will sufferers feel the contentment, joy, and peace that God intended us to have.

Treatment options for these disorders is limited. There are no drugs that help, no instant cure. It takes consistent but balanced effort to stay in recovery. Following a 5 Step Program like the following may help:

1. Pray. Talk sincerely to Heavenly Father. Do it often!
2. Study the scriptures. Don't just glance over them or do it so you can check it off for the day. Really take the time to find out what God is saying to you through His word.
3. Go to church. There is strength in the fellowship of other believers. Let their testimonies help to lift you.
4. Serve others. Quit focusing on yourself and your problems and look around for someone in need. Do something nice for someone else.
5. Do an honest assessment of your strengths and weaknesses, giving thanks to God for those things you excel in and asking for help with the things you struggle with. Recognize that God has a unique purpose for your life.

I think that we can all see ourselves in one or more of these disorders at one time or another. We will probably need to be in "recovery" for the duration of our lives. It takes God's grace to overcome them, but He is willing to help us take the steps. He wants us to enjoy the feast without guilt.

Motes and Beams

2010-07-14T08:51:00.002-04:00

"Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother's eye." Luke 6:42

It's funny how we often look at others and see faults in them. As humans we love to compare ourselves to others, either to our benefit our to our detriment. We seldom seem content to look for God's acceptance and quit worrying about how we measure up to others.

It struck me as I was reading this verse that if we would focus on our own faults and sins and not focus on what others are lacking we will end up seeing them in a whole different light. As we work to remove our "beam," which would obviously create some impediment to our vision, I think that we'll often find that the "mote" we thought we saw in someone else was, in reality, just a shadow of our own beam. We tend to project our own faults, insecurities, sins and shortcomings on others because it's easier to look at it in someone else and judge them as lacking because of it, than it is for us to take an honest look at ourselves and realize that we are just as lacking. The human tendency is to take the easier route, and it's far easier to judge others than it is to change ourselves.

In the end, though, we stand alone at judgment before God. We won't be able to whine to Him and say "but so-and-so did it too" or "at least I didn't do what she did." God doesn't accept excuses and He doesn't compare us with someone else.

We need to turn to Him for mercy and grace to overcome our "beams." The wonderful thing is, that He is always there, with His arm outstretched, waiting for us to reach up and take His hand. He will give us strength and power that we could never have on our own. He can take away the obstacles that cloud our vision and help us see others the way He sees them. And if we can do this, we won't be so worried about what others have or haven't done. We'll just love them and want to help them. As we do, we'll find that we're becoming more like our Savior. He didn't focus on motes or beams in others. He focused on the possibilities and potential, and so should we.

Just to Appease My Hubby

2010-07-05T10:25:00.002-04:00

David keeps bugging me about updating my blog so I'm doing this just for him.
Unfortunately, I don't really have much to say. My finger is all healed up (I'll have a cool looking scar to remind me not to be stupid again!) Aimee had a great time at girl's camp last week. It was quiet around the house while she was gone but David and I enjoyed some time alone, even if we were so busy that we didn't actually relax much (except for one night at King's Island... found out we both love Flight of Fear!!)
Somehow the summer months have been even busier than the school months, which came as a surprise to me. Usually things slow down some and I'm at able to catch up on sleep, but I haven't hardly slept past 7am (I think I've slept as late as 8:30 three times. That's it.)
I'm trying hard not to sound all whiny and negative in this post. I'm dealing with severe pain right now and it's making me kinda cranky. David keeps mistaking my pain looks for dirty looks. I did something to my back and/or hip and the pain ranges from barely bearable to excruciating. I saw the chiropractor on Thursday and got a little relief (enough to walk again) but the pain was back in force by Sunday. I'm really grateful for David, he's really been helping me out a lot over the past week since I'm mostly stuck sitting on the couch (even laying down hurts.)
The good news is that Sunday is over so now I should be able to rest a little more. I taught in Relief Society on Sunday and I think it went well. Had a lot of participation from the ladies, which usually makes for a good lesson. I had meetings on Sunday until 2:30 and then had to go out to do a food order, come home and grill burgers and dogs and eventually watch fireworks from the high school parking lot.
My mother-in-law came for a visit on Friday and it's been nice to catch up again. She was able to ride with me to pick up Aimee from camp on Saturday (and got to see the silly, giggly side of her granddaughter... it's fun to listen to two teenage girls when they've had very little sleep!!) My MIL heads back up to Findlay sometime today but will be back on Friday with my sister-in-law and two nephews. I'm hoping my back lets up some by then so I can fully enjoy the visit! (And get my house properly cleaned!!)
Now I'm off to buy fabric at Joann's so that Aimee can make the rest of her clothes for trek. I'm so thankful that Sarah H. is willing to help her make them. Not only are my sewing skills remedial at best, but at this point I wouldn't be able to physically help much with it. I think Aimee is actually getting excited about trek, now. (A huge turnaround from 3 weeks ago when she was refusing to go!!) I think it'll be a great experience for her.
The last update is on Chloe. She's doing fantastic. She's leading well, learned to tie, has been getting used to all sorts of scary stuff (like spray bottles and waving hands!) and I've actually been able to get on her and have David lead her around. (Won't try that again until the pain lets up though...) I'm very happy with her progress and am praying that my body heals enough to be able to keep working with her!
That's my update for now. It's nothing exciting or probably even interesting, and I haven't even written about 75% of the stuff I've actually been doing, but now my hubby can't say I haven't updated it in weeks!

Typing with 9 Fingers

2010-06-22T07:47:00.003-04:00

If there are typos in this post, I apologize in advance. I'm finding it pretty difficult to type with only nine fingers today. Which leads to the story of why I'm typing with one less finger...
Yesterday morning I got up and headed to the farm to work with Chloe before the heat of the day... we had a fairly good training session and I was looking forward to coming home and getting showered. But then I noticed that my bushes were really overgrown and looking shaggy so I decided to get the hedge trimmer out and make them look better. I was doing good until my neighbor a couple doors down yelled over to me that I had about half an hour before the storms hit, which was news to me! I didn't recall hearing anything about thunderstorms for that morning. But the faint rumblings in the distance gave credence to her warning so I sped up.
Bad choice. Never rush when working with electric cutting tools of any kind!! As I reached down to move part of the last bush out of the way I made a sweep with the trimmer and did a great job of catching my left middle finger instead. I knew the moment I did it that it was more than just a "slap on a band-aid" kind of cut. Ooops.
I ran inside, rinsed it out and wrapped it with some paper towels while telling Aimee to go find some guaze to wrap it in. Then I went back out to put away the trimmer. After I came back in and got the gauze on it and taped it good and tight I decided there was no way I was sitting in an emergency room for who knows how long in dirty clothes and soaked with sweat. So, to my daughter's amazement and consternation, I covered the finger with a baggie, taped it up tight and hopped in the shower. If you've never tried to shower using only one hand, try it sometime... it's interesting to realize how much you depend on that second hand when you're used to it!!
After the very quick shower and getting dressed I had Aimee drive me to the ER (she wasn't keen on me driving since I was a little light-headed!) Thankfully, it wasn't an overly busy day in the ER and they got me into a room quickly.
I did great until they decided to pull of my bandaging to "take a look." Ugh. That's when the pain hit. Ouch. It didn't take long before I was looking forward to having it stitched up!!
Now I've got six stitches on my finger and currently it's wrapped up like a sausage. Can't wait till I unwrap it later so I can take pictures of it. Luckily for everyone who reads this blog, I'm way too squeamish about wounds to have taken pictures of the before.

I'm totally amazed at the blessings that came even with an accident like this. First, I was on the last bush... so I'm not left with a yard that's half done and looking awful (which would have added insult to injury!!) Second, I managed to cut my finger without hitting the bone, tendon, or nerve. The ER doctor said my cut was pretty minor compared to many of the hedge trimmer accidents he sees. I'm so thankful it wasn't any worse!! Third, my daughter has her driver's permit so she was able to take me to the hospital. And it was summer so she was home to help me. Fourth, there is amazingly little pain. Once the doc got it numbed and stitched the pain was back down to a very bearable level. Now it only bothers me if I extend the finger too far and stretch the stitches. I've had no need for even an advil. And last of all... I'm not supposed to do dishes for a week or so! David and Aimee are being very loving and kind and stepping right up to help so I get a break!! (This is NOT the preferred way to get out of doing dishes, though. I'm sure that paying someone else to do them would still be cheaper than a visit to the ER!!)
All in all, I'm a very lucky gal, even if I do only have nine usable fingers for now!

Gotta Love Craigslist!!

2010-06-12T10:21:00.003-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE horses. They have always been my passion. It's been a couple of years since I've been able to ride and much longer since I've owned one of my own. I'm always thinking and scheming and trying to figure out how to be around/ride/own a horse. Well, thanks to a wonderful couple who used craiglist I am soon to be the owner of a beautiful 2 1/2 year old Tennessee Walker/Morgan pinto mare! I don't think I could have found a better agreement: we pay board at their farm for 3 months and the mare is mine. That's it. Just pay to keep her there and work with her and then I'll own her!! It's incredible! And I'm so happy with the farm too. She's pasture boarded but with a barn for shelter... which she and her companions (small mule, donkeys, pygmy goats and chickens) all use during the heat of the day. This mare may prove how desperate I am to own a horse again... she's not broke to ride and we're starting out with the very basics with her. It's going to be a challenge, but one I'm enjoying already.

Here are a couple pics of "Chloe"

Finding a horse isn't the only thing that's been going on, though. Aimee has officially finished her sophomore year of high school- yay!! Looks like she's got all A's again for the last semester. I'm so proud of all of her hard work! She's a busy young lady. Thursday she spent all day at King's Island with a friend, which is nice because they can ride all the coasters I don't really want to! Yesterday she left for Hocking Hills with the young women from church. I'm hoping it's not raining as badly there as it is here!! They'll be back by this evening and I can't wait to hear all about their adventures. Next week Aimee starts summer P.E. class and will get her physical so she can be on the tennis team. Her good friend Erica has been working on teaching her the basics of tennis to get her ready- I hope she enjoys it! At the end of the month she heads off for a week of girl's camp as a Youth Camp Leader. Add in the summer school projects and she's got enough to keep her occupied for awhile!

I have to eat crow about my last post, too. David's company did decide to give him a small raise this year. So I have to take back what I said about not giving raises for three years. We're just thankful to see any small increase.

Oh, and this month's game night was fantastic!! I love getting together with friends and having such a good time with them! I'm glad they made time to join us. I'd love to work up to having two game nights a month (especially during the summer) because it's so much fun and I'd love to have even more friends over. Too bad I don't have room to have 4-5 couples at a time. That limits us a little, but small groups are good too! I've also decided that everyone should have friends over at least once a month, for two reasons: 1) it's good for your mental health and 2) you know your house will be cleaned really well at least once during the month!! lol (I know I'm not the only one who cleans a bit more thoroughly when guests are coming over!!)

I hope everyone else has been having as good a week as I have!

Input Needed

2010-06-02T22:10:00.004-04:00

It's heartbreaking to have your teenage daughter ask what's wrong with her, that makes other people not like her. How do you teach someone how to be likeable? How do you help a teenager get past their sullen nature to blossom into the beautiful person that's lurking inside? How do you help someone understand that manners really do matter a lot, and that the way they sit sometimes presents a different picture to others than what they would want to portray? It's not like I haven't been trying to teach my daughter all about service, love, manners, consideration, and acceptance.

What's even sadder is to hear that a couple of my good friends have actually made comments about not liking my daughter. I'm assuming it was within the walls of their house where they thought the comments would stay, but kids talk... and unfortunately they've told my daughter, which makes her feel even worse about herself and leaves her feeling confused as to why these people don't like her, especially when they've pretended to to her face.

Honestly, I'm not sure why they don't like her either. Sure, she has her faults. She can be a sullen, moody, selfish teenager. But there's more to her than that. She's also got a great sense of humor, is a loyal friend, has a strong desire to do what's right, and has many incredible talents. Her teachers like her. Her best friend's mother likes her. I like her. So why don't YOU like her?

What more can I do to help my daughter learn to be more "likeable?" What is it that she's done (or not done) that she should change? I'd love some honest input on this because frankly, I'm stuck. She's a teenager and not always real open to the advice of her mother, but I'm happy to keep working at it because she's so worth it.

Feel free to comment anonymously because I'm sure my good friends won't want to admit openly that they're the ones who have said they don't like her. I'm not bitter or angry about it, just sad and confused and would love some answers.

"How to be a Boss for Dummies"

2010-06-01T10:05:00.004-04:00

It doesn't seem like it would take much common-sense to figure out how to be a decent boss. But I guess it does because we've run across a few gems throughout David's career. I don't think any can top the man he's working for now, though.
So here's a basic "guide for dummies" for anyone who is thinking of going into management or business:

What NOT to do:
1. Think of yourself and your pocketbook before everyone and everything else. Protect your interests at all costs.
2. Treat people like property instead of assets. Convince yourself that you own them and act accordingly.
3. Send out rude emails on a regular basis.
4. Don't give raises for three years in a row. Especially to one of your highest producing managers. Don't worry about cost of living increases either.
5. Micromanage. Make sure you know every single detail of every thing going on. And then tell your employees how to do every single step of the process. This is especially good with a highly experienced and capable manager.
6. Ask people to bring toilet paper and paper towels from home so the company doesn't have to pay for them. (No joke... this happened.)
7. Cheat your clients as often as you can get away with it.
8. Tell everyone you're a Christian but do everything possible to prove that you don't follow Christ's teachings.

On the other hand, if anyone is interested in how to be a great boss:

What TO DO:
1. Be generous. The more we give, the more we tend to receive. What you spend on advertising, salaries, equipment, etc. will usually pay for itself and create additional revenue.
2. Treat your employees well. You won't have to worry about loyalty if you treat people with respect, make them feel valued, and pay them fairly.
3. Be polite. It goes a long way.
4. Reward productive employees well. That way they don't take that talent elsewhere and earn money for someone else.
5. If you have experienced, capable managers, supervisors, or employees, tell them what to do and then back off and let them do it!! It helps prove that you have confidence in them and lets them have the freedom to use their creativity and knowledge.
6. Be known as the kind of company someone would WANT to work for. Make sure your employees needs are taken care of.
7. Be totally honest and fair with your clients. Clients learn quickly who they can trust and who to use on a regular basis. You can only get away with cheating clients for so long before they catch on and take their business elsewhere.
8. Be who you say you are.
9. Follow the business practices of successful companies who have happy employees. Obviously they've got something figured out. Learn from them!! Read about good business practices and make positive changes.

Because of the economy and the desire to stay put until Aimee graduates, it looks like David will have to stick it out with this company. It's shameful that employers are able to treat people so badly just because they know they can hire someone to take their place. The economy won't stay bad forever, though. And we'll be open to moving within 2 years or so. Hopefully David will be lead to an employer who will value his experience, knowledge and capabilities. (And if something opens up locally before then... there's nothing keeping him at his current job!!)
My only option for now is to occasionally rant and then just pray that his boss' heart will be softened and that he'll come to a better understanding of how much he holds his company back with the way he treats people. Please pray for David to have the patience and self-control necessary to meet his boss' actions politely while still holding on to his integrity.

Why You Won't See Me Cry

2010-05-26T15:53:00.003-04:00

Some people are really comfortable with crying in front of other people. I admire that. I wish that I was emotionally secure enough to open myself up that way. But so far I haven't been able to overcome the years of conditioning that tell me it's not okay to cry in front of others.
I hate crying. Not only does it make me look like a bug-eyed alien, but it's physically draining and makes my eyes hurt. I can appreciate the emotional release it brings and agree that it's sometimes a very necessary function. But I still hate it.
To me, crying is a sign of weakness. No, that doesn't mean I think other people who cry are weak. It means that in my family crying was a visible sign of weakness. And weakness means you're vulnerable. Maybe it was just my perception, but growing up it sure felt like any sign of weakness was pounced on, every show of tender emotion was attacked. Crying made you weak and vulnerable, and the more vulnerable you are, the worse you get hurt.
So I learned not to cry. At least, not in front of other people. My crying is done in solitude. Or I cry inside. But it's a rare occasion for me to be so overcome that tears actually escape my eyes when other people are around.
I wish I could say that this makes me a strong person who is able to handle hurts, but I think it means the opposite. I'm not able to be vulnerable enough with anyone to experience the hurt and get over it. It's the strong ones who are able to let their guard down and trust that their vulnerability won't be repaid with pain.
I truly admire others who cry freely and those who share affection and emotions just like it's second nature. I'm trying to learn from their example and leave behind the unhealthy patterns I've had for decades. Someday I want to be strong enough to cry. I want to be secure enough to let others see my hurt, and hopefully accept their comfort. I'm scared that comfort isn't what I'll get, though. And fear is a powerful motivator. So even though my mind says it's healthy to cry and open myself up, my heart says it's been hurt enough and there's no way we're opening that door.
I doubt you'll see me crying openly any day soon. I wish that sharing this meant that a door was opened to healing, but I think this is just a first step. Kind of like an alchoholic admitting they have a problem. I'm admitting it and accept that it needs to change. It kinda makes me want to cry.

Awesome Hubby Award

2010-05-17T07:30:00.002-04:00

The awesome hubby award for last week goes to... David!
Not only did he work a full week dealing with a not-so nice boss who treats him like property rather than a person, but on Saturday he replaced the belts and front brakes on his car and installed the radio he got for his birthday. Then, to top it off, he still went to King's Island with Aimee and I for a couple of hours. Add to that the fact that he's been reading "Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus" and helping us both to better understand each other and you've got a man who deserves an award (or two!) I'm so blessed!

Sand or Stone?

2010-05-10T08:11:00.003-04:00

I think I'd rather build on a firm foundation of stone than on sand. Whether it's a home I'm building or my personal faith, I can't think of any situation where sand would make a good foundation and support for any lasting structure.

I hope that as I pass through the storms of life that I'll find my foundation truly has been built on the Rock of our Savior and not on the sands of worldly knowledge and human capabilities. I'm not sure we really know with certainty what our foundation is until we pass through severe storms. But I want to do everything possible to anchor myself to Him right now while the weather is decent and the rains only fall intermittently.

I've seen too many friends and others who profess to believe in Christ (and I think they really do believe IN Him...) but when severe storms hit, their homes are shaken, their foundations start to shift and crumble... and all too often the next time we see them they have been swept out to sea and are drowning.

They've maken the mistake of believing IN Christ (believing that He exists, is real, has done miracles and is God's son) but they don't believe that He really will fulfill His promises to support us during the storms of life. There's a disconnect between their belief in Him and their trust in Him.
Faith isn't real until it's been tried. And it's not true faith if the doubt prevails in the hard times.

I'm not saying that we should never doubt, or that we can just sing our way through the storms of life. I think that real faith comes through doubting, questioning and wondering... but then searching, praying, testing, and coming to a sure knowledge of Jesus Christ as our Savior. I also think that we have to shore up that faith on a daily basis through more than just talking, thinking, and wishing. We have to build faith through actions (such as praying, studying scriptures, attending church, serving others, etc.) in order to be able to withstand the storms.

We have to face some hard stuff and remain faithful throughout to be able to see that Christ has kept His promise and has carried us through it. That's the hardest part- to keep believing, hoping and doing while not seeing any immediate relief to what we're going through. That takes the kind of faith that's been built on a solid foundation. No shifting sands will ever give us the security that a solid rock can. We can't put our trust in and make a foundation of anything in this life except the rock of Jesus Christ. He is real and He is solid.

But it's up to us to build our house on the solid rock. Jesus won't force us to do the construction. He just provides the blueprints and the building site. We have to put in the labor and pay for the materials. But it's so worth it when the storms come up and we can sit in the safety of our dwelling, watching the storm rage from our secure vantage point and knowing that when it passes the sun will shine again and we will emerge safe and sound.

What We've Been Up To

2010-05-03T08:32:00.004-04:00

Here's some of what we've been up to lately:

Aimee competed in "Music in the Parks" and their band received the highest rating! Way to go Northwest Band!! David and I were able to be at the competition to listen to them play and they did a wonderful job. We declined to join Aimee and her friend at King's Island (not wanting to being out in the rain!) but Aimee had a great time. She rode "The Beast" for the first time (which required overcoming some of her fear of roller coasters.)
Since we were in Loveland for the music competition and passed the signs for the Loveland Castle, David and I decided to stop by and see what it was all about. Talk about a fun little place to visit! If that castle didn't scream "old bachelor's place" then I don't know what would!! It was fun to hear the story behind the castle, and I was impressed with the builder's determination and stamina. I wonder if we'd all live to be 91 if we worked on building our castles every day...
For the past two Sundays we've taken Aimee out for more driving practice (well, more like, she's taking us!) We found a nice road out in the country and she was thrilled to be able to go 55mph. We'll need to practice lane changes more, but she's getting closer to her first time on the interstate (scary!!) She does more of the driving around town now and is getting better all the time.
Aimee has now applied to Hobby Lobby and Deb's for a summer job. So far, no calls, but we're still hoping. She's looking for somewhere other than McD's to work at and her only requirement is Sundays off. If anyone needs someone to do some cleaning, organizing, or babysitting... she's available!!
On Saturday I was able to pick up a few lovely ladies and go to our Stake Spring Relief Society Meeting. It was wonderful. (Well worth not sleeping in or staying home to do other stuff!) I was reminded of my testimony of the Temple and of God's love for each of us. To be able to be there with such great women was a definite plus!
I gambled on the weather and planted some stuff in my garden early. I've got tomatoes, onions, and bell peppers, as well as my strawberry patch (thank you Cassie- they're looking great!!) I've also cut back my oregano to make room for chives (thank you Rita!!) and I tossed in some garlic cloves that were sitting in my kitchen and started sprouting ( I know it's the wrong time of the year to plant them but I enjoy just watching them grow anyways!) I've purchased a few perennials on sale and will try to start other flowers from seed, so hopefully my front flower bed won't look so blah soon.
I don't think I got much else done last week. I was absolutely exhausted and not sleeping much, which left me feeling drained and lethargic. Thankfully I had a slow week with nothing pressing to do. We did get some good news, though... our homeowner's insurance agreed to pay for almost half of the new roof!! This is a HUGE blessing, especially since other expenses seem to keep piling up.
Oh, and an update on David... he seems to be fine (until he saw the hospital bill... that really could cause a heart attack!!) We think it's his stomach since the medication helped and he's not been having any more pain lately. Now he's back to hitting the gym a few times a week and eating all the usual junk food. Sigh. I really hoped this would be the opportunity to finally change to a healthier diet!! lol
This week is already shaping up to be much busier and the Lord has blessed me with enough sleep to feel human again... I know He'll give me the strength and energy to tackle each day as it comes. I'm going to try to enjoy the sunshine and spring weather!

Feeling grateful today

2010-05-03T08:17:00.002-04:00

Some days I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. There are so many needs and only one of me. I want to reach out to everyone I know and tell them how much I love them and be there to help them. Unfortunately, I'm mortal... and a fairly mediocre one at that. I'm often taken out by exhaustion, worry and discouragement.
But then I look around and see how well most of the women I know and love reach out to and take care of each other and I'm so grateful for the way they lighten my burden. Every act of service is a strength to me. To see such love in action is an example I need constantly before me. (Have I mentioned that I struggle greatly with cynicism??!)
When I'm really in touch with God I also remember to ask Jesus to share my load. When I put on His yoke it's so much lighter. He's so strong and willing to carry the majority of the burden. He makes it possible for me to do so much more than I can do on my own. Sometimes He even tells me "Stop... take a breather... I'll wait patiently while you take a break. When you're able we'll pick it up and head down that road again, together."
I know I've complained and made jokes about the stresses of my calling as Relief Society President. To say that it's stretched me would be an understatement. But I've also come to appreciate that I've grown in ways that probably wouldn't have been achieved any other way, or might have taken many more years to accomplish. This "trial" is also one of my greatest blessings.
I'm just so grateful for everything I've learned, for all the amazing women who have influenced my life, and for the tender mercies of the Lord.

Incredible Story

2010-04-26T10:45:00.003-04:00

This story was shared by Corrie during our Relief Society lesson yesterday. It was too good not to share.

The story is told of a couple who went to England to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary and shopped at a beautiful antique store. They both liked antiques and pottery,and especially tea-cups,and so spotting an exceptional cup,they asked "May we see that? We've never seen a cup quite so beautiful."

As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the tea-cup spoke... "You don't understand," it said, "I have not always been a tea-cup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled me pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled out, "Don't do that. I don't like it! Let me alone," but he only smiled, and gently said; "Not yet!!"

"Then, WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. "Stop it! I'm getting so dizzy! I'm going to be sick!" I screamed.
But the master only nodded and said, quietly; 'Not yet.'

He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then...he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. "Help! Get me out of here!" "Not yet." When I thought I couldn't bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool.

Oh, that felt so good! "Ah, this is much better," I thought. But, after I cooled he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible.. "Oh, please, Stop it! Stop it!" I cried. He only shook his head and said. "Not yet..."

Then suddenly he put me back into the oven. Only it was not like the first time. This time it was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate. I begged... I pleaded... I screamed...I cried... I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up and just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I cooled and waited and waited, wondering "What's he going to do to me next?"

An hour later he handed me a mirror and said "Look at yourself."

And I did... I said, "That's not me, that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful!"

Quietly he spoke: "I want you to remember, then," he said, "I know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had I just left you alone, you would have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled.

"I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life.

"And if I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't have survived for long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you."

(from: www.Spiritual-Short-Stories.com)

Richard Paul Evans Fireside

2010-04-20T16:22:00.003-04:00

I was thrilled to have the opportunity to go and listen to author Richard Paul Evans speak at one of our church buildings this past Sunday. Even though he was suffering from walking pneumonia he still came through and shared some wonderful words of wisdom with us.

Here is an outline of his "5 Doors to Achieve Your Greatest Potential":
1. Know that there is a reason you are here on earth at this time and place. Your life has purpose.
2. You cannot complete your mission or purpose here until you let go of the things that hold you back. Specifically, you must forgive others. In the next 24 hours ask God who you need to forgive and ask Him how to do it.
3. Do something. Take risks. Be a master of your own fate. Go for it. You can't live as a victim of circumstance. You succeed because of your trials and difficulties, not in spite of them.
4. You're going to hit roadblocks; embrace adversity. It's what makes you who you are.
5. Develop your ability to love. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice. We love those we serve. Learn to love the unlovable.

What a wonderful blessing it was to be able to attend this with my husband, daughter and an older sister from church. His message touched each of us and I'm so glad he took the time to stop and speak to us, even with his busy schedule. He's an amazing guy who has turned his challenges into great strengths. I'm glad he was blessed with the ability to convey such touching messages not only in person but also in his writing. I'd recommend any of his books, but especially his latest "The Walk."

2010-04-16T08:00:00.000-04:00

"As for aging, don't fear it. Aging is a return to your true self. The mind understands time, the heart does not." (From "Cat of the Century" by Rita Mae Brown)

Just goes to show... you never know where you'll find little tidbits of wisdom! (I certainly wasn't expecting any in this book!)

Thought Provoking Quotes

2010-04-14T15:34:00.003-04:00

I read "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley recently and didn't know until right towards the end if I liked the book or not. I thought it was fascinating that a book written in 1932 could be so current and that the core issues of the book could just as easily be debated today as they would have been back then. It was definitely a thought-provoking book.

The quotes I liked best were almost to the end of the book and were in almost direct contrast with the rest of the story, but that contrast is what makes the story so interesting and worth contemplating.

"We are not our own any more than what we possess is our own. We did not make ourselves, we cannot be supreme over ourselves. We are not our own masters. We are God's property. Is it not our happiness thus to view the matter? Is it any happiness or any comfort, to consider that we are our own? It may be thought so by the young and prosperous. These may think it a great thing to have everything, as they suppose, their own way- to depend on no one- to have to think of nothing out of sight, to be without the irksomeness of continual acknowledgment, continual prayer, continual reference of what they do to the will of another. But as time goes on, they, as all men, will find that independence was not made for man- that it is an unnatural state- will do for a while, but will not carry us on safely to the end...."

"A man grows old; he feels in himself that radical sense of weakness, of listlessness, of discomfort, which accompanies the advance of age; and, feeling thus, imagines himself merely sick, lulling his fears with the notion that his distressing condition is due to some particular cause, from which, as from an illness, he hopes to recover. Vain imaginings! That sickness is old age; and a horrible disease it is. They say that it is the fear of death and of what comes after death that makes men turn to religion as they advance in years. But my own experience has given me the conviction that, quite apart from any such terrors or imaginings, the religious sentiment tends to develop as we grow older; to develop because, as the passions grow calm, as the fancy and sensibilities are less excited and less excitable, our reason becomes less troubled in its working, less obscured by the images, desires and distractions, in which it used to be absorbed; whereupon God emerges as from behind a cloud; our soul feels, sees, turns towards the source of all light; turns naturally and inevitably; for now that all that gave to the world of sensations its life and charms has begun to leak away from us, now that phenomenal existence is no more bolstered up by impressions from within or from without, we feel the need to lean on something that abides, something that will never play us false- a reality, an absolute and everlasting truth. Yes, we inevitably turn to God; for this religious sentiment is of its nature so pure, so delightful to the soul that experiences it, that it makes up to us for all our other losses."

"But all the same," insisted the Savage, "it is natural to believe in God when you're alone- quite alone, in the night, thinking about death..."
"But people are never alone now," said Mustapha Mond. "We make them hate solitude; and we arrange their lives so that it's almost impossible for them ever to have it."

When I think of the world we live in today and the parallels that could be drawn between it and the "utopian" world described in the book it makes me even more grateful that I know of God, I believe in God, and I receive guidance from Him.
This book made me grateful for every painful experience I've had and for the normal irritations, grievances, and hardships of life; we can't have real joy without also having known real pain. This book shows very clearly that a "perfect" world would be perfectly awful.

Justice and Mercy

2010-04-07T12:21:00.002-04:00

"... if there was no law given against sin men would not be afraid to sin. And if there was no law given, if men sinned what could justice do, or mercy either, for they would have no claim upon the creature?
But there is a law given, and a punishment affixed, and a repentance granted; which repentance, mercy claimeth; otherwise, justice claimeth the creature and executeth the law, and the law inflicteth the punishment; if not so, the works of justice would be destroyed, and God would cease to be God." Alma 42:20-22

It's very true that God has given us laws that have set punishments affixed for disobedience. What's interesting is that we often don't know what the particular punishment is until we stop disobeying and start following the law. The punishment could be as simple as the withholding of blessings or as serious as losing the companionship of the Holy Ghost. They could be additional trials and roadblocks in our life or painful situations meant to encourage us to turn back to the source of peace and joy.
Some may seem to escape justice and punishment on the earth, but it is an illusion. They will be subject to the full effects of justice without the mitigating touch of mercy. Often those who seem to be profiting from their disobedience here on earth are feeling the affects of their disobedience but choose to chalk it up to outside influences or circumstances. How often does sin lead to depression, discontent, heartache?
The good news is that God granted us the gift of repentance so that we can be shown mercy. This usually means that the length or severity of our punishment is diminished throught Christ's atonement. We still suffer some of the punishment, but it's Christ who bears the brunt of it. It's like getting a few minutes taken off of a time-out or fewer smacks of a spanking. The punishment is affixed and has to be given in full, but Jesus steps up and takes the additional for us.
I think of my dealings with my own daughter. When she is disobedient it often angers me. But at the first sign of real remorse and desire to obey my heart is softened and I want to be more lenient with the punishment. She ends up benefiting from my feelings of mercy and love.
I think Heavenly Father feels much the same way towards us. When we are disobedient it makes Him mad. Sometimes He'll send some pretty severe punishments our way. But at the first sign of real repentance He lets Christ step in and offer to take a portion of our punishment. I can't imagine what it would be like if I had to pay the full price of every sin I've ever committed. I thank God that Jesus made it possible for mercy to have it's claim upon me.

My Week in Review

2010-04-03T10:38:00.006-04:00

Before

After

I'm curious as to where the break part comes in with spring break?? Although I appreciated the opportunity to sleep past 5am it somehow seemed unfair that with the exception of one day I never slept past 8am! Ugh!!
I had a good week, though. We found a prom dress for the Mormon Prom that Aimee will attend on the 17th, as well as new heels and a haircut for her. (Needless to say, she's quite happy!)

She's also had plenty of time behind the wheel this week and she's quickly gaining confidence in her driving ability. I think she'll be ready for the interstate way before I'll be ready for her to attempt it! We had plenty of mother-daughter time this week and it was mostly good. We even made it out for a couple of walks in the beautiful weather we've had. With everything else going on, it was truly a blessing to have such perfect weather for spring break.

Yesterday was the big day for our roof. We got a nasty surprise when they pulled off the shingles and found that the entire underlayment was bad. We knew we had some bad boards, but to hear that the whole thing had to be replaced was a bit of a shock, and a bit disheartening too. Did I mention that we had JUST gotten out of debt... and that our house has lost so much value that we couldn't even get a home improvement loan?? I just have to trust that the Lord really will continue to provide and will bless us in our efforts to get out of debt once again.
But... the new roof does look great! And now we won't have to worry about anyone falling through, or leaks, or anything else for years to come. (Hopefully at least until it's paid off!! lol)

Last night Aimee and I went to the Ronald McDonald house with a group of sisters (and one brother) from church. It was nice to be able to give the kids a chance to play some games, decorate cookies, and just relax and enjoy themselves. It brings into focus just how blessed we are to have healthy bodies. Somehow our trials don't seem nearly as big when we see what those kids are going through.

After getting home from the Ronald McDonald house we found David dealing with severe chest pain. Since it showed no sign of letting up we took him to the emergency room. The doctor was cautious and decided to admit him for observation. Aimee and I stayed until after 1am but had to head home for some sleep because I had to be up by 8am. It looks like he'll be going in for a stress test soon to make sure nothing's wrong with his heart, but for right now he is resting (as comfortably as a person can in a hospital) and will hopefully be discharged soon.

Now it's Saturday and I've been working most of the morning to get the house cleaned really good because David's parents are coming for a visit. I still need to run to the store and pick up a few items to make sure we're stocked for our guests... and wait for the call to pick David up!
It's been an interesting, sometimes fun, tiring week!

Aimee Is Driving!

2010-03-26T15:56:00.004-04:00

It's weird to have a child who's old enough to drive. Even weirder to actually have her driving me around!! Aimee has been very scared of driving. If you think about it, that's a very natural fear. To be behind the wheel of a vehicle is a serious responsibility and privilege. But we've been pushing her to practice driving and try to get more comfortable with it.
On Tuesday she actually drove to seminary (for those who don't know what it is... it's a very early morning religious class she attends at our church... which is about 15 minutes away.) This is the perfect time of the day for new drivers to be on the road- there's very little traffic at 5:15 in the morning!! And the route we take is easy... only a few turns, mostly straight roads... the only downside is that it's still dark outside.
So how did it turn out?
She did fantastic!! After arriving at the church (where we BOTH let out a sigh of relief!) she told me "that was actually kinda fun... maybe I should drive home too. I could even drive to the mall or something."
On Wednesday she not only drove TO church, but HOME too!! And she did good. I have to admit that there are times when I have to remind myself to take a deep breath because it IS scary. Not that she's a bad driver, but there are so many things that can happen outside of either of our control.
Thankfully, nothing bad did happen. She followed up by driving to and from on Thursday also. And even with it being dark she is doing wonderfully. Soon she really WILL be ready to drive to the mall!
(I'd happily post pictures of her driving, but I thought it'd be a lot more sane to help her with her driving than to take photos in the dark and blind her with the flash!!)