Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I DO have a sense of humor!!

Maybe I should explain why my blog seems so serious most of the time. I like reading the scriptures and I really enjoy spiritual thoughts and feelings. I also happen to have only one teenage daughter and I don't work. So I have often had the luxury of being able to sit and read and contemplate the scriptures or books or whatever. I fully realize what a huge blessing this is and I am also totally aware that 99% of the sisters don't have that luxury. (By the way, that time has been cut down drastically by being called as RS President... guess even God thought it was a bit excessive!!) I would have all these thoughts about what I had found interesting (or even confusing!) in what I read and I wanted to share my thoughts with another human. Unfortunately, my husband and daughter are not very interested in discussing scriptures in detail and get kinda tired of listening to me. Needless to say, I thought blogging was an absolute God-send! On here I can say whatever I want (and actually have the time to compose my thoughts in a clear way) and, miracle of miracles... other people would read and respond!!! I have loved hearing everyone's points of view and comments, and I love reading other peoples' blogs too. But... apparently all of this spiritual stuff makes it seem like I don't have much of a sense of humor. On the contrary... I find many things funny- I often even laugh at inappropriate stuff just because it's too funny not to! So I thought I'd dig up a few things to make everyone laugh and show that I: a) have a sense of humor and b) sometimes have a twisted sense of humor!!

What I want in a Man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. an imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List ( age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores light when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

Are you laughing yet?
Top Ten Ways to Tell if Martha Stewart is Stalking Your Dog:
10. There's potpourri hanging from your pooch's collar.
9. The dog's nails have been trimmed with pinking shears.
8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.
6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.
5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of the doghouse.
2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing an apricot colored virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.
1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.

A Great Way To Clean The Kitty
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.
The Dog

I wish I had the time to find more material for this post, but I'm off and running again! Hope this put a smile on your face!


ANTSYLLI said...

Who didn't know you had a sense of humor?! I LOVE your sense of humor. Even some of the naughty things. Great post...I was laughing hysterically. Loved the cat wash instructions--I am sure they were written by my dog! Thanks for making me smile today.
Oh, and I love that you do serious stuff. I don't get enough time to think about things. It really helps me. Keep it up!

cassie said...

Those were quite the finds. Although having cleaned a few elderly peoples houses, and bathrooms, I must say #2 at age 72 would be my priority,it's get's pretty nasty if they only met requirement numero uno.

Louann and Bari said...

I'm with Sylli- who Doesn't know you have a great sense of humor? Keep it up! And I love the Cat Wash the best!I can see my birds trying this!

Steve and Jamie said...

Now I know why your cats always look so clean. You were following the dog instructions. I like it. You get the cat clean, the toilet gets cleaner--I think it is a win-win idea.

AJ said...

Isn't it true about men? That was totally hilarious! I so look forward to getting to know you better.

Mama D said...

What I want in a man... All of these cracked me up, but the man one is the best! I have a plaque that hangs near our front door. It says, "Martha Stewart doesn't live here."

Thanks for sharing your sense of humor!

Papa D said...

I bear my testimony that Martha Stewart doesn't live here - thank the good Lord above.

We also have a picture in the bathroom that says, "When life gets too hectic, I take a bubble bath. I've been in here since Monday."